The Downward Spiral

[HereForTheDuration]

Referencing poker, a guy once told me, "...you'll remember every bad beat you ever have...". For me, these words couldn't describe life any better.

High school is when I became aware that something was off. I was struggling. I wasn't bullied nor made fun of. My pain was self-inflicted. Fear of rejection led to paranoia, which in turn taught me how to hide. I never felt more alone.

At 15 I started to bus tables at a local restaurant. When I was about 17 I began to work in the kitchen. One of the chefs, Patrick, was the older brother I always wanted. He knew I was in turmoil. He tried to guide me, but I never could figure it out. My younger self deserved better from me. I never will forgive myself.

There were no cell phones back then so personal calls at work were normal. Patrick would answer the phone on occasion and most times he would bellow out, "Denis, your woman is on the phone!" I recoiled every time. I cringe now. It would have meant everything to hear Patrick call my name. I was desperate for that call. That call would mean I belong. I was so ashamed, still am.

I never got that call, but I know Patrick would have been so proud if I did.