I keep looking for my old self only to realize I will never be the same. I once mastered social settings; entering the room with grace and poise, capturing the attention of everyone. People were drawn to me. Men and women admired me and were happy to get to know me. Now, I’m all nervous and casing the room trying to identify who is judging. I find that I don’t fit in. They ask about books. I haven’t read anything in years - given the online selection of content at my fingertips. I feel less than because I haven’t read anything lately. Next topic, politics. I can’t have that conversation because I stopped keeping up with the news to focus on self awareness. Okay, let’s talk about children. TRIGGER! I get anxious, embarrassed, and sad. I lost one child and may never be able to have children again. I can’t say that! I have to smile and nod. My problems are real, only to me. From there, I’m in a different demension. Constantly comparing myself to others. Why do they have so many good things to talk about and I have none? Maybe being my old self wouldn’t work in these situations. I have to be better than my old self. So I make a plan to read books. I also read up on parenting trends. Then I at least gather enough information to know who is in office and their background only to find out I’m not invited to the next social setting because I cried at the last one. That’s when I feel like these people are superficial and think they’re better than me. So now my mind focuses on catching up and surpassing them at things I don’t even like to talk about. 🤦🏽♀️ I make myself inaccessible. It brings misery. I need friends who understand.