What's the point?

[Milkshake_15]

I don't see the point in living anymore. I'm not actively suicidal but life seems stupid. I feel like I've been living in denial for the past decade, hoping that things will get better, but they never do. I don't see how it will ever get better. My life is too broken. I wanted to believe I was put here for a reason, but my life doesn't seem to have a purpose. I keep trying and trying and TRYING to move forward, to put the broken pieces back together, but the harder I try, the harder it gets and I am exhausted.

I didn't think this is how my life would be. I believed things would work out for me. I thought if I put in enough effort and kept trying things would magically turn around and there would be some fairy tale conclusion to all the pain, but that only seems to happen for certain people and I am not among their hallowed ranks.

I feel like God forgot about me.

And nothing ever really gets better does it? Life is forever split into "before" and "after" and the good parts are in the "before" if you didn't get what you wanted then, you'll never get it. You're not good enough. You're not special. Miracles don't happen for you. You get to watch as other people get what you want time and time again.

And if that's all life is, what's the point? Why am I even bothering anymore? I don't think I can survive sixty more years of constantly trying only to get kicked in the face.

And it's not like if I died tomorrow it'd make much of a difference. I know I know "keep living" and all that hurrah, but really? Why? I'm no one. I'm not important. I'm nothing. I'm a pile of stupid mistakes taking up space in my parents' basement. I'm a disappointment to them, to everyone because I decided to chase a dead end career (don't ask about it) without fully understanding the consequences of doing it.

I thought by this time in my life I'd have a career. I'd be married. I'd have my own house. I'd be happy.

But no, I don't have a career despite YEARS of trying to get it started. I'm not married, turns out being an aro ace is essentially the end of all marriage prospects. I've given up hope of ever having my own house and happiness seems like a far fetched dream for someone else.

I've given up. I accept that nothing good will ever happen for me. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to hope only to be disappointed. I just want it to stop hurting, but it never does. I feel like I've been stranded in an inhospitable wilderness and every morning I wake up hoping today will be the day that I finally find my way out or someone finds me.

And every night I fall asleep in agony that I have to live through it again.

But unlike an actual survival situation, I can't die of exposure. There is no release or relief.

And I don't see the point of trying to survive anymore. Is anything really worth enduring all this pain?

[just_keep_swimming]

The fact that you are still trying I think is what matters. I have learned the mistake I have made don’t define me , I’m trying my best to grow each day , and trying my best to be the person I want to become . You matter and you are important even if you may not see it ❤️.

[b1b1b1]

It sounds like you are relatively young- at least under 40. That leaves lots of time to pursue a different type of work, marriage eventually, etc. The thing is, you have to start. This means giving up your dead end "career" and trying for something more practical, even though it may mean starting at the bottom. I understand this is very difficult, but going through a lot of difficulty is worth it if it has a good chance of bringing you happiness, or at least peace in the future. It may take some time and may be a difficult road, but I think it is worth it for you to try. In the meantime try antidepressants. They may very well help you get started. x