Where do I belong?

[ScooterJoe]

My husband tells me that I think too much and maybe I do tend to over analyze things. But this time I really want to hear from people beyond my small circle of acquaintances. I guess I have always been what people would call a Miss Goody 2 Shoes. I have been aware of God, a person of faith who has faithfully attended church since I was a child. Denomination doesn't mean much to me as long as the church is Bible based and believes Jesus is the son of God, etc. I grew up Methodist, attended Baptist services for a while and for the past 40 plus years have been attending a 'Holiness' Church of God in Christ church. Their belief also includes living a 'holy, spirit filled' life. (Let me also interject here that I have always dealt with a guilt complex that told me if I could be good everything would be all right. ) My husband of 40+ years is not 'saved' whereas I am. If I were not married there probably would not be this feeling of being torn between what the church says is a no-no and what I feel should not be a deal-breaker in my spiritual life. For example, of course our church does not believe in gambling in any form--no lottery tickets, casinos, etc. My husband enjoys going to casinos. I go with him, play a few pennies then just wait until he's ready to leave. Definitely if I admitted to the church that I did this it would rain fire from h-ll down on me! My church says to shun even the appearance of evil--don't even park near a liquor store to go to someplace else to shop! I enjoy attending church there but I am beginning to feel like a hypocrite living a double life. Would sure like to hear thoughts from others and especially from those with a similar experience. And that is where my depression along with the guilt kicks in!

[Nothing_but_books]

Is there someone in leadership in your church to guide you?

A few thoughts:

Were you aware your husband didn't share your beliefs when you married? (I am not a church goer, but doesn't seem to me they'd require you to demand your husband change.)

The conflict is yours. Is your husband insisting you participate in gambling, or is it your choice alone?

It seems to me you need someone of your faith to help you with these questions.

[ScooterJoe in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately our Pastor has not provided much guidance and is not someone I could discuss this with. My husband and I have been married 40+ years and our religious lives have developed differently. My husband is very acceptable of my involvement in the church. While he would say he didn't mind if I stayed home it's one of a few things we relax and do together.

[Blueruth]

Is that the right church for you? I don't attend but I would think it should be to lift you up not tear you down. Plus I'm not married either but I think it involves compromising . Somebody has to give in. That means the two of you have you have to decide what is more important.

I appreciate your attention to grammar btw.

[Not_Free]

You're not going to hell for a few pennies. Saint Thomas Aquinas used to say, "Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath, and a glass of wine." Sounds like a good night to me! Sleep well, my friend!

[ScooterJoe in reply to Not_Free]

Thank you. You have a way of seeing to the heart of the problem. After all, isn't the heart where it all begins.

[designguy]

I'll start by saying that I grew up in a fundamental evangelical christian household with people who believed the bible literally. When I got older and started realizing how narrow and fear based their beliefs were and how dehumanizing the concept of original sin was I quit going to church. I was also aware of the amount of hypocrisy and double standards of the church goers and how it breeds black and white thinking, fear of being human and judging and condemning those who don't believe like they do. It actively discourages and condemns thinking for yourself and questioning those who supposedly are in power. My father along with a bunch of the other "good christians" were blatant racist misogynist white supremacists as an example. The christian churches in America have been complicit in misogyny, racism, book banning and persecution historically and even today with the rise of christian nationalism, they think everyone should believe like them and condemn those who don't/

My personal belief is that Jesus was a enlightened teacher along with Buddha, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and others and that they all were teaching us the same thing which is unconditional love for each other and ourselves. I think this has been lost and corrupted by organized religion and books like the bible and what christians preach is "conditional love" which makes no sense to me and is not what Jesus was actually teaching. I find it interesting that Jesus never actually wrote anything that is included in the bible. I think the bible is a book of history and allegory and was never intended to or should have been taken literally.

It sounds like to me that you are waking up to the dehumanizing and absurd intolerances of your religious upbringing and the church and the real world and maybe questioning your beliefs and what is right for you which is a good thing. I hope you have the courage to reject what no longer fits or works for you and determine what is right for you.

[ScooterJoe in reply to designguy]

I appreciate your comments. It's easy to see that you have first-hand knowledge. The people who attend the church are wonderful people that have a kind of innocence about them. But the leadership who started out so humble has changed in my personal opinion and yes almost bullies us at times. I know I am a hypocrite according to the church's standards but at least I do openly admit that I am. So glad that I can openly say that here, And can admit that it hurt me that our leader didn't reach out to me to talk about my issues. I will probably stay with the church until they kick me out! I was a different duck when I first started attending and I guess I still am. Thank you for helping my understanding.

[designguy in reply to ScooterJoe]

You're welcome and I wish you the best on your journey. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or want to discuss more in the future.

[designguy in reply to ScooterJoe]

I wanted to add that if I felt the need to go to church again I would consider a Universalist or Unitarian church, they are much more open, inclusive and accepting of people and life in general and don't suffer from rigid dogmatic beliefs and judgement.

You are right about church leaders and the reality is they are only human but some of them use their position and power to support their own ego and narcissism and condemn those who don't support them and their views.

[ScooterJoe in reply to designguy]

Amen! 🙂