I have anxiety since I can remember, I had developed systems since I was a child to deal with my anxieties, and, with medication, had led a moderately normal life. I had to be weaned off my medication, but now I have severe anxiety of everything.
I love writing; writing has always been my passion, I have been creating stories since I was three. There videos of me as a toddler just looking at old landmark or some people walking and creating my own stories surrounding them, but since my anxiety has worsened, I haven't been able to write and I really miss it. I need it, but my creativity is impaired by the fear and worry I have of basically everything and anything; my chain of thoughts is cut off by my constant need to wash my hands and check the doors and my worry of a possible sound occurring and distracting me before it even occurs (and most of the time, it doesn't and I had worried over nothing).
If anyone here is like me, are there ways to cope with the anxiety and be able to write?
Thank you :).
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alat
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You say your "creativity is impaired by the fear and worry". And then you give a couple of examples. I noticed you seem to be impaired by compulsory behaviors and events external to your writing. I find that interesting because when I try to write, I worry about my writing: how it would be received, the possible criticisms, the factual errors I could make, and so on. At a such point, I can no longer complete writing. I just give up and start writing on a new topic, and things repeat.
No, when I was on medication and I used to write, I used to think about how people would receive my work and how I want to maintain a good structure, characters that are dynamic and attractive to the reader, but it wasn't on an anxiety level, because I was receiving treatment.
Now, that my anxiety is as aggressive as ever, I don't reach a point in writing where it is considerable enough for me to worry about how others would receive it, because I already know it is bad. Does that make sense?
I know that feeling. I'm not in fictional but technical writing. When working on something I usually start with some ideas but as I progress I see more and more difficulties, and more defaults and I do a lot of changes, erases, and rewrites. Up to the point, I make no more advances and give up.
Sometimes I come back and try to complete an old article. But I'm disappointed in seeing how bad and childish it is. Just good enough for the trash.
I was suggested to avoid editing my writings and publish them as-is. Then trying to do better the next time. But I'm not strong enough to feel detached and I feel like I would die from shame if I published something far from being perfect.
I understand that, why would you publish something if you know it is bad and that you could do better? I keep struggling with these thoughts: "What if I write and I am on a streak then something happened to distract me? I'd be angry and I won't be able to write." And the constant thought just makes me unable to write, although nothing happened to disrupt my writing, the thought that something might happen makes just completely unable to do it.
I have the idea. I have them all written down, I know the story I want to write and where I want my characters to go, but I just can't put myself to sit down and write it as a whole story. With my inability to write, I feel like my life is empty; I have a job, I have a good social life, and my financial status is okay given my age, but life seems so useless without writing. I feel like an impostor; living a life I do not desire to lead. Then on top of this, we have the beast in all His glory: Anxiety, chipping away at my sanity by the moment.
Perhaps the thing with you is you're being a harsh judge on yourself? With you being anxious about reactions to your work, maybe it would work better if you show it to someone you trust and see what they think?
> What if I write and I am on a streak then something happened to distract me?
This is the fear of the worst-case scenario. Somewhat related there is the fear to have a panic attack, or being unable to deal with unanticipated events. Which in turn makes you envision even worst scenarios.
At least, it is how it works for me. At a such point, you can't do anything because you are afraid it could go wrong. Cognitive behavioral therapy and medications help to keep that under control
> With my inability to write, I feel like my life is empty
I know that feeling too. The urge to create. But when you are paralyzed by anxiety or when perfectionism kicks in you can make any progress. And at the end of the day, you blame yourself for haven't achieved anything. Feelings that fuel depression.
Years of therapy and reading about the subject help me to understand the underlying mechanisms. But unfortunately, it doesn't help that much in controlling them.
> [...] maybe it would work better if you show it to someone you trust and see what they think?
This is a consequence of lifelong mental disorders that remained undiagnosed and untreated: you didn't build a network of social relationships, and even less trusted friends. I still don't understand how I manage to get married. Except for my wife and son, I am alone. Talk to no one. And I think it was like that for as long as I remember.
The need to create I mentioned earlier is undoubtedly related to the need to assert our existence to the face of the world.
The unfair trait anxiety possesses (and sometimes, I find it funny) is how it spawns, like Hydra; you tackle one problem, then two emerge, and you just waste a meaningless life trying to solve nonexistent problems.
Somethimes anxiety fuels my Imagination a lot. Sometimes my Imagination fuels my anxiety a lot... As you can see i also try to write humour... And as you can see im not good at it 😂. Really it can be a source of inspiration and talent but it also burns your brain till you have no energy to write. And what about you, what do you write?
"Sometimes my imagination fuels my anxiety", I have never thought about it like that. Do you think that because we have wide imaginations, we are more prone to develop anxiety? We can imagine every possible scenario and every possible outcome of every situation? A thousand ideas passing quickly through our brains?
I write fiction, I love it. I love stories in all their forms: narratives, novels, plays, radio shows, TV shows, movies, paintings.
I had high-functioning anxiety for years from childhood and wound up owning and running my own successful business so it is possible to write and function with it. My suggestion to you is to try to figure out why and how you developed the anxiety and find a good therapist that specializes in treating it to work with, you'll be glad you did and the quality of your life will improve and you'll enjoy writing more. My anxiety developed as a result of growing up in a emotionally repressive and abusive household and then being bullied in middle school. At the time there wasn't much awareness about anxiety/treatment, etc... I also found medication helpful. I've also found the DARE Anxiety book, youtube videos and phone app for panic/anxiety.
I have anxiety since I can remember, my earliest memory of a panic attack was when I had to use the bathroom at kindergarten when I was 4, but I couldn't for the life of me use that bathroom that all the students use. I faked being ill and had my mom pick me up and I used the bathroom in our house. My parents are not abusive (nor are they germophobes) so I don't think they instilled that in me. I do know some family members of mine have anxiety (coincidentally, from both sides of my parents) so maybe it's genetic?
I was on medication, but I can't for health reasons, the side effects had adverse results on my health and well-being. I am trying cognitive behavior therapy, but I can't find myself believing in it. It's like lying to yourself.
From what I have read and experienced, the potential for anxiety can be inherited. There was a history of depression and anxiety on my dad's side of the family.
Ultimately it doesn't really matter how and where you developed it, what matters is learning what it really is and how to deal with it and heal from it and be able to enjoy the quality of you life. I found CBT therapy helpful but you can't out-think anxiety to resolve it, it just makes it worse. The way to heal is learning to get comfortable with the anxious feelings and know that the anxious thoughts are lies and not be afraid of them. Learning and practicing simple mindfulness can really help to let the anxious thoughts come and go also. The DARE Book is a great way to learn about how to really deal with it, they also have a lot of helpful youtube videos. Also the books and youtube videos of Dr. Claire Weekes are good. It takes commitment and persistence but you can overcome it.
> The way to heal is learning to get comfortable with the anxious feelings and know that the anxious thoughts are lies and not be afraid of them.
My therapist used to say it is like a danger detector far too sensitive and that triggers alarms constantly for no real reason.
But I never was able to ignore those false positive alarms. Nor to convince me they are not real: when I have an anxiety attack, I stop being rational and I'm overwhelmed by emotion and primitive throughs.
Sometimes you heard "it is just a matter of will". Or that "if you want, you can". I always give the same example: I can try to convince myself I can seize a burning plate in the oven without harm. I probably can approach my hand closer and closer. But at some point, self-preservation overflows my will and prevents me from touching the plate.
Anxiety is that strong. It is not just being uncomfortable. It makes you believe you are in grave danger with such intensity and physical symptoms that you can't just ignore it. Sometimes I even feel like I would prefer to die immediately from heart failure than be confronted with a supposed upcoming danger.
People manage to overcome their anxiety. I'm very impressed by that. As for myself, I still have a long road to go.
Your therapist is correct and what we have to realize is that anxiety's role was to protect us, it's a part of us but now we are adults and no longer need it's help. Ultimately we want to heal the scared part of ourselves and make friends with it. It can also be very helpful to determine where and how we developed our anxiety to know what part of us to focus our healing on. It's definitely not easy and is not a once and done but for me, knowing what was really going on really helped and I decided that I was going to get on with my life with or without the anxiety/panic. I don't think it's a matter of will but instead it's an informed commitment to yourself to heal. Another really helpful thing is practicing simple mindfulness meditation to learn to let the anxious thoughts come and go without attaching to them and to also sit and allow the anxious feelings. You've got to be committed and lean into the feelings and know that they are just uncomfortable and can't hurt you and they will pass and dare them to even get stronger and overwhelming. Hope you find what works for you.
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