Hi. I have always struggled with depression, on and off since age 13 (I am now 38). I was always "functional" though, and was able to hide it and took meds. Before the pandemic hit, I was considered very popular and outgoing and was rarely without plans and things to do, but I really struggled inside with feeling like I was being fake.
Once covid became a thing and we were forced to isolate, my true self came out. I am a hermit and have social anxiety. I don't like small talk, and I don't like being around people, especially people I don't know. I don't like having plans, and having a remote job only exasperated the feelings. I should note that I have a fiancé that I met in 2019 when I was still in the "social butterfly" phase of my life. He is my main companion and friend. I doubt he'd be attracted to me if he met me today. I still have lots of friends but rarely see them and mostly keep in touch through text and social media. Since 2020 I have declined many invites to go out, so over time the invites have slowly stopped coming in but people continue to keep in touch with me.
I also recently stopped taking my meds because I felt I was "better" and came to terms with accepting that I was just socially awkward and anxious and a sad person. I don't feel crazy about it anymore.
I recently lost my job due to layoffs and I have began the search for a new job, and it is really hitting hard for me. I am really finding it painful to be happy and outgoing in interviews. I got some feedback and it made me feel sad. A recruiter said that someone I had interviewed with said I "was not as confident or high energy" as I should be and I was at a loss for words. I know the saying, "fake it til you make it" and that was me my entire life but that is not who I am anymore. I am shy and awkward and low energy and I'm okay with that but the recruiter's comment has put me into a spiral. I feel depressed and I don't want to do anything or continue interviewing but I have to. I don't know how to snap out of it. My fiancé said I have to pretend but that's just not who I am. So I have to pretend again and feel untrue to myself and be tired from faking it all the time? It's exhausting living in my brain.
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GirlWithRabbitTattoo
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I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’m trying to land a job myself right now. Job interviews make me really nervous. There’s so much riding on how you interact with the person interviewing you.
Thank you. They really are so difficult. I got rejected from 3 potential jobs in the last 3 weeks. This is so demoralizing, but I wish us both luck <3 I hope you find something soon.
Hi and hug. The pandemic turned many of us into hermits. I lost my social skills too. I see you hurting. Maybe it's time to try your meds again. Feeling better is a mental health quagmire. You are probably feeling better because of your meds. We are made to feel bad for taking our meds, but would you tell someone with a heart condition to stop taking their meds.
Thank you so much and hugs back to you. You're so right about the medication - it's there for a reason. Hopefully I'll get a job soon so I can have health insurance and get back on my meds.
I can totally relate to you. Everything you have said I can relate to. There is nothing wrong with you. Covid has affected everybody in someway and I think it’s been worse for us who are private people and need time alone to regenerate and get our energy back. I think it might be helpful to have someone to talk to on a regular basis for you. The other thing is that interviewing is really difficult just because it takes practice and it takes skill. It’s like a full-time job in itself. I know there are a lot of resources out there to help you in developing skills to interview. Also someone told me because I’m also looking for another job someone told me that it’s really important to go on as many interview interviews as you can because it takes practice you need to practice. I think if you look at it that way it might make you feel better. And if you go on little challenges like maybe going out with one friend to a restaurant or going out if you go to a party maybe stay an hour and then leave set limits for yourself so that you can little by little get more experience with getting back into the world if you call it that. Youhave to take care of yourself that’s really important. And pat yourself on the back because you were able to keep a job during Covid which is a big deal. You can do this you really can do this you can get through this and I’m glad you have friends sounds like they’re understanding if they still keep in touch with you they must know you’re struggling with this and then you’re a partner Loves you for who you are. It’s what’s inside that counts. And what I’m saying to you I just realized I need to hear it for myself because I struggle with the same thing and there’s so many of us out there you are not alone and good luck to you God bless you
Oh I forgot to tell you the resources for job interviews you can find them online. You’d have to Google it I’m sure you would’ve known that anyway sorry
Thank you so much for all the tips and kind words. It was so helpful. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. I hope you have the support that you need. I feel lucky to have my partner but he also doesn't really understand what I go through, but you're so right that I need practice and I need to celebrate my little wins. Sometimes it's just so hard and it feels like nothing will help. This week I am taking your advice and forcing myself to see some friends. Thank you. I hope you are doing okay.
Sounds like what you are dealing with is social anxiety disorder which can be related to low-self-worth and low-self-esteem. For whatever reason you learned and believed things about yourself at a young age that aren't true and distort your perceptions and beliefs about yourself, others and how they perceive you. You would benefit from finding a therapist that specifically treats social anxiety disorder. If you can't find a therapist, there are online programs available and lots of info/resources on youtube. There is also a lot of info on youtube about healing your low-self-worth and self-esteem. I really like the writings of Dr. Bernadette Sewell and her Break Free program. There wasn't a SA specific therapist near me so I did the online program from the socialanxietyinstitute.org.
My SA developed from growing up in a emotionally repressed abusive household with lots of shaming and then was bullied in school. I grew up with high-functioning anxiety disorder then later realized I had social anxiety. I believed no one liked me and I had to hide my true self. I was dumb-founded to realize that people actually liked me and really even enjoyed my company and it started me on my recovery/healing journey.
I'm so sorry to hear that you grew up in an abusive household and was bullied. I too was bullied severely in my youth. That's how my depression manifested. I have never felt so low in my life, until I met my abusive (ex) boyfriend 9 years later. You're right on the ball about me - I absolutely struggle with low self worth. I fight feelings of self hatred on a weekly basis and feeling like nothing matters and I'd be better off not alive sometimes.
Thank you so much for all the advice. I'll look into socialanxietyinstitute.org. Going now in fact. Thank you!!!
You are so welcome, so sorry that you were bullied too but please know you can heal and get on with your life. One of the things that is really important is to understand and accept that it is not your fault you were bullied and it really never was about you and there is nothing wrong with you. It was the bullies that had the shame and low-self-worth and took it out on you, you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I too suffered with some depression and had tremendous inner directed anger and rage which was also adding to my anxiety. i started releasing it in therapy but I also started doing it at home by pounding the crap out of pillows with a plastic ball bat. I would visualize and feel who or what i was angry at (the people who bullied me) as I was pounding away and visualizing them on the pillow and emotionally venting the anger and rage.. I also went outside with a sledge hammer and beat the crap out of big rocks and did the same thing. I've read that depression can be just repressed anger/rage and that was true for me. If I couldn't pound on something I would write out the anger on paper and just let it flow without editing or worrying what it looked like and just vent and release it. Over time I started feeling better and less triggered.
Realizing I had social anxiety disorder and learning what it is and how to deal with it helped me a lot but I still was having issues. I then realized I was actually suffering from c-ptsd (complex ptsd/trauma) from the bullying and childhood abuse. It's something you might want to consider too. There is a lot of info on youtube about it. It's common with people who were bullied and the social anxiety can actually develop as a coping mechanism from the constant trauma of bullying. We also typically develop a lot of shame and are very self critical and even perfectionists as additional coping mechanisms. I found a therapist who specifically treats trauma/c-ptsd and uses emdr therapy which has proven to be very successful at treating c-ptsd/trauma and my healing.
Please feel free to ask me any questions you have and i'm happy to support you any way I can.
You may want to talk to the doctor who prescribed your medications, and be totally honest about what's been going on. S/he might suggest changing medications, or tweaking the ones you were taking.
Consider this: During those times you "faked" being outgoing, I bet there were a number of shy people you brought out of their shell. It might help to focus on the people you're dealing with rather than on your scared feelings. The truth is a lot of people are scared in this world!
And perhaps it was a blessing you missed out on that job - they may have wanted someone exuberant, and it sounds like you don't fit that bill! Maybe you could look around for work that doesn't require Dolly Parton behind the desk or counter. There are jobs that are "quieter" that you might find more appealing.
Thank you Emmi. Once I am back on track with a job, I'll get my therapist back and chat regarding the meds. I shouldn't feel bad about taking them. And you're right, I do think everything happens for a reason. I probably wouldn't have been happy there anyway. Dolly Parton -made me smile. Thank you
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