Need a push

[Justice4me]

I've come very far in recovery since starting out. I have a background of being gaslighted since birth and I've somehow made it to a point where I have a stable sense of identity. But it's very precarious because the suicidal thoughts haven't completely gone away. I feel like I need more sustained visibility and support for this new reality opening up before me because the isolation is biting into my progress deeply. I feel invisible and weak. I need access to people who can validate my progress in my lowest moments. People who can tell me I'm okay when I don't feel confident. People I can express my honest feelings to. It's brutally hard to continue my struggle against my toxic family. Any support would be greatly appreciated at a critical time in my recovery. I don't want to fall back into the darkness after coming so far. I don't have the strength to endure another relapse.

[Roxylox]

well done on coming do far. You show great courage.

[RupertBrown]

I read your earlier post to get a sense of where all this was coming from, and I'm sorry for your crummy childhood. Those kind of scars run deep, I know. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction though. Just remember some days are worse than others and its okay to feel that way. We just have to keep marching forward, and hold on to the small victories. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, even if you don't feel that way right now.

[Justice4me in reply to RupertBrown]

Thanks a lot Rupert. That was very encouraging to read.

[Willow2022]

Working towards your mental health goal will not be linear. It will go up and down. It may even go sideways. But keep at it. Do you have any friends you trust to talk to? We are always here for you also. Keep telling yourself “I can handle this”.

[Justice4me in reply to Willow2022]

I have friends but none that I can consistently turn to. It seems they're busy or unavailable for one reason or another at exactly the wrong time when my emotions are surging through the surface... it feels like I've climbed a mountain with the greatest effort only to find I'm absolutely alone at the top - rather than the party I was expecting! And this isolation is haunting. I have a lot of motivation to proceed, Willow, but I feel like I'm going mad because the herculean effort I've put into recovery isn't recognised at all.

[Justice4me in reply to Willow2022]

Willow, I've thought a little more about your comment and realised something about it hasn't been sitting right with me. I've just realized what. Part of the tragedy of my childhood was that whenever my toxic family couldn't really help me in a situation, rather than admitting it, they resorted to deceptions and denials to play the role of the "perfect parents" - they would never be inadequate in any way. As a result, I've a very hard time trusting others even when they have good intentions today - it's hard to make lasting friendships. I know you had good intentions too, but when you said "we're here for you", it led me to think I was the wrong one once again to find virtually no personal support here (it's hard enough for me to reach out with my shame). That hurt and confused me bad for a time until I realised I wasn't responsible and had begun chasing a fantasy of parental validation rather than genuine support. I look up to you and deeply appreciate the sincerity behind your comment - I hope this doesn't discourage your frankly wonderful and responsive support, but please be mindful of what you say.

[Willow2022 in reply to Justice4me]

Thank you for pointing that out and being strong enough to post about it. That was not at all what I intended and I apologize for hurting your feelings or making you feel in any way that your struggles today are in any way invalid. I only meant that there are many people on this forum you can turn to for support, myself included. If you have reservations, I get it. I think most of us here have a hard time trusting anyone.

Once again, I apologize.

[Justice4me in reply to Willow2022]

It took a lot of courage to send that admittedly - but I realised sincerely standing up for myself would be a good thing for everyone. And it was. I feel much lighter that I did and even gladder you responded so thoughtfully. The last two days had essentially wiped me out with the amount of cynicism I had to absorb with friends and your words may just prove to be the reprieve I needed to overcome this helpless, hollow desperation. I understand you're battling your own demons with your depression, so thanks for looking out for me. Strange as it may sound, it has given me a presence to know that my rights and needs are understood and accepted by someone - which is exactly what I mean by needing to be "seen".

[Willow2022 in reply to Justice4me]

((((((((((((hugs))))))))

[Raggedy-Ann]

Depression is a lonely road. Other people don't understand what you are up against or celebrate your progress. You recognize your accomplishments, savor them, build on them, let all the good chemistry flow. - Good for you!

[Willow2022 in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

Yes! I have a few people for support but they don’t really get me or depression. It is so difficult to describe to someone who doesn’t suffer from it. When I am depressed, I push people away so naturally they aren’t there when I need them. I have found that I do best when I motivate myself to keep going. When I can’t do that, I pop on here for some encouraging words.

[catsrock]

I so get this as my family is big on gaslighting. Hang in there and I hope you can find people you can talk to and that's great that you are coming here to share. I know you are strong enough to weather this and not relapse. Keep coming here, we care.

[compasnet]

Just4me, think it's GREAT that you're moving forward in your recovery, that you're reaching out for support and assistance, and to be honest, doing so as eloquently as you are despite the challenges and difficulties you've had to endure and continue to endure as well as you are, I think you're really setting a good example for the rest of us who, (at least in my case), have very similar if not the same backgrounds Thank YOU so so much🙏. Count on my support ANYTIME! 🙏

[Justice4me in reply to compasnet]

Thank you so much compasnet! What a beautiful response! It feels so good to be acknowledged so comprehensively like this. I was waiting for exactly something like your response, frankly, because it makes me feel noticed for my struggle. YES, I am grateful beyond belief. You have definitely saved and made my day. Thank you!

[compasnet in reply to Justice4me]

Of course. 🙏