lately i found out what was the problem with me but i dont know how to solve it..

[FantasyLife]

i used feel like getting out of bed is useless coz wat shuld i do with my life the sun just goes on and this feeling of depression just fills my head so wat will i even do? atleast sleep is better even though the dreams are kinda crazy, my life seems to enjoy just watching me feeling low about myself and losing hope and confidence all the good things about me one by one daily...

then i reduced it a lil by writing my thoughts daily right after i wake up and then force myself in reading self help books, they just seemed to be high class not for me but it kinda got me feeling maybe i can also overcome this..

but for me i became like that bcoz i lost my self-esteem and confidence due to my parent's verbal abuse, i felt worthless and weak i even used to get panic attacks, just holding a pencil or the thought of making an art just shakes my hand and heart beats faster and the air seems to get blocked near my lungs sometimes i forget that i need to breathe. i compared myself to my past and then one day i just started avoiding everything that hurts me then the panic attacks are reduced and gone, but i still feel the same inside, this anxiety never seemed to be out of my mind, and all things i liked seem lifeless now.

but with time i start to like them again, but i still can't do them if i have to do then there should be no one in my house and my room door should be locked then i feel ok but still fear all time i am doing it. i dont know when i will have the feel of getting lost in flow as I used to in the past when making art.

but as for anxiety, i am still coping in a bad way but there was no other way to feel safe that time in fact i feel grateful for that coz i got rid of panic attacks faster, I just binge-watch movies or comics till i get rid the feeling.

but these days i am trying to control this but to replace it with something positive i am still looking... coz those feelings were the past and i don't need this binging anymore coz rather than anxiety this binge-watching is eating my time and my life away. i need to stop this. but even if i control myself with this i dont do real work like study or try for a job interview. I just go to sleep or eat. procrastination seems unavoidable. becoz of this feeling called fear and stuck in past to see the present or bring the change.

i need to restore my confidence and self-esteem. and start to change and embrace the unknown instead of fearing it

i tried counseling it kinda didn't help much for me tho but to try again i am not ready to be vulnerable with no help or result at the end.

but recently i found that my anxiety is coz i am afraid of getting hurt so i hide myself and my way of living too, to protect myself.

and i am afraid of being myself and living too.

[HunnyBunny12]

Hi. I understand how you are feeling. I don’t have the perfect words to make it better. I hope you find comfort knowing you will be in my thoughts.When feeling overwhelmed at time I watch funny and heart warming videos. It may not be the solution but it does take your mind off of what’s clouding your mind for a few moments. Wishing you comfort.

[FantasyLife in reply to HunnyBunny12]

thank you but my main problem is that i seek to comfort all time by watching videos, it's my hideout and i need to get out of that, but i just try 2 camp there all time.

i need something that makes me happy and reduces anxiety as a positive thing,,,, but doesn't include tech gadgets or wifi so I can keep myself from watching movies or series.

[cbgrace1980]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Have you talked with a close friend about how you are feeling? Life isn't meant to be lived alone. I'm sorry that your parents verbally abused you. My parents did that to me as well. Once I didn't have to live with them anymore, my life became so much better. Hugs to you.

[FantasyLife in reply to cbgrace1980]

i talked to my friend but wat can she do she just lent me her ear and just asks how i am feeling whenever we talk, well for starters she doesnt know what to say and we dont talk much coz sometimes it seems like other than venting to each other there is nothing else to talk and there is this awkward silence that creeps in and we say goodbye..these days i am thinking of being with an open mind and be a bigger person to not get affected by their words to strengthen myself and talk to them a lil instead of running away but i dont know maybe it is just hormones and once the juice is off i am back to stuckkin myself in past and insecurities so, i dont know till when this optimism sticks to me. but now i didnt start any but still kind of at peace in heart.