I dont know what to do: I need honest... - Anxiety and Depre...

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I dont know what to do

Ilovepugs123 profile image
23 Replies

I need honest advices, I miss my ex best friend, him and I haven't talked since last year, I ended the friendship because he was a toxic friend and I wasn't mentally okay at the time. I have done alot better without him in my life but there is times where I miss him and I want to react out to see how he is and stuff but then again I hesitate about it because I know he's doing good without me and I'm better off fixing me then him. I just have a lot of hesitation about it and I just overthink everything and one day I miss him the next im just like it's whatever but I dont known what to do. Should I reach out to him or should I wait for him to message me or should I just not reach out at all? I need advice.

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Ilovepugs123 profile image
Ilovepugs123
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23 Replies
Opportunity profile image
Opportunity

I get the sense that you want to reach out to him but are afraid of starting down the same toxic road. I’ve been there. Five times in fact with the same person. Each time, I get an opportunity for self-awareness. Want to try something different? If you reach out, go for it wholeheartedly. Let go of who you thought he was. And who you were. Expect much, much less from him.

In fact, imagine he is not as smart as you.

Sometimes, those of us who overthink things have a tendency to run mental circles around people who simply aren’t wired like us. We can find people who are not as socially adept to be toxic, when in fact they are simply unaware and - this is key - unable to become aware.

So I’m not saying you are necessarily smarter- - - but if your mind is dedicated to the interactions between people and he’s thinking about soccer, you will feel smarter when it comes to interpersonal relationship stuff. I started taking this approach and it dramatically changed how I approach certain people and how I leave the interaction. Like, “Oh… he isn’t doing this to be toxic; he legit has no clue how his actions are affecting me. He’s ‘slow.’” Again, I’m not trying to be offensive but I mean, slow in the how-he-makes-me-feel arena.

Then, observe. Observe how you feel when he tells you stuff or does stuff- or ignores you or doesn’t say or do anything. Just mentally say to yourself, “Hmm, I don’t like when he does that.” Or better yet, “Hmm, I feel uneasy or uncomfortable.”

Try to tune in to how you feel with this person invited into your mind space.

And, even if you feel continuously uncomfortable, unwanted, invisible, used, uneasy… leave with the knowledge that you’ve gained experience and wisdom and you’ve lost nothing except a bit of misplaced hope. 🦋

Ilovepugs123 profile image
Ilovepugs123 in reply to Opportunity

Thank you so much for the advice. I just don't want to make the same mistakes I have by always forgiving him for the things he's done to me.

lisa40509 profile image
lisa40509 in reply to Ilovepugs123

Just remember codependency is not healthy. You know the answer.

in reply to Opportunity

But what if after doing all of these you still get hurt and nothing changes and even after you feeling hurt you still want them, obviously not like before but you still miss talking to them ?!? Uhhh I don't know when it will stop ! I was kinda in the same situation as you guys and he was dumb he did so many immature things , but I still miss talking to him and sometimes I just go back to see if I can still talk to him 😔 I wanna stop doing that! But I don't know how ?? It feel like a vicious circle to me every time I go back.

Ilovepugs123 profile image
Ilovepugs123 in reply to

Same here, I dont want to get hurt and I know he's not gonna change at all. We are in the same boat, and I miss him like crazy but at the end of the day my mental health is more important.

in reply to Ilovepugs123

Exactly... Sometimes when I think about him I remind myself what he did and how I felt about it and then just leave my phone away and do something else and think it's just a phase, it'll we go away , I hope I does!

Ilovepugs123 profile image
Ilovepugs123 in reply to

I hope it does go away because I hate feeling this way for someone who isn't a good friend to me.

in reply to Ilovepugs123

Me too 🤞🥺

Opportunity profile image
Opportunity in reply to

I would never advocate for walking into a terrible situation where nothing changes.

Sometimes people come into our life and we try to plug them into a role (boyfriend, friend) when they truly belong in another role (acquaintance, guy-who-will-go-to-museums-with-me, the once a month date, etc.). They may belong in your life but not in the role you’ve assigned them. That can make them feel bad, because they feel the pressure to be in their assigned role, so they act out or bail.

I recently learned that and realized that most of my adult-formed friendships were failing because of this thing I did. If I just let reality take it’s course, I wouldn’t have been in so much pain. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t reach out to my friends who might only want to see me once a month. It just means I have to let go of my dream and expectation of exactly how I want those friendships, to make room for other people or interests or hobbies.

You don’t need to take my advice, and don’t if it doesn’t speak to you. I know that feeling of not being able to let go, and i hate feeling stuck. I hate it so much that it sent me on a four year journey of self-discovery. Still learning, but above is some of what I’ve learned.

in reply to Opportunity

Thanks for your reply and I get what you're saying.. I hope I can do that too. Reading what you said somehow made me realise that I kinda did the same thing as you ( assigning a role ). I think I can let go of that and see how things go. I think you just showed me a different perspective of how I'm seeing people around me !!😄

Lefty_Epee profile image
Lefty_Epee

From my experience I would recommend not reaching out. If they reach out to you, I don't think you should respond either. An ex reached out to me and I took the bait; it fucked me up big time. I understand ex friend and ex relationship are different, but I'm going to go on my gut feeling and say that you're better off without them.

Ilovepugs123 profile image
Ilovepugs123 in reply to Lefty_Epee

Thank you I needed that. I dont want to be in another toxic friendship again.

Thetoxdoc profile image
Thetoxdoc

It sound like you already know what to do. Toxic relationships never change. And while it is difficult to make new friends you need to move forward, not back. Blessings...

Ilovepugs123 profile image
Ilovepugs123 in reply to Thetoxdoc

Thank you for the advice I needed thaf.

in reply to Ilovepugs123

We all are here to support you and I'm sure you will definitely find some good friends here. Stay strong 🤗

Downandout123 profile image
Downandout123

There is a famous quote by Maya Angelou-"When someone shows you who they are, believe them, and believe them the first time". Think about that. People RARELY change. You will find yourself in the same situation. STAY AWAY. Toxic is toxic. As aware as I thought I was, I recently fell.for this again by an old boyfriend. Simply because I am very lonely. He showed me that he had not changed within a week of just talking to him and not even meeting. I am PISSED OFF at myself.for letting this happen to me once again. But he is DEFINITELY in the past now and I have not answered any of his recent messages from yesterday, and don't plan to ever again. Please don't go for it. People.rarely change who they are. I don't want to see you hurt again. Hugs

autumnmarie5 profile image
autumnmarie5

From my experience in the past with losing multiple friendships, I wouldn't reach back out. It seems like he is toxic and if you are honest enough to say that your life is better without him then I would keep it that way. You don't want to go through more hurt than needed again. Do you have any other friends or are you able to make other friends that can help fill a void of that friendship? I always have to remember for myself that sometimes people come into your life for "seasons" as in not forever. I have had quite a few friendships in my life so far and they were great for the time being but maybe not for the times in my life. Some of them were because of the person and the lack of maturity on their part. I can understand what you are going through because I just lost a friend of 13 years. She was toxic to me as well and everything in our friendship was solely about her and I had a final straw and blocked her for my own sanity. It is a hard thing to go through but sometimes no matter how much you miss them it's easier and better for your mental health for them not to have the access like they did before. You can easily forgive someone but that doesn't mean they need a 'front row ticket' to your life. Hopefully this somewhat helped and no matter which choice you make, I wish you luck. :)

lovetodance2018 profile image
lovetodance2018

Thank you for sharing. It is hard when we have to stop a relationship due to it being toxic and our mental status. The fact that you decided to end it; my question is how do you think it would be different if you reached out to him? As humans we tend to like to go back to things that we know even if it is not necessarily good for us. Do you have new friends that you can share with and is a healthier relationship? Any decisions I make I pray over. If I have peace in my heart about the decision then I believe it is God's direction, however, if I have turmoil or confusion about a decision then I am better off not doing it. I will pray for you to make the right decision. Hugs and God Bless

queenetta profile image
queenetta

Losing a best friend is always hard, but you probably made the right choice. If he reaches out to you, you can always be polite but don’t let him stop you from making better relationships.

Midori profile image
Midori

I really don't think it is a good idea to reestablish communications with him. For his sake as well as yours, as it might be bad for his current relationship.

It is understandable wanting to check in with an old friend, but if he was toxic as you say, it is unlikely to be a good experience for you.

Cheers, Midori

mvillarreal profile image
mvillarreal

Ilovepugs123 I don't know that there is a simple black-and-white answer to this. Here's the first thing I would ask: in what ways was the relationship toxic? Did you ever fear for your safety or well-being? It's ultimately your choice whether you want to reach out to him or not, but if you fear for your safety or well-being in any way, I would say not to. It all depends on the specifics of the situation though.

lovetodance2018 profile image
lovetodance2018

How are you doing? I have been praying for you. Hugs

Ilovepugs123 profile image
Ilovepugs123 in reply to lovetodance2018

Im doing good, Thank you for praying for me hugs back to you.

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