I have a incredibly toxic family

[Bulliedchild1]

I have a very low confidence and high level of social awkwardness. I think this is because of two things: my toxic family and my history of being bullied incessantly, especially from the 5th to 7th grade.I feel that my family is not a normal family. My mom and dad always scapegoated one another and swore at each other. My mom called my dad a “lunatic, idiot, utterly useless”. My dad also responded similarly. Sometimes they would kick each other when the fight became very intense. I could not understand why they stayed together despite the fact they hated each other so much. To this question, my mom said it was because I was a burden and did not have the will to go to a public school where the fees are free. Since she was not financially independent, she had to send me and my sibling to a public school if she was to get divorced. I could not come to appreciate either of my parents. They were both horrible, but my dad was far far worse. While I was still a toddler, he would beat me whenever I did something like shouting or crying. My mom told me that I would be covered in bruises because my dad hit me so hard. Even in middle school, he would come into my room without knocking the door. He would even unlock the keys to get in. After that, he would tell me that I have a developmental disorder (I do not know for sure, but in elementary school, I had a pronounced symptom of Asperger’s. Now it is much milder). He would then start complaining about all the little things I did that he didn’t like. The encounters were so stressful that I sometimes shouted swear words like “damn” because I simply could not cope. When that happened, he would fly back and tell me to apologise. This made me feel deep anger and hopelessness. Even worse, my mom told me sometimes later that my dad was a promiscuous man. During my early childhood, my dad went to Southeast Asia where he had a sex with a prostitute. He then noticed something wrong with his body, so rushed to his home country to check if he had contacted an STI. He wasted tens of thousands of dollars on the process. After hearing that account I started to despise my dad. I could not bring myself to listen to him with calm platitude once I knew how horrid a human being this man was.