My husband has a friend ( good friend from childhood) and I have a problem with him. First year of dating my husband both of them used to get into mischief behind my back that I found out later in my marriage . For years my husband struggled with alcohol and tobacco and he’s been clean ( praise the lord)!! about this friend… he’s in a very dark place of his life ( drug addiction) also he used to be a bad influence on my husband. My husband has a golden heart and he will literally be the best friend ( lend money, take calls in the middle of the night, drive him sometimes cause he crashed his car multiple times probably driving high). He mainly reaches out to my husband when he’s in trouble . I do consider this friendship one-sided and me and my husband had gotten into heated arguments over this. I know my husband has a soft spot in his heart when it comes to this friendship and I try my best not to be a jerk and get in the way of things. But turns out I do not trust my husband around him ( the guy is a pusher) and I know sooner or later thoso old habits will sneak in. I did have a honest conversation with my husband and he was so sweet about it but to be honest I do not want the guy around. I may sound selfish, cold-hearted and I know he needs help. It wasn’t always like this, I used to be so nice to him but he pushed my buttons by taking advantage of my husband and causing fights between us both. I just need another perspective. Maybe a different approach . I am really trying my best to not be a b**ch about this but I don’t know how I do not want to come across like I’m controlling him ( over all he’s got other friends that I have zero concerns about) it’s just this guy.
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MandyBueno
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Find your boundaries. You have influence with your husband but not his friend. Funnily my first reaction was “do you trust your husband “ until I got to that line. So now my question is “why not?” and “how can he earn your trust?” Because honestly that is the key. Even he agrees to dump him which he should imo…what does that matter without trust? You can’t believe it without trust, can you? So can the two of you build some trust on what you have? The hard truth for his friend is he made a pact with you which he should honor. I don’t think you are asking anything unreasonable.
I trust him to a certain extend. He’s got a really outgoing personality and if for some reason that friend “suggests “ something at first he will refuse it but it’s not gonna take long until he caves in. My husband is still in the process of “ giving up the bad stuff” and although I think he is strong , we all know that it is hard to give up some things. So it’s not that I don’t trust trust him. Bottom line : that friend is a no no to me. And i am trying hard to not over step my boundaries cause I’m fully aware that although I’m his wife, I’m not his mom and that he is a fully grown man. But I just had pretty bad experiences regarding to this particular subject that just put a bad taste in my mouth overall. And it’s not only the drugs, his whole family is messed up and inconsiderate
I'm a guy. I know of a guy whose gf is that way. She's always in jail and has future dates with with jail time because of future trial dates. I had said outlook I wouldn't put up with that kind if behavior and leave her. So my wife said you wouldn't stay with me? I said " nope because you should know better than that and you deserve the punishment". How could live with someone who is always a bad influence on me?Well anyways you have the right to let your husband know how you feel. You're only protecting him from his past. I'm totally on your side on this,I'd be concerned too. He's got other people you wouldn't mind him being around and why wouldn't he want those kind of friends to hang around? This "friend" needs to grow up and stop being a d**k in life. I'm sorry I used that text but it's time for him to grow out of his childish ways.
Thank you so much for your support! It is really hard to find a fine line in those situations but from an early age I’ve learned that people have an influence on us, wether it’s a good one or a bad one. And I myself have found me in situations where I was like “ I need to cut ties with this person or I will be drowning with them.” We have this urge to want to help people but we need to know what’s acceptable. I have nothing against sitting next to someone holding their hands and giving them good advice. But never ever let them take a toll on you. I’m so sorry about your situation, it is definitely complicated but I know deep inside you know what’s the best to do. I truly believe that we were not designed to live in suffering. We were definitely designed to go through hard times and then come out of it, but never settle down in the amidst of the chaos. Some people have chosen to live this way, but in order to live a healthier, happier life, sometimes we need to do the hard thing and just let those people go. God will always make sure to replace them with a better a person. We are so caught up in the fear of ending up “alone” that sometimes we put up with things that we are not meant to put up with ( all as aspects of life).
Hi Mandy. I have a different take on your plight. I agree with your position but have found it impossible to get people to do what I think they should. And I get addicted to the addict.
For help with my husband’s (and daughter’s) issues, I went to Al-Anon. I needed a twelve step program to help me Live and Let Live.
You’re right. Your husband is an adult and free to make his own choices. But so are you. You’ve already let your wishes be known. But now you’re still left with your fears. I understand.
Keep stating your position but be mindful of your expectations of compliance.
I agree with LilyAnnepuppy . You and your husband both could benefit by trying Al-Anon. It helps you understand how and why to deal with an addictive person you care about. If your husband flat out refuses to go, go anyway. It’s an educational and supportive group. 🍀
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