Trying to get past best friend leaving the relationship

[Naturelover58]

I had a best friend for most of my life. About 5 years ago, she started to exhibit controlling aspects to the friendship, and accused me of never being there for her, not being a good friend etc., to the point that just having her call me, caused anxiety in me. 2.5 years ago, I started seeing a counselor to help me with the anxiety that the friendship was causing me, and my counselor told me that I should talk to my friend about this, which I did. I suggested to my friend that we see a counselor together to try to work out our issues. My friend attended once, and then quit, because she felt this new(to both of us) counselor only saw my point of view. My friend said that I had never been a good friend to her, and she wished no contact from me, while she took a break from our friendship. I have only sent her an e-mail once a year wishing her a happy birthday and she has done the same for me. I feel like the pain of having this former best friend leave the friendship is easing, and I don't think at this point in time, I can ever return to a friendship where I am always accused of not being a good friend, abandoning her, etc., I have loved her beyond measure but the anxiety was incredible. I still feel though that if I don't acknowledge her birthday each year, I will once again face her wrath, but life is short and I want people in my life who want to be in my life. I had offered to seek counseling with her, and she quit after one session. I continued to see a counselor to help me deal with the anxiety and stress and grief of losing this friend. I've come this far, but this last part of just cutting that last tie, still has a hold on me-not because of cutting the tie, but still worrying that it will inspire anger in her. I do want to cut that last tie. Thanks for listening.

[Blueruth]

Good for you for taking care of yourself. She sounds hurt and probably her ego is bruised but that is not for you until she acknowledges it. You won't know if she is angry unless you talk to her so I wouldn't worry about it. Take care of you.

[Naturelover58 in reply to Blueruth]

Thank you Blueruth. She had told me after she took a few breaks earlier that she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Her therapist told her that she wasn't being fair with me, and my friend told me that she didn't care, that this is what she needed from me as a friend. I just felt that the hoops I had to jump through, kept shifting and getting smaller and smaller, hence the anxiety. I also knew that until she acknowledged needing help herself, that there was nothing that I could fix on my own. I have to take care of myself at this point. Thankyou.

[Naturelover58 in reply to Blueruth]

The thing that I struggle with is that after 40 years of friendship, I feel that if I send her a note just to say that I wish her well, but I won't contact her again, even for birthdays, I would be drawing her in again, and I know that this is not what I want to do. If I just stop contacting her that once a year, then I feel like that isn't honouring our past friendship and yet my daughter said to me that if we don't speak or contact each other for 364 other days a year, is that a friendship anyway? It has been a lot to process, having a friendship end that I thought never would. I want to cut this last tie and feel right about how I do it and yet the memory of what she wrote me, about never having been there for her, never supporting her etc., hurt me so very much. I just don't want to stir anything up again.

[Blueruth in reply to Naturelover58]

Friendships can go without speaking for years and start up again. I know from personal experience. I forget the saying about women and friendships.

If sending a birthday card is honoring a friendship then keep it. If you are doing it to keep her away then I think you are just prolonging your pain because that is forever in the back of your mind. You aren’t obligated to send her a note at all. But you are in control. If you feel like it is right then do it but you can also not answer the door, phone or emails if she tries to contact you. In fact you can configure them to immediately go to a folder so that you look at them only when you are ready, if ever.