2 years after best friend left the friendship.

[Naturelover58]

Hi everyone. I wrote to this site 2 years ago after my best friend of 40 years had told me that she was leaving our friendship after she accused me of not being supportive etc., and never a good friend and she needed time away. Prior to this I had offered to pay for a few sessions of counseling to hopefully, have an unbiased person to help us sort through our difficulties. Over the previous 3 years, my friend had become angry on different occasions, telling me it had to be all about her because she was having difficulties. I know that she had been seeing a counselor for several years, and the counselor had told her that she was being unfair with me, but she told me that she didn't care, that this is what she needed. She didn't wish any contact from me. Now just over 2 years later, I have just sent her a note on her birthdays, but no other contact and she has done the same for me. I don't wish to ghost her, but I also don't want to re-establish contact when I know she hasn't got the help that she needs. Prior to this, our friendship had become a huge source of anxiety for me, always anxious about her anger and accusations. We were lifetime best friends prior to that three year period and then the accusations and anger had started. Towards the end, I had tried to distance myself to protect myself. She had gone with me to one counseling session and then quit because she felt that the counselor was only supportive of me and then she told me that she was taking a break from the friendship. Over the last two years, I have found the anxiety to decrease and in spite of another friend telling me that sending her a note to her on her birthday is a way of honouring the past friendship, I feel like I have to look after myself now and move on entirely. I am just thinking of wishing her the best for the future if she contacts me on my birthday. Other than that, I want to be done. Thankyou.

[Midori]

No harm in sending a card, but you don't have to go further if you don't want to.

[Naturelover58 in reply to Midori]

Thanks Midori. I had gone to a counselor a couple of times over the last 2 years to help me deal with the situation. The counselor had said the same thing-just sending an e-mail or a card wouldn't hurt, but I think that receiving those last few e-mails from her at the end, where she said that I had never supported her, never been a good friend, even though we had been best friends for over 40 years, really hurt me, and I feel now that if that is really how she feels(and I am sure that mental health is a big part of this issue), that I want to just accept this and move on. It's taken me over 2 years to get to this point, and sadly I still feel that if I don't do anything in some small way, that she could come back with her anger, but I don't want to be afraid of that.

[AuntBee]

IMO I think you should honor the friendship by letting it go completely. Perhaps someday she will be back with an apology but until then, I agree with your assessment that you should protect yourself from the hurtfulness, stress, and rejection. Would it do any harm to send a card or email on her birthday? Yes, it is sending a message that may be misinterpreted. It may appear you are begging for a friendship.

[Naturelover58 in reply to AuntBee]

Thank you AuntBee. It's the first time I have heard it expressed that way, but after the hurtful things she had said, I feel like I don't want it to appear that I am okay with what happened or that I am begging for a friendship. I appreciate your thoughts.

[Naturelover58 in reply to AuntBee]

Sorry if I am rehashing this just a bit AuntBee, but my birthday is coming up in a little while, and this is really the only contact we have, where my friend(not the right term, but I don't know what else to call her now) sends me birthday wishes. I think 2 years of healing has left me in a space, where if this is the only contact we have in a year, then I wish to let this go as I said earlier. On the other hand, I don't wish to ghost her for the future, by not replying to her when she wishes me happy Birthday, and yet I do not want to draw her in, in any way. I think it's probably healthy that I have a certain amount of anger, that she walked away from the friendship, when I offered to pay for some joint counseling sessions and accused me of never being a supportive friend, likely because I just couldn't deal with the anxiety caused by increased demands of control on her part. I really miss the old friend that I had for 38 years before the last couple of years of a mostly hellish friendship. I do want to honour that old friend by just saying goodbye, and I don't know how to do it. I don't want her anger, nor do I want her to feel that I am seeking her out. Totally a dilemma for me.

[AuntBee in reply to Naturelover58]

I see 2 options. 1)completely ignore the card and not respond, or 2) write a letter after receiving the card to let her know that while you still miss your old friendship, you have decided to completely end the friendship unless and until she agrees to counseling with you to work out the friendship. It may be decided after counseling its best to cut ties, you never know. If she says she wont do counseling with you, you then have her answer and should no longer acknowledge her cards (although you can’t control if she sends you more cards). In this way, you would have clearly told her if she’s not interested in repairing the friendship then please lets just leave each other alone and leave the good memories in the past.

I realize option #2 is confrontational and is much harder but friendships and other relationships never are easy although they have there rewards.

[Naturelover58 in reply to AuntBee]

Thanks AuntBee, I had typed out a reply yesterday, but see it is missing now, so here I go again. I have thought carefully about what you have written. My plan 2 years ago was to offer to pay for some counseling, to help repair the friendship, as that was the only chance I thought would work in terms of working things out, in a fair way for both of us. My friend went once and then quit, because she felt that her side was not appreciated by the therapist. I don't want to make that offer again, as it was snubbed after one visit and then she told me that she was taking a break from the friendship. I think that over 2 years has gone by and other than wishing me a Happy Birthday, there has been no communication and I really want people in my life that want to be there. Your first option in this regard is the one that works the best for me. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It has been very helpful.

[AuntBee in reply to Naturelover58]

You are wise to know your limits and boundaries. I think you are a strong person in whichever option you choose because while its a difficult position to be in, you are doing what is best for you.

Im glad I could help in some small

way.

[Naturelover58 in reply to AuntBee]

If you had asked me 6 years ago, if I ever would be in this place, I would say that no I couldn't imagine it, but sometimes life throws us absolute curveballs. I wanted this best friend to be in my life for always, and to be honest, the pain in the loss of the friendship has been considerable, but I am finally in a place, where I know that's what's best for me, is to not engage in what had become a toxic relationship in the last few years, where I became so anxious every time the phone rang and I knew it was her. It's hard to believe that this was the same friend who was beside me through thick and thin for most of our lives. I always would choose to have that old friend back, but the reality is that I know that as is, if I would to take her back, every time she expected something from me, I would jump, and if by any chance or occasion, that I wasn't able to meet her expectations, I am sure she would again lash out at me, and I can't risk the danger to my mental health. It might be strength, or just a growing awareness that who I have to protect in this is myself. Thankyou.