There’s just too much pain

[Starrlight]

I thought I’d feel better by now. I feel worse and there is more pain than ever. I wish I could leave the world. I continuously stay alone and feel I can’t reach out to anyone in my life. I pray I wake up to something new something to give me my strength back. I’m scared. Scared to homeschool. Scared to get in trouble for a stupid mistake I made. Scared I’m loosing touch with reality. I think I’m depressed and if I tell my therapist I don’t think she will be able to help me and my psychiatrist will want to put me on yet another med. No. I can’t cry as it is. I don’t know who I am these days. I thought I was a great mom. I thought I had a future but now I don’t see one. I’m hurting physically because of my emotional pain. I cannot keep going down like this. I had so much trouble letting this out but I convinced myself this is the place where I can do that. I need a miracle. I quit drinking recently. I wanted to put a stop to the unhealthy habit and I knew that my kids would benefit from seeing me a healthy and happier mom but I’m not either and I’m lost. Everything is worse for the time being. Im going to try to get some sleep. Thank you to anyone who cares and responds. <3

[Iammesues]

Hi. I’m right here. You are in a delicate state. Thoughts are not clear, not accurate. Your children need you (and mine need me) so we are here and we will stay. Where is your safe place for help? I remember you have one and went there

[Starrlight in reply to Iammesues]

Hi. You are right. Our kids do need us. Iammesues thank you for being with me. There is a crisis center, but I’m afraid it won’t help now. It has changed and there is no space to go to when you need to be alone which I need a lot of. I don’t have enough energy for all of that. I don’t know what I need. Maybe time. Maybe to try harder. I’ll try harder tomorrow. I’ll try venturing out tomorrow. I’ll try doing some normal things like usual instead of staying closed up.

[Starrlight in reply to Starrlight]

How old are your kids? Mine are 10, 14, 26.

[lolanell]

Thinking of you…and how you keep everyone going…do not give up..

[Starrlight in reply to lolanell]

Thank you Lolanell. I’m so scared. I feel like something horrible will happen and I certainly don’t want to be the one doing it but I’m always messing up. I do try at least. I have to keep trying, I know.

[XoxoFaith]

Iam here for you friend as Iam also not feeling good either lots of negative thoughts

[Starrlight in reply to XoxoFaith]

Yes I’m here for you, too, my friend. Let’s try to be positive. Let’s put the worry and regret away and be in the present moment. Just for a bit right now. Deep breath in through the nose 123 and out deeply 12345. It always helps me when I remember it.

[XoxoFaith in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you friend

[lolanell]

Remember it is only how you feel now…you will feel better..you help so many others…,you are a good person and Mother

[Starrlight in reply to lolanell]

You are so kind. Thank you. I just don’t know any more.

[AnxiousSilver]

We all make mistakes, we all go through bad times, but trying to do it all alone (which is what I was doing over for the past few years) is not good.

You have this place, and we are here for you.

.

Finally, I want to commend you for giving up the alcohol. That isn't easy, and yes I'm speaking from experience here. (I haven't had a drink in years)

Your anxiety and depression will be better off (overall) if you can stay away from it.

JMO.

[Starrlight in reply to AnxiousSilver]

I’m grateful that you understand. I will continue to reach out here. You being here is so important to me so thank you.

[AnxiousSilver in reply to Starrlight]

"You being here is so important to me so thank you."

That goes both ways Starrlight.

Hugs.

[Sueislove]

You got this Starrlight! I know in our past conversations you are a strong person ! I’m sure the withdrawals are making you think differently. Sending lots of strength and prayers your way ! And don’t second guess your our a wonderful Mother!!!!!!❤️💞❤️

[melbrown]

Sending lots of love and hugs to you dear one. I know this is hard... you are so strong and brave... here for you Starrlight. 💛

[Starrlight in reply to melbrown]

(((((Mel)))) it’s good to see you here. How are you? Thanks for caring.

[Starrlight]

Thanks for the reminder... I’m still healing. Thanks for being here with me. <3

[Vangirl99]

I think many of us have felt some form of what you are feeling. The fear of messing up comes with being a parent. We can all do only our best and no more. It took me several years and several doctors, councilors and psychiatrists to find the combination of medications that help me. To be honest they help most of the time but not all the time.You need to use your supports, this group, crisis lines or centers, what ever you have to get you over these humps.

I don't know you, but am proud you are taking a healthier approach to your lifestyle for your family. The fact you reached out to this group shows great courage and resolve to move past this moment in your illness.

I use illness because often we forget that depression or any mental health issue is an illness and requires help to get through and for many it is an ongoing reoccurring life long issue.

Celebrate every win. Today mine was moving from the left side of the couch to the right side, brushed my teeth and hugged my daughter.

I suffer from severe chronic pain, major depressive disorder, anxiety among other things.

Find your wins! I will be your biggest cheerleader.

😀

[Starrlight in reply to Vangirl99]

Thank you. Good advice you’ve given. I tend to push really hard and then I have nothing left. I did so much this morning that if I don’t get much else done it’s enough.

I’m sorry to hear about chronic pain. What is it due to?

How old is your daughter?

We can both be each other’s cheerleaders! You are beautiful.

[Mikam1967]

Hi sweetie. I wish I could give you a big hug and let you cry out all your pain. I know in my heart you're a good mom. Mom schooling is rough. I wanted to homeschool my twins, but their father refused and fought me on it. (He and I are no longer together.) My heart understands you. I have those days where I'm lost and have all kinds of anxious thoughts. The worse fear is that my ex would take my kids from me. There's so much fear with that it makes me not to want to be here. I even make mistakes because I have memory problems, so I need to rely on my 8-year-old twins for some help. I have times where I feel worthless because I needed to depend on someone else to help me with something so simple. Now what I do about it? I see both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I'm on meds that help. Do you see a doctor? Maybe they can help, too? I also say prayers and do journaling. Both helps me to release the pain especially. Journaling is also great because it keeps track of the emotions and events of the day. I know it's hard but keep fighting. If you keep fighting, I will too. We all have a purpose on the earth. We just need to find out what it is. Taking care of our family is one of them. I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers. I hope I helped in some way. Just know I and many of us here understand you. I send you my love, support, hope and hugs, and encouragement.

[Starrlight in reply to Mikam1967]

(((((Hug))))) I wish I could cry. I forget easily too. My mom has Alzheimer’s so that’s a worry right there. I feel like anxiety can cause us to have memory problems also certain meds can cause it yet some meds help.

Meditation helps. Do you want to try meditation with me? We could meditate in the mornings by taking 10-15 minutes to deep breathe and focus on the breath which brings us back to present and peace. We could share our experiences with each other.

I hear your worry about your ex taking the kiddos. That is so unlikely. But I get it I have fears similar to yours. Try to believe that that is not what’s going on. I worry too it seems impossible not to right now. And we are still ok. Things are usually more ok than we think because when we overthink or try to jump ahead to the future of what could be, we don’t live our life in this moment.