I'm on the edge. But nobody sees it. I can't rest. Plus i'm terribly terrified of any interaction with my family

[Against_the_current]

I am really tired of everything. My trauma is frying my brain. I have therapy and take meds and try everything. But i can't. I'm really tired. Plus Spring tiredness, university, project, exams, my project, staying till late. I went to sleep today when i finished the conference and my family remembered me and paniced me, still trying to calm mom back and she isn't responding, i'm worried. And couldn't talk more with dad just him making himself look like he cares about me in front of grandpa. I'm so triggered and worried that mom isn't picking the phone and i'm just waking up and my roommate and her friend arrived and started playing music that is sensory overloading me and reminding me of a trauma i have. I want to scream to them, to the world "slow down, i can't no more, i can't 😭" and her friend asked me what's up and i told her honestly i'm not okay, i'm worried about mom and she said im selfish. And i told her i'm not taking care of myself because i needed to help someone and she said im not selfish enough. And about mom that humans do blah blah and i said "u haven't studied this and believe me it will mess u up more" and she was like "u don't know what i have studied". She hasn't. I asked how's she to not seem so rude and she's studying sth else. And i. She isn't my problem at all. I have worse. I don't understand how ppl can be annoyed at me for my mental illness but not understand im ill and go easier on me.

Edit : I called mom, i feel like crying. I'm worried about them. Sis isn't going to school again. She's always feeling unwell and mom and i worry it's from anxiety. I worry whether her mental health is bad because i'm gone or because all of the bullshit, dad bringing her to the baby, what mom's doing when i'm gone. But at the same time i can't go to them because i have exams here and because i'm unstable myself and probably will make her worse and won't be able to take it If something is happening there. I feel so bad for being here. What if they miss me and do stupid thing? What will i find when i go back? I can't handle it. But nothing happens when i can't handle it i just keep on struggling, living on critical, and nobody is slowing down. I'm going insane. And i have been going insane since 2020. What is going on when i'm gone? Is my sister getting mentally ill? She doesn't want to go to a therapist. Is mom behaving bad to her or getting a boyfriend or something? Do they miss me? But could i handle it to be there? Just by calling them i want to cry. I am going insane. I need help and all i get is judge ment(when we don't count the online help) . Now i'm alone again and they're gone, just messed me then, alone with my thoughts.

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[hypercat54]

Why don't take a step back from your family and just tell them you are concentrating on your school work and won't be in touch for a week or so? Then see if you feel any calmer.

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

I told them but these days passed. Every single interaction with them makes me go insane

[Daveacr1959]

Try the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube daily. Take a cold shower 5-10 minutes daily. It’s helping over 2 million of us. Look it up on you tube or online. Get 40 minutes of cardio exercise daily. I know I have told you this before. If you were to jump in a 50 degree lake for 5-10 minutes. And get your head under the water . Get the cold water on your head . You come out of the water invigorated. And then a sense of peace and calm follow for 8-12 hours. It causes the brain to release chemicals we need. And it’s a total reset of the nervous system. I’m getting ready to do 20-30 minutes of breathing exercises right now. Then go in my 40 degree plunge for 6-7-8 minutes. I’ve been through too much the past 2 years. This is helping me find my old self again. I have had over a dozen people on here p m me and tell me they saw me write about it and they tried it, and they do it daily now . And a few got lazy and quit and went back to it. Just take a barely warm shower and lower the temperature to cool not cold. And stay in for a few songs on your phone. Then lower the temperature a few degrees each week. You can do this!

[Against_the_current in reply to Daveacr1959]

Thanks, will try