So overwhelmed. I'm stuck there. Every interaction with my family leaves my brain spasming. Finally made breakfast and mom called and i feel on over load. I just hope they're okay. My mind is giving me so much scenarios. It's some holiday and the day grand grand Grandma passes out and mom had Dreams of her and told me and i'm scared. Granma is probably going insane because it's her mother and she works at a church. Why is everything so hard? Even working at an orthodox church? Even giving a presentation? Even making breakfast? I needed 2 hours to fry eggs and another 2 hours to eat them and was interrupted. I'm not okay to be bothered by this. I'm a bad daughter, grandaughter and so but i'm bad at being human. My head hurts so much. All veins in my brain spasming. Why am i so triggered? Laying upside down and singing "Overwhelmed".
Some unfinished lines about my illness. I wrote them because i felt bad that i couldn't take advice.
Edit cause i can't calm my thoughts. It terrifies me how generational trauma and family story can mess you up on the uncounscious. I have fear of such ancient paranormal stuff. And it's not even so paranormal. I hate how something might happen to a family member away of you and you're left anxious not knowing why. Or something will happen long ago or before you're even born and you're gonna be messed up and not even knowing why. I was told of a person Who had a phobia of freezing and didn't know why and it turned out his grand uncle froze and it's coded in his uncounscious. I hate how humans are made. Shared uncounscious as Jung says. I hate the uncounscious. I'm spiraling out of control. So busy dealing with stuff that happened 50 years ago that i can't eat my breakfast nor clean my room. And no proffesional can erase that we have some suffering family somewhere and some more suffering happened sometimes. Nor i can break this connection. I'm scared.
I hate having to be a mother
I'm not needed or loved. I'm just a burden.
