Today I turn 58 and it feels dismal. I look back and feel I have wasted my life. I look forward and don't see anything positive. I have a 40yr history of mental illness - drugs, therapy, hospitalizations - the whole nine yards.
I wasn't paying attention while all of my friends dropped out. I didn't pay attention that everyone has a career (stay at home Mom). I didn't pay attention that my kids grew up; started their own lives and families, and don't need me.
I just wanted to write this out because I am so sad. My eyes well up with tears. At 58 I have the confidence of a 12yr old. Just so sad for having nothing to show for my life.
Thank you for indulging me.
Written by
car103
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Happy birthday dear. Smile. These are the best years of your life believe it or not. Your age is a huge advantage. Your history mirrors mine, minus the parenthood part. BUT, now that the kids are grown and you find your self in a new life chapter, might i suggest investing in a relationship with a higher power? I used to laugh when people said that to me. I felt exactly like you feel right now. I had to remove all distractions from my life, all comparisons. I had to stop looking at others and wishing i had what they had. Took a lot of practice. I had to take long breaks from social media. I had to spend time in nature. And gradually, i started to feel a connection with "something higher". Started getting "guidance" and you will too. Our cries for help ARE HEARD. Unfortunately, almost never by the people we really want to hear them. But a higher power is aware of your suffering and is gently beckoning you to look within, clear away the dependencies on others, and look for that "unconditional love" that's placing it's hand on your shoulder right now as we speak. Keep your head up.
Thank you so much. Your suggestion is really good. I'm actually orthodox Jewish. I gave up my connection but still practice the rituals. I do need to remember God is there and doesn't forget anyone.
Happy. Birthday from me 💐Strugglin is right this is a good age, you are free now , your kids have grown up and made their own lives, and I’m sure you were a wonderful Mum , now it’s your turn, you are never too old to learn new things, im in my seventies and how I wish I was twenty years younger , when I was your age I didn’t have any kids, not through choice, and I looked after both my parents to the end, I’m so glad I did that. I have no regrets there as they were wonderful parents and I could never repay them for what they did for me, but after I lost them I thought, ok what now 🤔
I’m free the world is my oyster, of course life isn’t like that is it, my OH and I did go on loads of wonderful holidays etc, but after a few years fortunately Il health stepped in, with arthritis, fibromyalgia and last year after covid it affected me mentally , thankfully I’m better at the moment, but my advice to you is don’t waste these years, these are YOUR years, live live to the full, it’s your time 👍
Car - Happy Birthday. I am sorry it doesn't feel good. Reality check though, not all birthdays feel good - that goes for everybody, mental issues are not. Some birthdays are great, others not so.
You've not wasted your life. You created a family who are now grown up and living lives. Congrats! That's great. Your kids still need you, just in a different way and maybe not as often. But that's great b/c it means they are handling their lives.
Your mental health issues didn't stop you from keeping on. They've gotten in the way, sure. Made things more difficult, yes. But here you stand. Painfully, but you are here.
There's alot of pain in struggling so hard to and having life move past you. But you're here and those struggles have given you strength and wisdom. I know you're still in pain, but you still have a whole lot of life ahead of you. You still have time live w/less pain and bring in more joy and energy. It's not over!
Take this birthday and chalk it up to a bad one - it happens. How about working towards making 59 better? It doesn't have to be great, it just has to be better. Progress is a journey.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF today. You deserve kindness. Treat yourself to that kindness today. Focus only the good aspects of yourself and of the day. It can be small things. It's the small things that make our lives anyway.
I hope that before the day ends, you make yourself feel better. Dry up those tears, and be kind and gentle with yourself.
Happy Birthday! I just joined this site today and yours was the first post I read. I have to say it brought tears to my eyes because of the parallels in my own life. I hope you were able to find some joy today.
Happy birthday to you. There are great responses on here to your post, i'm sure you will take them to heart. As one of my favorite therapists said "It's never too late to have a happy childhood" now's the time to start. My best to you.
Happy Birthdy and thank you for sharing. I am sorry you are feeling sad and that you have had a tough time throughout your life. I can relate with feeling like I missed out on things, but then I had to work on changing my thoughts and perspective. I have two grown girls, was a SAHM too until my children were elementary age. Each one of us have unique skills that God had given us. I struggled for awhile with my self-esteem until I learned to find what makes me unique and learn to love myself. This is a great time in your life to get to know you and to take care of you. Here is an article (bit.ly/3yutoXh) that might help you discover who you are, what you like, and what you'd like to try in your life. I also pray for God direction each day and know He is my guide. I will be praying for you too. If you'd like to chat feel free to pm me. I know the struggles of getting caught up with not knowing who I am or what I meant to be doing with my life. Hugs and God Bless
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