Apparently i can't live with my family. I try breathing, meds, pmr, water. But i can't stand my family, they trigger me

[Against_the_current]

I blew out. Mom's annoying the hell out of sis and i started Yelling because i'm holding it all day. We were at the pool and she asked me about dad's baby's name which i don't know and ruined it. Now sis is sick and she made a compromise to come and mom won't stop bothering her to go down for dinner and i feel bad for sis and anxious and i was holding it and i started Yelling when granma got involved. And mom was talking about the snow. Granma was like shut up, you're overwhelming your sister and i was like mom won't stop bothering her to come and she said she won't bring her food. I said "You're gonna leave your kid hungry" and sis said "like nothing". And then sis "don't bring me food, it doesn't matter, i doesn't matter, i'm used to it". Granma can hold grudges but when i yell to protect sis because mom kept asking over and over again, i was the bag guy. Even sis sees me as burden and as same as mom - Loco who can't take care of her and she has to cope alone and deal with our bs. I almost got violent. I'm scared. I can't live with them. Next Monday is mom's birthday, then at the sunday her nameday, next Sunday Easter. But i don't think i will be able to make it for 2 weeks. I can't even exist with my family. I'm scared of myself. I'm not okay. I almost went violent. I litterary got a panic attack in the Relax zone in the Spa at the hotel. Panic at the hotel lol. I hate it. I'm having so bad cramps, every word that comes out of them triggers me. Sis is so sick and nobody cares about her. Mom annoys her. Granma defend mom. Sis sees me as some walking panic attack who's as worse as mom. Mom's drinking again and saying the same thing over and over again. I can't cope with her. I have homework. Idk how i will write it. I can't cope. I can't function. I'm always at a crisis. I can't stand my family. I need to be hospitalsed but at my country mental hospitals are only for killers and psychopaths and they don't even have bed sheets because some dude hanged himself on the bedsheets. I have a friend Who was there because she attempted and she's traumatized from the hospital. I want to scream. I can't even look at mom, sis and Grandma. I want a safe place where someone will tell me it's okay and take care of me. And to everything with mom, sis and dad to be okay. I'm going insane 😭😭😭😭

[Starrlight]

I hear you. It’s all a lot that you go through. It’s a lot of stress. It sounds like your panic attacks come from the family in disorder like your mom drinking Sis being sick and grandma not hearing where you are coming from. Can you take a retreat into your own space and chill a bit? Try to grab so peace and quiet? I know you have tried deep breathing and it didn’t work right? I understand that. Sometimes one good tool doesn’t wirk and wdd we need to search for the things that will work for us in the moment. Distractions. Nature. Tea. Shower A movie Writing it out as you did so well here...A phone call to someone who can help you decide what the steps can be. ❤️

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

I can't. I'm stuck in a hotel room in a wild place with them all.

[Starrlight in reply to Against_the_current]

Wow I’m so sorry.❤️

[Against_the_current]

I hate inadequate moms. I'm missing my favourite events and volunteering because of her trip and sis is sick and she's asking over and over again. Same bullshit over and over again. Annoying us. Drinking. Talking no sence

[TrustYourSoul]

Why are you with them?? I thought you live with roommates (whom you also struggle with). If your own family is this bad, I don't understand why you are with them right now. You need to leave them All and save yourself right away if you can, and start a new and better life. Only YOU can make the decisions and take the actions that you know are right. Can you leave them, or is there some reason you can't?

[Against_the_current in reply to TrustYourSoul]

That's what i worry about - i can't stay with them but i have some things to do with them and i Wonder whether to cancel it all and cacoon myself in my accomodation and never call my family again.... They wanted to go on a trip and picked me up from my accomodation. Then i will probably have to go back to them at mom's birthday 11th, nameday 17th and Easter 20th.

[Indiegal]

Are you able to step away from the situation at all like take a walk or study in a library or cafe or walk around shops? I would suggest getting a drink at a pub somewhere, but I don't know if that's triggering for you with your mom's issues with alcohol. It sounds like you need to establish some time away where you can gather your thoughts or even try to thing about something else for a while.

If you have anything that will help you get out your frustrations like talking with someone, even a stranger, or writing down how you feel to get it all out, that might help. I would also try to find something positive to focus on, like drawing or creative writing or even coloring...or whatever else interests you. If you can go somewhere to do that it can be cathartic, at least for a while. Or if you need to study that can be positive as you are working to better yourself.

I'm sorry you're going through such a stressful time and I hope you can find at least some moments of peace away from it. It sounds like a toxic situation that you likely won't be able to fix right now with all of you in one hotel room so the best thing to do might be to find some solace where you can.

[Against_the_current in reply to Indiegal]

Thanks. I actually went out to hang out in the lobby so i could get some alone time but granma got mad at me for coming in late. I'm 21 and i can't stay untill midnight - like what the hell. Granma is acting like a baby and then acting like "i'm the oldest, you should listen to me bs"

[TrustYourSoul]

When is your family trip over? Although I rarely condone lying, you might start preparing "excuses" for the next few times your family wants you to be with them. You keep saying your sister is "sick". I don't see what she is sick with, but maybe it's time for you to practice saying "No" in your head for future events. "No, I am staying in. I am not feeling well". "No, I need to study and concentrate". "No. I am sick and tired of your drinking, and I won't let you steal my peace. No more talk mother. Get help NOW. I am DONE feeling miserable. Do you understand?" Refuse to yell. Then do Not have more discussion. Say that you have to hang up, wish your mother, sister, grandma well, then put the phone down and turn it off.

Please be in charge of Who and What you allow in your life. You don't live with them, so that makes this easier to do. Please.....calmly stand up for yourself, let them yell to Themselves, but not to You. You have a new and much happier life that you are ready to start. I know you are brave enough, and strong enough. You are! You CAN walk away from your toxic family. They will Not learn anything or change if you stay. You can't change them with words and yelling, but you might see positive change if you "speak with your feet", walk away, and leave them to save yourself.

You ARE Brave and Strong. It is obvious that you know right from wrong. I will be thinking of you, praying for you, and picturing you standing up Very tall, holding up your hand, and firmly saying, "No more. I am done. I am going to be happy without you and all of your terrible behavior. I (think) I love you, but I don't like you. I love myself more. I have to. Goodbye."🙇‍♀️💜

[Against_the_current in reply to TrustYourSoul]

Thank you, you're right. 💜But she just gets really manipulative to get what she wants and i can't say no. And the holiday is ending in the morning. Sis has temperature and cough. And now i caught it too and mom offered me to take me home because i'm sick. I got anxious because i don't know what to do and i annoyed sis. She doesn't want me home, she doesn't want to give me attention now. And i'm worried she outgrown me. I'm telling myself she's just tired from the sickness. And i'm so anxious, i'm really annoying. I really don't know what to do. I'm better alone as you say and i won't bother sis with my existence and anxiety but it's an opportunity to go home for mom's birthday without catching trains and i'm sick. I can't stop struggling

[TrustYourSoul]

If, as you said, you "can't say No", then you are stuck where things are, and will need to settle down and just accept it all, without getting upset anymore. Maybe that will work for you.... just surrender and accept, instead of fighting.😕

[Against_the_current in reply to TrustYourSoul]

I should learn how to accept indeed. I really hate how it's both like i have no choice and worry myself sick over choosing and not know what to do. If mom told me "You're coming" it would be easier or If she gave me a real choice. I'm stuck in the worst middle. I had Dreams and nightmares about home and my accomodation all night. This issue where to be worried me sick. I can't stop being anxious, i'm annoying to others.

[Against_the_current]

Same. I'm so sorry. Hugs