I don’t want to lose my marriage

[Robert2003]

I am 41 years old. I have been married for almost 18 years. I have been diagnosed and suffer from depression for many years. I am afraid I am going to lose my marriage. Every time i try to tell my wife how she makes me feel inadequate by constantly undermining me or saying that’s not how it is done it just makes me feel like I am not important. I feel like she doesn’t want to be in our marriage and that is mostly my fault. Several years ago I was unhappy with our intimacy and tried to have an affair. I never actually slept with anyone else but was actively seeking female partners. She found out and I stopped but the damage has been done. I am not innocent in any of this nor am I trying to say that I am not. I just can’t help but feel like I matter very little to her or our 4 kids. I have asked about counseling many times but she refuses. I don’t know what to do.

[Daesin]

Are you being treated for the depression? Have you considered going to a counselor yourself? She may have tuned out because she’s overwhelmed. She may not understand. She may be dealing with her own issues. We don’t know. There’s a million variables going on.

It’s very hard to have a partner who is suffering. Whether that suffering is a physical issue or mental health issue it changes the dynamics of the relationship and puts pressure on areas that you never thought about before. If she won’t go to counseling, go yourself. You need to get yourself healthy and stabilized for your kids.

Good luck.

[Genuineguy]

It seems like youre doing your best to put things right but suffer with a guilty conscience. If your wife chose to be with you despite your mistakes that means she wants to work through the problems and put your mistakes behind her too. Of course, this will be easier said than done for her as she may suffer with insecurities now too. But at least you know she has made the decision to do her best for your marriage even if it shows that it is hard for her at times. And at least she knows that you are doing your best too despite how your mistakes have affected your conscience. I know you need love and reassurance, but so does your wife too. Treat her with the loving reassurance that you're looking for from her or at least try to improve on the love you're already showing her. You will find this gives you greater peace of mind. Tell her you love her regularly and make quality time together. Do productive things together and share some joyful times. I know its not easy but that trust will regrow as you work at focusing on making quality time for one another. Also, I am utterly convinced that by making time for emotional intimacy i.e. a nice romantic meal together, taking up hobbies together, quality listening etc, then sexual intimacy will improve too. Treat her with the tenderness you want. It will make her feel more secure and ultimately it will make you feel more secure too.

[Genuineguy]

Also, give your wife lots of genuine complements too. It will help her relax. Try not to take it to heart if shes a little critical at times. Its nothing to do with you brother. No offence to any women out there, but I think many women can be quite particular in what they expect in say for example how they want their home to be. It doesn't reflect you or anything youve done wrong. She would probably be that way with anyonee. Just try take it on the chin. You never know she may relax a little too in time.

[DodgeDhanda]

Communication is the key !!! Believe as I lost my marriage of 16.5 years & I fully accept my part in the breakdown & that was due to my health issues & the fact that I thought I could deal with things myself & I couldn't is the honest answer.

I suggest you write a letter to your wife & express EVERY single thing in there be itgood or hard & ask the question of affairs & if she had 1 or having 1 & ask if she wants out & if she does realise sometimes relationships just come to a natural end & it's also important to realise that ur not a failure it's just the nature of the beast as having a sick husband/wife/partner can put some people off , some will care for the sick person & others don't want to know , again natural course.

Now counselling is off the table then it's not going to ever be an option again. Sorry. Have you talked to ur children about how they feel the home life is for them ?? Do U argue with her in front of the kids ? Also DO NOT stay together for the sake of the kids.

In my case counselling was off the table as she was cheating on me & decide to do that than talk about the marriage & so no way back as the trust was totally lost when she did what she did. You thought & sort of did the same & that's a trust breaker on both sides & how can you love someone you don't trust!!!

I'm sorry it's all looking on the downside but it's the true side of breakdowns of marriages & some can rebound back as both people want to make it work .

The upside if U end up on ur own . U can then work on ur own health & focus on the mental side of things & a simple tip is remain single until U have learned how to take care of ur needs especially ur mental needs as its not fair to another woman if you start something & have a breakdown as it will happen & it does happen BUT U need to learn how to deal with ur own issues & not project them onto others . Yes it can be lonely at times but once ur more understanding of what triggers you or what makes U smile then u can move forward .

In my view if counselling is off the table then it sounds like it's at an end already for her at least & the fact U idiotically thought the grass was greener on the other side shows ur not that invested in it either. We were arguing in front of the kids & staying together just for the kids is the worst reason to stay together !! Kids are resilient & if you decide to go ur own way that you sit those kids down & tell them simply that it's mommy & daddy's fault of the end of marriage & not the kids , they are completely innocent. And it's 100% true.

Only u can change u thus changing ur situation lots of hard work ahead & start now by being HONEST with ur self as its ur life not mine , I'm honest & I always judge a situation by me not others as I'm not in their shoes living their life , I'm living my own life & that shit as it is but I'm not hurting anyone & working totally on me only .

I hope you do take up the suggestion of writing a letter to ur wife & put down all u wish to say or to ask her & explain talking about it wasn't working as U tried . Now I'll warn you of this ANY & I MEAN ANY NEGATIVE RESPONSES FROM HER WILL TELL YOU ITS OVER!!! If she is calm & loving then there is a chance to work at it but don't delude urself.

[Midori]

From a female point of view, I think your wife is 'punishing' you for looking for outside interaction, and by not being responsive to your attempts to go to counselling together.

Yet you say that you were unhappy with your mutual intimacy, would this be after the children, or all along?

If it was after the children, she might have unresolved post partum depression, or she might find intimacy painful, depending on whether her deliveries were natural or Caesarian.

There are many possibilities. Is she a SAHM? or does she work? Do you do a good portion of the house/yard work so she doesn't have to and can relax, being with kids all day can be a nightmare, I only had two, but it was plenty!

Housework and picking up after kids is a fulltime job in itself. Does she do all the shopping on her own? Does she get time to go out with other Moms at all? When did you last have a family vacation? You seem to be thinking about yourself all the time, never her, never a good idea. Important; Do you remember birthdays and anniversaries? Little tokens of appreciation, (nothing Grand), in the subjects which interest her. (I saw this and I thought of you).

I would suggest she undermines you because she feels unhappy herself, and probably feels unappreciated by you. How about instead of getting into gripes about who feels most unappreciated, you start to try to interest her in doing things with you, like a cinema date or bowling, or something where she can stash the kids with a babysitter and be a wife and lover for an evening, instead of just feeling as if she has the weight of the household entirely on her shoulders; if it is, I'm guessing here.

Hope this is of some help,

cheers, Midori

[Blueruth]

You could learn some better ways to communicate. For instance do you say “you are undermining me”? Or do you ask “did you mean to say that”?! “Why did you do that?” Etc. The reality is your feelings are you. We don’t make others feel a certain way unless they let us. If you feel she has undermined you telling “you make me feel…because you are undermining me” is confrontational. But asking questions gets to the real issue. Obviously I’m picking at one thing you said only to make a point. I am not a fly on the wall. We can all be better at communicating though. If she feels like she won’t be accused she may be more willing to go to counseling.

[CoderMom]

I was cheated on by my 2 husbands, horribly. You need to earn back the trust and continue to work on the marriage relationship and show her that you are truly listening to her and care about her and genuinely want to make it work. Counseling for yourself is a good idea also. Getting your own issues handled makes you more appealing to your spouse, I would think.