You can see in my previous posts the hell at home. Everyone is telling me that the only solution is to move out. I'm 21, i have a student accomodation (i wrote about it too) and if it wasn't online classes because of covid, i would be there. The solution seems to be to go back there even though my classes are online. But i don't know whether it's a good desision. I don't want to leave sis alone with mom. Mom wants stuff done and i do it so she won't blow up but sis isn't tamed and coundidioned to be mom's puppy. It took 21 years of trauma so mom could make me her puppy. I'm a puppy, how can i break the chains and run into the wild and be the wolf i was meant to be? So the problems with moving out : 1.who will serve mom? 2.who will take care of sis?.3.i'm scared of living in this new big city with some wild people for roommates. 4.i survive there max 3 weeks and then my sympthoms get too severe and i Come back. By sympthoms i mean dizziness and disregulated nervious system from the new city, agoraphobia, sometimes i'm too agoraphobic to even buy myself food and i starved there hiding in my room, they make parties that drive me crazy. I tried to socialize but nobody seems to like me, nor i like anyone. I just get overwhelmed. People. Music. Alcohol. My head spins. Meanwhile i'm so alone.
First year, before the pandemic and before my trauma i was doing good living there but then i had only my main roommate and a ghost roommate that was either at work or at her room and didn't bother me. But she moved out and now we have an extrovert roommate that plays music loud, talks loud, brings people, People at the parties like her, even my old roommate likes her more. And she says in the big room with the tv. I can't stay all day at my dorm like a prisoner, i want to be in the big room with light and plants and tv for distraction. In my present home i live in the big room with light and tv. I don't even watch it somethimes but it comfort me. Since baby i have always needed the big room with the tv to comfort me or i get nauseus and panicy. It's just some uncounscious counditioning. Since mom yelled at us the last time i didn't eat for days.
So now i Wonder should i and when and how to move out? Do i have to stay to take care of sis? Of mom? Can i adapt? Home is hell and i'm still staying here.
Sis has birthday at 17th, i Wonder whether to go to university city untill then but i'm motionless. I can't think. I really can't think. Probably i don't need to take care of mom and sis and i'm a catalist to conflict with my anxiety. Everything is so messy in my head. But i can't think. I can't Come to answers.
I'm New...And I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me. 
I dont know what I'm doing here.
I don't know what to think
I don't know what to do 
