It's hard, you know, struggling to get through a day, some you wonder if you're going to make it through, often I've asked myself WHY am I struggling to make it to another day that I know is going to be same? WHY am I struggling to get through these painful days? Well, I have my son. 14 years old and knows everything and is right about everything, and I'm mom...I don't know anything at all but I have a sole purpose to ruin his life. Everything in our life.. everything wrong in his life is soley my fault because of my health and just because I'm mom I guess. He is always angry with me and has no problem telling me what a horrible mom I am because we had to move in with my friends for a while and that took us out of the town we did live in, therefore, it took him out of that school district so he wouldn't be attending the same highschool as his friends. I understand that sucks. I did and have been doing everything I can to keep him there. I failed. Mind you, the highschool he wants to go to is extremely huge and chance of him even seeing his friends? Slim to none, in my opinion. He tells me he don't respect me, that was not a shocker...but kind of a slap in the face, all the same.
I have my mom....who was too focused on her own life and broken marriage and doing whatever it took to keep from losing her cheating husband, all in the name of financial security, to know I existed. Stay out of the way, don't make waves, don't fuss, keep your mouth shut and be "my little excuse" for why we would drive around town stalking her opponent. It was no use telling her anything that happened to me, she wouldn't hear me, or give me the time to tell her and my sperm donor was probably right...she wouldn't believe me. Just like present day, because I'm not missing any limbs or deformed or mutated in some fashion, I am fine. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm just lazy and don't want to work. Other than my list of mental health problems going on, because I only just stepped out of the closet and took a little bit of the exhausting mask off and showed pieces of 'me', I have also been diagnosed with brain seizures. It took almost 9 years, so much frustration and 5 neurologist to find it. They are the kind that make me stare off and become unresponsive for a few minutes...time for the fluctuate. Most importantly, I'm 99.9% of the time very confused and disoriented when I come out of them, I won't know where I am or why, I have not known who my best friend was a few times for a bit. And most of that entire day becomes lost time for me. Something that might have only went on for...max 15 or so minutes (they aren't supposed to go really over 30 secs yo a minute, but this is me and I'm not text book. The seizures cause permanent migraine, I've grown tolerant to them to the point it's as if they didn't exist, my objective is to prevent them from what I call exploding. That puts me down for a good easy 3-5 days of pain and sick. I have been prescribed everything under the sun for them, even botox, but because they aren't typical migraines, nothing wirks. Ibuprophen...lits if it. And yes, other things as well, anything I can do ir use or take for even rhe most instant temporary relief from head pain to emotional pain to everything in between, I'm not above doing. My seizures also cause damage to my brain...my memory...my thought process, decision making...logic..all that has been significantly hindered. My seizures are frequent and unpredictable and we haven't found a trigger.According to my mom, I'm lazy. I have worked, like most I'm sure, since I was 14...babysitting, errands..anything to make my own money. Thats always been important to me. Independence and knowing everything I had and I did was because of me. I couldn't rely on anyone else. I completely forgot now or have diminished any reasons I continue this hell journey.
MY HORSE! I can't imagone my life without horses. Both of my mares were rescuesand my 1st girl I got had really gone through it in her early young life, you could tell...so we were a pair. It took a little for us to bond, she instantly adopted my son. Lol Man, she turned out to be one of the most amazing, incredible and coolest living beings I had ever witnessed. And she became not just my best friend, but my soul. Her passing away was devastating to me. That was a whole new physical pain. A year later I found the girl I have in my life now. We bonded within 30 secs of meeting. Something about her was so familiar..I feel my 1st girl with her..like we are together again and she brought my current beautiful best friend i to my life. She makes it worth fighting to get to the next day. She is my calm. She gets me.
Music plays such a very important role in my life. It says what I can not, it makes me feel as if I'm not alone in this. Or at least not the only one struggling like I do. The wars in my head, can be so verbally violent, they could be a good match with the constant voices. The music drowns the voices out 90% of the time, the other 10% of the time is just really hard to deal, sometimes to a point I could possibly be institutionalized.
Back to the music, bands I listen to: five finger death punch, Jelly Roll, Citizen Soldier, Mass of Man, Godsmack, Disturbed, Blue October....just to name a few on my playlist. I have several untitled and unorganized playlists...but I can tell you what's what.If anyone has made it to the end of this long, excruciating babble of nonsense....thank you. Oh and yes, I do have a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Maybe one day, after another 33 years I will find the ability to talk about what happened, or see a reason to. I will say this, that spring break when I was 11...my soul was stolen from me, I lost my father and my question of life and struggles to keep finding reasons to struggle another hellish day, I have tried and I can't just get over it.
I guess I'm just a hot mess. I'm adding 2 pictures. Top picture is my current love, Katie and bottom picture is of my 1st girl, Skinny.
Both were rescues and experienced trauma thenselves. We get eachother.
Happy thanksgiving!!
My story
