Can't take a minute of peace

[Against_the_current]

Firstable i'm hardcore hypervigiliant. Second bad things are happening outside my head too.

Right now mom's talking on the phone and acting weird and i'm scared what is going on. Can't "her friend" shut up? We don't need info. Mom doesn't need communication. I'm scared of gossips. I'm scared someone may tell her about dad. That's how we lost our best family friend. Can't they please not disscuss it? I'm losing it. I'm so scared. I don't even know what they're talking about. Mom is really fake when she talks with people. I'm sensetive and notice it but seriously i don't even know how people don't notice her. Just her voice and her exclamations make me have a panic attack. She's explaining how terrible everything is. Ah, please shut the damn phone, i'm going to pass out. I want to hide mom's phone. I wanted to ban her from social media but i realized she would go insane. Damn "friend" calling mom, mom doesn't want to talk with you, nor she can understand you. She doesn't understand others emotions and is being fake and negative. My face is burning. Please shit the phone. But she would go mad If i tell her not to talk on the phone in order not to trigger me. She's like "i can't even breathe without triggering you". And she's right. But i don't even know when it's hypervigiliance or something bad is happening again.

Meanwhile sis is studying this important thing and i can't help her. My head is lagging.

I'm always hypervigiliant and triggered by everything. I went out, i saw people and i got triggered, one seemed like grandpa, others were talking about how terrible everything is like mom, the bus is scary, everything and everyone is scary. I saw a neighboir and she asked If our Windows are open and i freaked out mom or sis may have jumped out. They weren't but mom was dissapointed i didn't do the task i went out for. And sis needs me and my head is spinning, i'm just paralyzed. I need a moment of peace. Is it too much to ask for? 😭😭😭😭

Damn, now i heard a former coworker is still calling her and he is a neighboir of dad 😭😭😭😭

P. S. I am on meds and in therapy and i'm considering changing my therapist. My family refuses to go to therapy and to understand they're ruining me. I tried to move out but with this hypervigiliance is really hard.

[Mumma_h]

Hey Real_Me, so sorry to hear you’re going through this, you’re going through a LOT at the moment. I know how overwhelming all these feelings can be . It sounds like your hyper vigilance has been sent spiraling because of all these outside things going on. First of all you can’t control what happens with your parents relationship, it isn’t your responsibility to do that. You sound so scared of the consequences of your mum finding out things from other people. Have you been deeply scarred by something in the past that came out ? . And It IS NOT your responsibility to protect everyone, it’s impossible even if you wanted to. But there are steps you can take to to lesson the impact on you . Your mental health is VERY important and so are YOU !! It’s ok to put things in place to protect yourself. Do you like music ? Could you put headphones on and listen to songs that lift you up , make you feel a little less stressed about the situation and you won’t have to listen to your mum on the phone or anything else that triggers you . Do you have any hobbies you are passionate about ? Lose yourself in those things until the stress subsides. It’s horrible to live in fear , I’ve been there and i found it exhausting worrying about every little thing , so I can totally sympathise. It’s ok to just relax a little, none of us can control everything and the things we’re most afraid more often than not never actually happen. I hope you are feeling better soon and the fear subsides. 💕

[Against_the_current in reply to Mumma_h]

Thank you. I try but it comes back. I can't calm down even while doing it. I was doing my hobbies since i wrote it and i still can't calm down. Everything is in perfect timing to scare me. Even If i don't see or hear it, the problem is still there and i can't rest. I just feel worse

[Mumma_h in reply to Against_the_current]

Yeh I get it , trying to distract yourself.... can sometimes make the feelings worse , totally get it !! Good on you for trying though ! Are you on medication, maybe it’s time to talk to dr about changing it or upping the dose . I’m on escitalopram and found it great , sertraline made me way more anxious ( so glad I figured that out ) so it can be trial and error and unfortunately it can take a while . Takes weeks for effects to take place then weeks to taper off them if they aren’t right but sooo worth it . I wouldn’t be without them now , don’t deny yourself of any treatment you can get . I hope you fi d a little peace today and that peace increases day by day 💕

[Mumma_h]

Wish I could’ve too , there’s so much suffering that can be helped . Depression is the worst thing I’ve been through and if I’ve been through a lot in my 47 years . 💕

[Against_the_current]

You're not alone in this