I have no incentive left, petrified when wake up, morning ALWAYS 8/10 pain ratio, I live by myself, epilepsy seizures usually morning...

[Adlon57]

I have had bad health all my life, now age 65, my epilepsy rules my life, had over 400 + seizures, next one officially my last! I could not care less anymore, staying up late in my house, absolute pit, so tired, wanted to go out; pandemic, lack of money, no friends, actually want to go to sleep, maybe have a seizure, will not know anything about it, problem solved! My will to live is getting less each day, boring routine, I have claustrophobia, not a good mixture! I NEED TO GET OUT!!! I am developing dementia, my object for today, same as yesterday, etc, etc. I have been in isolation, had all my jabs [ terrible reaction to AZ vaccine, most of 2021 not very nice, have a rare medical condition that caused the reaction, new vaccine, very rare medical condition, not a good mixture] have high pain threshold, pain killers don't work on me, most of the time I could be 'sick' my body has reached the stage where it does not know the difference? NHS finds I have something, a release for a short time, THEN , back to painful reality! "I am a one off!" so I have been told. so MANY times! [a lab.rat] I could have had covid but my body gives out odd signals, I would not know! I have various specialists, I am tired, so fuc###g tired of being in perpetual pain, just hoping for that final release! peace!

[Shnookie]

Hi this is Shnookie from across the pond. I am so sorry that U R going thru this. Please tell me what U mean by the final release Peace ? I’m here 4 U Hugs 🤗 S

[Adlon57 in reply to Shnookie]

Death! An end to this demeaning existence, I have ambition but in 65 years absolutely nothing, the world in a glass bowl, I can see into it, but ALWAYS restricted by bad health, friends and relatives able to tick off there boxes of ambitions, I look okay? "There's nothing wrong with him!" Seizures set off by stress and anxiety, going for exams, degrees usually paid by own savings, BUT usually set off seizures! Diagnosed dementia and testing for lumps on the prostrate, on the horizon!

[Shnookie in reply to Adlon57]

I know things R hellacious 4 U. But if U want to reach out please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline

800-273-8255. I’m here 4 U

Hugs 🤗 M

[Adlon57 in reply to Shnookie]

No I will have to end my life at my own time, I have come to terms with that, I have been fixing my will, house, etc, I am terminally ill, not exactly a specific date, but so many alternative factors in my present medical condition, I would love to travel go for a long 'holiday', so many places I would like to see, BUT Covid, lack of money, registered disabled, medication, specific medical routine, what NEW medical 'gem' is waiting for me just around the corner [????] (more incentive to commit suicide sooner?). I do not like the area I am living in, living here all my life, certainly not by choice, relatives have known that for forty years(more incentive to commit suicide sooner?) I know that sounds morbid, but I honestly believe a suicide hotline would only complicate matters! Thanks Shnookie anyway!👍

[Adlon57 in reply to Adlon57]

Some positives to be taken from this morbid situation, I will be getting a 'pay rise' in five months via aged 66, a bit of extra money always good to raise my spirits, anxiety and depression ALWAYS the main cause of my seizures! My infamous book is essentially finished, after 13 years, no more grey hairs from that 'thing'🤞, my liver problem I strongly expect is due to some schwannoma's that grew on my prostate gland from 2019, inspection was delayed to Covid situation, simple surgery should solve that situation🤞various tests/scans, etc [some pretty weird?] in November-December 2021 should prove handy in future diagnosis! This however will not deter me from my eventual suicide decision!