Coping with breakup while LIVING TOGETHER?

[lbigs28]

Hi everyone. My partner of 2.5 years (let's call her "Jane," for anonymity) told me that we need to go on a break in our relationship as of November 3, 2021. Up until that sudden break, we had been talking about our shared future together (getting engaged, getting married, and even having a family together), and we even adopted a kitten together in August 2021.

The main reason that Jane cites for needing to go on a break is that she needs to explore and better understand her sexual identity, which I can absolutely respect, but the concept of sexual fluidity was totally new to me, and frankly felt like a threat to our relationship.

During our entire 2.5-year relationship, Jane had never felt comfortable presenting as more than "close friends" in public with me, although we were "out" as a female-female couple to all of the people in MY life. She's admitted that she would never have felt the need to hide our relationship from anyone in her life if I had been a man, which really sucks.

Other than that, she says that she hasn't been dissatisfied with our relationship; that it's a classic case of "It's not you, it's me." Ugh. She also says she needs to explore the possibility of being with a man before she can rule that preference out, which is why she needs to take a break, but after that she would possibly decided to be with me again, if I'll accept it (which I honestly might not now, anyway).

In light of it all, I'm seeking new friends and communities like this one to help me cope with the pain of this breakup, and to prepare for the very real possibility that Jane and I may not get back together.

To make matters worse, she and I still have to live together in an apartment that we're jointly leasing. On top of that, Jane needed to quit her job shortly after we moved in together, and at that point I decided to support her by paying her rent (since she had no other financial support to lean on from her family/friends, and I'm in a fortunate enough position to be that help for her right now). At the time it felt like a no-brainer, because of COURSE I would do that for my life partner, and back then we both felt confident that we had found that in each other. Since going on a break we've both expressed regret about that joint decision...me offering to support her financially, and her accepting it.

Now I feel used, hurt, and stuck in a situation that might have to last all the way until the lease ends in July 2022. Any advice, solidarity, or words of wisdom would be much appreciated...I just don't want to feel so alone in it all anymore.

[Livelydively]

Welcome! Offering support and a listening ear. Sounds like this was very unexpected. I hope that you can focus on yourself and find joy in the little things. Is Jane getting pressure from her family?

[lbigs28 in reply to Livelydively]

Thank you so much Livelydively. 😌 Unfortunately it WAS very unexpected, even for Jane. We both had close friends of ours get engaged and get married, respectively, in the lead-up to Jane needing to go on a break. I know that contributed to her questioning us. I’m working really hard to stay afloat and to keep moving forward, despite the situation. Thankfully Jane hasn’t experienced pressure from her family. They’ve figured out by now that Jane and I were together, presumably, but Jane never officially told them. We live across the country from her family, which also made that easier to avoid on her part, plus the fact that her family isn’t very close or warm or communicative with each other.

[AuntBee]

Sorry, the break up sounds painful. I think it would be best for Jane to move out, the sooner the better. She wont find herself if shes still in the apartment with you. It will only cause more pain, confusion, and mixed messages. Also, you should no longer be supporting her financially from this point. Id like to add, her unwillingness to be a real couple with you in public is a huge red flag. She was actually never in a committed relationship with you. You deserve better. You are wise to recognize that you were being used.

[lbigs28 in reply to AuntBee]

Thank you AuntBee. You’re exactly right. The more distance I take from it all, the more I see things clearly, and that’s just how it is: if she wants “space,” then she can help us BOTH by taking the ultimate “space” and moving out. Your comment is very well put, to that point. In particular the part about her never having been in a committed relationship with me…it’s wild, but that’s exactly right. Staying in during the pandemic perpetuated the issue, too.

Thanks again for your insight. Hugely helpful to get your take!

[Midori]

I can understand those feelings; It seems very odd when you have been living together as a couple. If you both have talked of committing to each other, she may be getting cold feet. naturally you feel hurt and used, even betrayed

It could be she has met someone (possibly male), and she feels an attraction that she wants to explore. It is also possible that she isn't entirely sure of her sexuality yet.

As she is not paying into your joint finances, You could ask her to leave until she decides what she wants to do, You shouldn't be used as her lifeboat if she is not committed to you. You could get in a temporary lodger until the end of your lease. Are both your names on the lease?

There is also the question of furnishings, will she want to take them if she goes.

You haven't mentioned your ages, but it could have a bearing on things. Biological clocks ticking, maybe.

It does seem rather unkind of her, but I'm rather at a loss to know your best course here.

Cheers, Midori

[lbigs28 in reply to Midori]

Thanks so much for your thoughts, Midori. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is odd! Very clearly a case of cold feet, yes.I’ve asked her to be very transparent with me about if and when she starts to have feelings for someone else, because I will need her to move at that point (at the latest) and refuse to pay for her to live with me AND do that to me.

We’re rather young, in the scheme of things. She’s 25 and I’m 28. From the sound of it, her identity is definitely still in flux, so it could be a genuine issue for her. I’d like to think so.

Unfortunately our names are both on the lease. Given that she has no family financial support, and in fact has been paying what little she earns toward her family’s existing debts, right now it’s either she finds a job very soon and gets a new place (which we both hope will be the case) or she’s homeless. As someone who was in a position to help my then-significant other stay afloat through her job search, I felt really angry when she needed to stop being my partner, but despite how angry I am I can’t bring myself to force someone I’ve so recently been in love with to be homeless right now. It’s awful.

We haven’t made it to the conversations about who gets what yet, but given the ratio of who’s GIVING right now to who’s TAKING, I will feel very confident claiming all of the things that I need to take from this situation. Much as it will hurt to take those things from her.

Thanks again for your thoughts! It makes me feel way less alone to hear from people. ❤️

[The_Color_Blue]

I am so sorry you're in this situation. I can hear the pain and frustration in your words. From the sounds of it, Jane never treated you with the respect and value you deserve. You deserve to have someone who is so proud to be with you that they want to shout it from the rooftops. It seems markedly inconsistent that even when Jane had expressed her sentiments at finding you and wanting a life with you, she was still reluctant to tell anyone. That's atypical of people who have finally found a life partner. There are many likely explanations for Jane's behavior, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with you. However, it seems you've been trampled in the process of her "finding herself." The reality is that her reasons for mistreating you don't matter. We have complete control over the way we treat other people, and even if she's experiencing an identity crisis, that does not give her the right to disrespect you. I'm sorry for what you're doing through. I understand how painful it can be.

I highly recommend breaking your lease. It may take you a few months to save up enough to do it (there is often a penalty fee), and it may require that you spend a month or three staying with friends or family in order to save up for the security deposit on another flat/house/apartment, but I think the costs to your health and wellbeing are far greater than the finances.

You cannot heal or move forward while you are continuing to endure trauma and mistreatment. Staying in that environment (that shared space) would mean you're reducing to surviving it. That's not "living" - and it will take a profound toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing (... to say nothing of the physical manifestations of that stress). I truly believe the ONLY option for a healthy exit - and the one that has the greatest potential for salvaging any kind of positivity between you and Jane - is to leave that location, break the lease, and begin the healing journey of moving forward. It's not your job to support someone else, nor keep yourself in a toxic environment because of the choices they made. Your job is to preserve your own mental and physical wellbeing. If she truly loves and cares about you, she'll understand and respect that.

[lbigs28 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

Wow, YES to all of this, and thank you so much for your take on the situation! The more I’ve spoken with friends and family about it, the more I’ve come to these conclusions, too. What’s happening is not fair to me, and I need to take control and separate us even more despite how much it hurts right now. I know you’re right, and that the pain will make way to much better, healthier things. Huge air hugs and thank you so much for your help.

[The_Color_Blue in reply to lbigs28]

I'm happy to hear you have family and friends to remind you to prioritize your own health and wellbeing. I'm glad you have a support system and a voice outside your ear telling you that you're incredible and valuable and you deserve to have someone recognize those things in you. I'm sorry that this will be a difficult process, but grateful to hear that you understand there is life on the other side of this pain; a life with profound happiness, connection, and fulfillment; a life with someone who is so grateful and proud to have you in their life, they cannot wait to brag about you behind your back. This moment of pain will pass... and until it does... this community is here for you.

[lbigs28 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

I’m already so overwhelmed by / grateful for the support I’ve found here. It’s amazing. You guys have put words to so much of what I’ve needed to figure out how to say. Once I’m recovered and through the worst of this, I look forward to reciprocating by offering help like this to other people in this community too. 🤗