I’ve recently been living alone for the first time ever, aged 47. I have longstanding anxiety, depression, & adhd. Sleeps often been problematic because I’ve needed to keep my ear out for mum - I cared for her until recently when she’s gone into a care home.
I’ve had radio on (the sleepier channels), used meditation & relaxation apps during the day and evening.
This evening I’ve done a bit of light gardening, & during the days I’ve made sure I’ve gone out somewhere every day. I have various hobbies to do at home, to tire me out mentally.
The difficulty is nights. I feel the loneliness worse, struggle to distract my mind and sleep. I’m not obsessively focussing on sleep (- pointless).
Please please I’m begging for ideas to help me cope, especially with evenings & nights. I’m struggling massively with the change - last week I had crisis team supporting me as I was suicidal. Please can others give me ideas how to cope effectively with change and (particularly) sleep.
Thanks.
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Bagpuss21
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Could you take a nice hot bath with some salts that help make you sleepy? There is also some sleepy time teas that are pretty wonderful. Yoga nidra might also be helpful. I hope you find something that brings you comfort.
I’ve got a wet room, no bath. Sometimes I have a shower using nice smellies.
I'm sorry to read that you're having a difficult time right now. I find evenings and nights to be a challenge myself.
I try to pass the time by reading, or working on my scale models (time really flies that way!),
Early evening I generally get my dinner prepped and eaten. I like to sit on my deck and listen to the night creep in as the "Day Light" forest creatures settle in and the night creatures start to take their place. I enjoy the varied programing on YouTube. Something for everyone there. Netflix and Amazon have some good offerings.
As for getting to sleep "Night Time" herbal tea blends help. I've also set up a Pre-Bedtime routine. I t get me in the wind down mode for sleeping..
Hi. It’s shnookie. Sorry 😐 U R struggling at night. I know what it means to care for an ailin parent. Since my father died in late 1997,l lived with my mom in a one bedroomapartment in the Los Angeles area was n Beverly Hills. My mom was diagnosed with
Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer. I was her sole caregiver, stood with her during the hospital stays. She passed
That’s a terribly heartbreaking loss for you! It’s undoubtedly been a hard journey you’ve been on. Your mum was so blessed to have you. You were there right by her side when she needed you most. Although it’s been mentally and physically draining on you it was such a precious time! You got to spend time with her and make some new memories. I bet you wouldn’t change any of that to be your mum’s tower of strength! You’re amazing! I too nursed my mum at home for five years. Mum had Vascular Dementia. I eventually had to place mum in a nursing home as I could no longer keep her safe! It absolutely broke my heart but it was what was best for mum at that time. Mum had a suspended sore knee and couldn’t stand. She was taken into hospital where she had two huge seizures. They told me then that she wouldn’t survive! Her COVID Test done in hospital came back negative. That being her result I brought her home to be with my daughter and myself and die surrounded with love. My family travelled to see her and spend her final days with her. Mum knew she was home and was delighted! It was beyond heartbreaking but I wouldn’t change that time for anything. Mum and I lived together all my life which was 55 years. I lived with her and then bought a house and she moved in with me 😂. It’s her birthday on Friday so I’m travelling up to the cemetery in Forres where she’s buried to spend some time with her and lay flowers for her. It’s the first time since last October that I’ve been able to go to visit her grave. This was due to Glasgow in Scotland being on a severe lockdown for 10 months due to COVID restrictions! I’m pleased to be travelling up to visit but I’m so very stressed and filled with dread! It’s my birthday on the 21st of July which I’m dreading as it was on my birthday last year they told me she was dying. Then it’s the first anniversary of her death on the 31st of July! So my firsts coming up and you’ll sadly know all about that and exactly how I’m feeling with the loss of your own precious mum! It just hurts so much doesn’t it? I hope you’re okay my darling? Sending you the biggest of hugs and love 💔😘xx
U have have my greatest respect. After my beloved mom passed away in January 2016, I found a job as a caregiver. Almost all of my clients were in various stages of dementia. I know how challenging this can be. In fact, tho I have a part-time job during the week, I have returned to be a caregiver for an old client of mine with dementia for 2 4 hour shifts. I initially worked for for two and a half years. I’ve become close to not only her and her husband and other family members and friends of the family as well. My mom was my best friend and atowards the end of her life, she gave me her blessing to go on with my life. It was truly a loving gesture. Enjoy 😉 the rest of your week. Hugs 🤗Shnookie
Hi it’s Shnookie. U R so right about dogs. Unfortunately, I don’t have one now. When I stood with my mom at the hospital during one of her stays when she had cancer, I requested to see a therapy dog. It was so comforting to me.
I will be there in October-son moving out- so I'm also looking for tips!
Awwww my darling that’s such a devastating transition you’re having to make! Through the night everything feels much worse! Scenarios going round in your mind all night long! You’re amazing person giving all that love, care and attention for so long you’ve none left for yourself. I’m heartbroken for you as I feel your pain. I try to go on brisk walks. I try to unwind in the evening by hot shower using a “Sleepy” shower gel from The Body Shop. I also use their lavender body lotion at night. I use a lavender pillow spray and lavender and camomile potpourri in my bedroom. It’s just so very difficult to unwind and sleep some nights and I’ve just had to learn to live with it. Sometimes I just go to bed really early at night when I’m super tired. I’d rather grab a few hours of quality deep sleep rather than tossing and turning all night I just get up. I hope you get some good ideas from people. Sending you hugs and love 🙏🏻🍀❤️😘xx
I agree with all posts. Especially, those suggesting getting a pet. I have a cat but know that dogs are just love animals. I'm just too lazy to have a dog and have always have had cats. You have to choose the right cat for you though ... a warm, fuzzy, loves to sit on your lap, be by your side Cat. Just taking care of an animal may give you a purpose you might not feel right now. Thanks for your post. Keep going and don't give up.
Bagpuss21: What about a goldfish or a turtle? You'd still be caring for a pet. Don't think they'd cost much to buy, own, and take care of but not sure since I've never had either. Sometimes I just hug my pillow and get the same good feeling. Just keep don't give up.
I find GABA is a great help - if you aren't on medication - it helps you sleep with no side effect the next day , you can buy it online I take a 500mg capsule pef evening , it will send you off to sleep which will help you come to terms with your new circumstances
I was 35. I was scared and lonely. But it was the greatest experience of my life. I really got to know myself. I know that might sound cheesy but it's very important in life and relationships. You learn what you want, what you like and what you aren't willing to put up with and so much more.
This is a fantastic opportunity for you! I'm almost jealous because it was transformative for me and I've never experienced anything like that ever. ***The negative emotions fade as you lean into the freedom***. You get to make every choice now from what's for dinner to how decorate who to hang out with etc.
You won't be alone forever. Only
until you don't want to be alone anymore. And you may find out, as I did, that you don't want to be with anybody for a very long time. I started entertaining serious relationships after 7 years of "finding myself". I made lots of friends and practiced my hobbies a lot.
As for sleep, I take mirtazapine and clonazepam because I have a serious insomnia problem (or addicted to meds). But when those don't work well I do this military trick that is very simple and sounds ridiculous but works for me.
Every time your mind goes off when you're trying to sleep just keep repeating to yourself "don't think". Every time you become aware of your mind trying to get your attention repeat "don't think". Make your mind blank. Imagine that you're dreaming (I added the dreaming part).
It take a long time and a lot of repetition in the beginning but it gets easier.
Coincidentally, last night I fell asleep and forgot my medications. Usually I'd be tossing and turning until it dawned on me I forgot my meds. Last night I put myself back to sleep 4 times. I only saw my meds on my nightstand the next morning.
All the best to you
Do you not have siblings or friends that you can arrange visits with? I too, am lonely due to my reclusive behavior from my social phobia and depression. I have read about co-housing communities and how each member would have their own house, condo or apartment flat while sharing a large kitchen, dining and living room in a community building along with a vegetable garden that the community all pitches in to grow and harvest for community healthy meals. Sort of like living in a big family. Their needs to be more places, such as these, that accept lonely people and people that need help dealing with anxieties, such as, social anxiety disorder. Both my parents and older sister had passed away several years ago. I had lost contact with my brothers and remaining sister and had quit my last job and retired early due to my escalating anxiety at work. I now live out of a small motorhome and stay at one of my campground memberships campgrounds while I travel about. Some might think this is wonderful way to retire, but, not with social anxiety disorder that keeps me from greeting my neighbors. I've turned into a traveling hermit. I want to encourage you to get in touch with any members of your family or friends and go do something together.
I have a brother (-hard to get on with) & a sister in law - she’s fantastic. I’ve been cut off from so many activities & groups bc of laws changing for c-19.
The good news is, that many countries are now opening up. You sound like, that you can use a good friend right now. Someone to pal around with and take in evening picture shows after dinners. A good friend can do wonders for loneliness. I had been close to my Mother too. When she had passed, God rest her soul, I'd felt that a part of my heart had been torn out. I was glad that she finally got to vist England, where her all her ansisters are from. My Father's ansistery is from Ireland. I have a picture of them on a rented motorboat on one of the old canals in the English countryside. I just know how much she had enjoyed that. She had collected pictures of the English countyside and put them in one of her many scrapbooks and had watched many shows on the BBC. I hope that you either. hookup with your sister in law and go out and do fun things or, meet a good friend that you can share laughs and fun things to do.
Hi sorry to hear about your troubles. I have issues with sleeping but have found that soothing sounds like rain on a window or other familiar sounds can help. You get them on you tube and can last 3 to 8 hours .
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