i havent posted on here in a long while now but i find myself still stuck in a rut. the title speaks for itself but i was wondering if anyone had some advice for me. ive been in therapy for years and im medicated as well but i still feel like im never truly getting any better. am i honestly supposed to do all of that rubbish like gratitude journalling, meditation/mindfulness, using art as an outlet, etcetera?????? i feel like ive tried everything at this point and nothing has improved my quality of life. im 21 and i feel even more lost than ive ever been and feel an increasingly heavy weight that im wasting my youth. ive switched my major at university and im quite good at it but i cant keep up with my coursework and all of the sudden my family is financially unable to help me pay for uni so im literally fucked for next term. it’s becoming clear to me that im going to have to drop out and then what am i supposed to do?? sorry that’s kind of unrelated but i want to get better and be able to handle hardships but it’s becoming harder and harder to “fake it till i make it”. i feel like i have nowhere else to turn im considering going to a psychic to see if ive been hexed to be so unhappy for the rest of my life. i also want to get better because i feel like my boyfriend is going to fall out of love with me if i continue to become more ill. anyways if anyone has any advice im all ears bc im so sick of distracting myself and avoiding getting better. i just cant find the motivation to put effort into helping myself and if i dont find a solution… im worried what i will do to myself. if you read this, thanks.
xx,
lottie
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cloudy-lottie
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also not sure if i really need to mention this but i have a lot of trauma from growing up with a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic father during my teenage years and me mum is a teahead like genuinely addicted to using marijuana to avoid her problems in a rather unhealthy way. my brother (23) is very successful despite growing up this way and i cant understand how he’s fine but im not.
thank you so much for responding. my boyfriend and most of my friends are neurotypical and cant relate to what ive been through n i feel so alone. my bf loves taking care of me but i dont want to take advantage of that bc recently i keep feeling like i am… it’s so hard to treat someone else well when i cant treat myself well. we’ve been together for 2 years now and ive never been this down with him but it’s been months of me being so dependent bc i feel like i have no one else aside from him. anyways, i just appreciate the reminder that i am, in fact, not alone.
The extent to which you can “heal” depends, in part, on what’s wrong. Do you have a firm diagnosis? Who diagnosed you (a counselor, a psychiatrist, your family doctor)? Have you sought a second opinion to confirm that diagnosis? These questions are rhetorical in this forum, but they should be things that you’re asking yourself.
The purpose of a therapist is to work themselves out of job. They should be teaching you techniques that empower you to become self sufficient. However, not all therapists are created equal. In addition, there are many types of therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT, psychoanalytic therapy, etc.). There are also therapists who specialize in certain techniques (EMDR, for example). Relative to the therapist, there could be a variety of explanations for your perceived lack of healing: You could have a shit therapist. Or your therapist has taken you as far as they can and now you need a new one to handle the next phase of healing. Alternately, it’s possible you’re not responsive to the type of therapy your current therapist is offering and you need someone with expertise in a different type/technique.
You said you’re also on medication. Who put you on that medication? If it wasn’t a psychiatrist, it may be beneficial to see one and figure out a different medication regime - perhaps one that will be more effective for you.
The biggest question, however, is: What work are you doing outside the therapist’s office? Neither medication nor sitting in a therapist’s office will heal you. Medication for generalized depression and anxiety are intended to be temporary (once again, this emphasizes the importance of knowing your diagnosis).
In broad strokes, childhood trauma disrupts our neurochemistry, altering the chemical and hormone levels in our brain (and our receptivity to those chemicals/hormones. In addition, it creates a set of default neural pathways that structure our thoughts and feelings. These pathways differ from neurotypical individuals. The differences predispose us to our anxiety, tendencies to look for the worst in situations, codependency, attachment disorders, etc. It is possible that on top of those neurological differences, you may also have PTSD or CPTSD - which adds another layer of challenges to your recovery.
The purpose and technique of therapy should be determined by your diagnosis. However (and once again, generally speaking), the point of therapy is to uncover issues, process the feelings associated with them, and find coping mechanisms that allow us to retrain our brain. This means that the bulk of the work we do to heal ourselves happens outside the therapist’s office. It’s in the moments we stop our negative talk and consciously redirect it to something positive. It’s in the time spent in the mirror or in meditation repeating positive affirmations. It’s the moment to moment interruption of our negative, self-defeating thoughts and unhealthy behaviors - and the choice to think and behave in a way that is consistent with the person we want to be. It’s second to second, minute to minute, day by day. That’s the hard work; the real work - to commit yourself to acting in a way that you don’t yet feel or believe; but one that you nevertheless know is right and healthy.
Before you eschew so many approaches, know they aren’t “new age hippie crap.” There is a neuroscientific basis behind asking patients to do this. Specifically, if you think of something that makes you happy, you actually change your brain chemistry. When you disrupt those default negative pathways, you force your brain to chart a new, positive course. This alters the chemicals in your brain (releasing more “feel good” chemicals) and creates new paths for healthy feelings and beliefs. In this way, we can think of our brain as a muscle. Whatever we do most often gets stronger. If we are consistently berating ourselves, reiterating that we are less worthy, less intelligent, less attractive, less capable - then those thoughts (and neural pathways) become stronger. If we are consistently telling ourselves that we are valuable, bright, worthy, powerful, confident, and beautiful - then those pathways become stronger. This is where the “gratitude journal” comes in (though in my opinion, it’s a misnomer to reference it in this way). It isn’t about gratitude at all (in that most of us define that word as being thankful). Instead it’s about pleasure. What memories or thoughts bring you happiness/pleasure? Those are the thoughts that release the right chemicals and start to restructure our brain.
As someone living with depression and anxiety, you’re largely responsible for healing yourself (under the guidance of meds and therapy). That means interrupting literally EVERY negative loop that runs through your head. Because it took you years to develop the unhealthy pathways, it will likely take years to unlearn them and replace them with healthy behaviors. Granted, it will get easier over time, but it does take time. And quite honestly, you’ll never reach a point at which you miraculously feel “healed.” Your journey is never going to end. It will have periods of smooth sailing and times of challenge, but you will always be a work in progress; learning new things, getting to know yourself better, understanding your triggers, etc.
You’re so young. Technically, your brain is still developing. There is general consensus within scientific literature published after 2013 that adolescence lasts until age 24 (roughly). We don’t fully develop impulse control until 25, and that’s just one example. This is a blessing and curse for you. On the one hand, it means it will be easier for you to create those healthy neural pathways and unlearn the others. On the other hand, so much is changing within you that making connections can be more difficult - so there’s a lot of progress to be made, but you have your work cut out for you.
In my opinion, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to research trauma, anxiety, and depression in order to understand how they effect us. Only in fully understanding the problem can we feel that we have some control over our own healing. Ask questions. Read articles. Talk to your doctors. Seek other doctors. Be a fierce advocate for yourself. With determination and hard work, I’m betting you have everything it takes to become the person you want to be - that incredible person within you that you were always meant to be.
What things do you do to distract yourself? You didn't mention anything. Art? crafts? Dance? music? walking the dog? There are plenty of things to do if you look.
To a great extent, the ball will be in your court with regards to getting better; it isn't just a case of taking the tablets and waiting for it all to go away. It doesn't without you putting in the work.
You may feel these things like meditation or journaling are rubbish, but they really do help, by distracting you, if nothing else. Journaling in particular is something you can look back on and see how far you have come, whenever you have a setback.
You are 21; do you have a job to get some money? You are an adult, there is no need to live at home with family, What does your Bf think? Do you get out and do things together? Do you have a common interest? Be a little careful, being around a deeply depressed person can bring your friends down too, so try for their sake to find an interest.
I learned the hard way years ago attitude is everything. There is a quote by Thomas Eddison;
- "Success is 90% Attitude and 10% Knowledge." - It is so true, depending on our attitude it will result in what kind of day, life we will live. - We have the choice every day of how we will live it. We can choose to be positive, have faith, hope, forgive, find joy, love, find peace...in the day or we can choose to have a negative vibe and let the world weigh us down day after day. (A little side note; I too am a victim of abuse and rape). - My choice is to live the best life that I can no matter what storms of life may bring my way.
I hope that you do not mind me praying for you.
Dear Lord Jesus,
I lift up this circumstance that is weighing them down and help bring something positive into their life. You know the problem. Heal and help them find peace in the middle of this storm.
To be honest, in my opinion, you should just need to see/find a new therapist. It seems like your therapist isn't really helpful for you. It mostly happened in such cases and also depends on the causes. but it you are having episodes of anxiety/depression CBT ezcareclinic.com/depression... is the best solution for you sometimes it is combined with medication for better results. I had almost the same condition as you a half year back and I did try different strategies but only CBT worked well for me. And I took my therapy sessions from medvidi. This is all I have to share with you. I HOPE YOU MIGHT FIND IT HELPFUL.
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