Today I had a realization that’s really sad. I knew I always felt dishonest because of hiding behind my public self kind of like an instagram version of me I’ve been portraying since the 80’s. Because of this I only have 2 people I can talk to, my husband or my shrink. I’m so sick of my issues being a part of our marriage that I could scream! But because of my years of self loathing and shame I have no good friends. How can you when these thick layers of depression, defeat, hurt and pain are so far below the surface of my public self. I’ve never let anyone close so now I realize I’ve spent my life in isolation. I would love to have a friend that knows my ugly truth but at 51 how do I do that? Anyone else gone through this? How do you break this cycle?
Breaking cycles: Today I had a... - Anxiety and Depre...
Breaking cycles
I would be a bit similar. Only my husband knows my deepest issues, even then not all. I find I am doing better since I joined a local support group. It's easier to open up to people who have similar issues, l find.
Although I've had intimate friends, after this long clinical depression and being older, its a struggle coming back out. I too hid behind a competent facade, one with little needs. Maybe someone can advise me too...
You and me both! Now that my kids are adults and I’m attempting normalcy it would be nice to have someone to call up for drinks or talk to. Hopefully someone has ideas for us😀
I didn't have the competent facade either. I seem to appear awkward in public. I also joined a Creative Writing group who meet fortnightly. Both the Support group and the Creative Writing group are still on Zoom. I have yet to meet these people in person.
I struggle to dream up a piece for the Creative Writing. Have one Thursday, nothing written yet . I suppose it's a challenge. I don't know what countries any of you are from, so l wouldn't know what is available to you all, I am from Ireland.
U.S.. there are plenty of classes to take. Social groups as I've said before on here, cant figure out what do say when last3 plus years in isolation. I can imagine talk about holidays coming up, travel plans and families discussed and I saying I'm spending the season waiting for meds to kick in! Oh yes and last summer I had plenty of suicidal thoughts. And the last year, God knows how many meds and doses I've been through. And before that my house was on fire....ok maybe thats not true. But you get it. I'm no good with creative writing to be making a suggestion but maybe fictionalize something from your life experiences. Good luck☺
Sounds like you might find groups a trigger so. Yet one of the ones I'm on mostly deals with self-care. Two are single retired gentlemen, one of whom cares for his elderly mother. Deals a bit with issues around food and exercise. It's not an awful lot different to this site, as it's mental health centred.
Zoom takes a bit of effort and tolerance though.
Have done a few personal story pieces. Find them easy.
I hope you are feeling considerably better now. You seem to have had a rough time recently.
.. Ditto for me. This is the first place I found that there is no fee. I reconnected with a close friend who at least understands what I am going through.. Everyone here so far is awesome 💋.I feel like sometimes, I had burst of energy I feel great and some days I feel down for no reason I was never diagnosed with anything. My grandmother had issues but no one really discussed it. My mom does also I think it's genetic. She tries to be understanding but sometimes says just get over it
I normally have dysthymia which is milder depression. I had good days and some down ones, which were irritable,but livable. Moody is the official name, lol. I say this only to say just getting over things never works. Meditation might help. Breathing etc.
For me the arts help.. Dance, music and singing. So much stopped in the pandemic. No more Kareoke with my friends.. Live music etc.. I go to work and go places but with my mask on. Except for restaurants and I'm separate from people besides the person I am with.
It would be hard without those things. Under pandemic everyone is moody. Its a horrible stress.
I took dance when I was a child.. It has been my outlet in great times and bad.. I always looked for healthy alternatives.. At least my friends are really understanding and most of my family. I remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect and I have people in my circle who love me as, I am.
Sounds like you really don't have much of a problem. How great!
Except for the fact that I am not getting understanding where I need it the most. Or at least not be made to feel less than from a parent
You know, I didn't realize you were on the younger side. Moody is normal my dear, as we find our way. Parents can be oblivious to our needs due to many misunderstandings. Or they are preoccupied. Take care of yourself first. You're doing your best.
I have been a dancer too. When little I did ballet, in my teens, it was ballroom; But I couldn't fit it in with Nursing training, so I had to give it up and lost my partner. In my 50's I started Bellydance, to try to keep my fitness. Can't do it now, all I can do is shout at the Judges when Strictly Come Dancing is on!😆
Cheers, Midori
Morning, Me too I’m 50 I have no friends spent my whole life in isolation. I have a husband and try to speak to him but I know he struggles with what I say bless him.
I’ve just finished counselling but have a long way to go. I really struggle making friends I don’t know what to say.
how long were you in counseling? I know its going to take me a bit of time to get out there. I just hate the thought of how much money goes towards therapy. I'd be a millionaire if I had all the money I spent on useless treatment.
16 weeks it helped me sort out the mess in my head. I still have a long way to go and I can self refer myself whenever I like although there is a waiting list. Luckily as it’s the UK NHS I don’t have to pay. If I hadn’t got help …..
lucky you. Good to hear you have access to more if you need it.
I’m currently in counseling. Trying to come out the other side and discover who my authentic self really is. Perhaps I need an empty nester moms group to join and stick to my new agenda in coming to terms with discovering me.
So you hide behind a facade; can I ask why, please? What are your fears of being You?
I used to be like that, but no longer. With me it's What you see is what you get, warts and all!
I decided some time ago, that I was going to be the full, unvarnished Me; I was sick of pretending to be someone or something I'm not. That puts a great strain on a person.
It was a little scary at first, I will admit, but I'm an obstinate old bat. I just decided I was Me and anyone who didn't like it didn't matter.
I wear clothes that are comfortable, usually jeans and teeshirts, usually with funny slogans on. The one I'm wearing today says 'I don't know how to act my age; I've never been this age before!' Loads more where that one came from!
By the way, I'm not young, I'm 73! 
Cheers, Midori.
It started as taught behavior by the man that sexually abused me as a child. Then as I grew to understand how horrible and shameful what had occurred I perfected a public persona of perfect home, family, life. Other than my spouse no one has any idea and I’m 51. Luckily my marriage and kids have mostly been good but if it had not I would have covered that up and never let on to my coworker friends. Never admit to anything negative or struggling because that would have been like a big admission of guilt and failure.
I see, but you are not in any way to blame, he is.
There is no failure; you were a child, and he normalised his abuse of you. That is monstrous behaviour on his part. There should be no feelings of shame on your part, you were cruelly taken advantage of.
Do you have a counsellor or Therapist? Anyone who could help you see you did no wrong?
I'm so glad you have a spouse who understands; the alternative is too horrible to contemplate.
It is hard to let go feelings like yours, but I hope you can eventually and become happier.
Sorry If i came across as rough on you; I was trying to understand.
Cheers, Midori
You weren’t being rough at all. I’m with a new therapist and supposed to be starting the hard work. Intellectually I understand I’m not at fault however I still need to get my emotional side convinced.
xxHi. I would get talking a lot to people on here to build up your confidence in engaging with people and building up friendships here. That will give you the confidence to join groups/ classes in your area to meet people face to face and build up friendships there aswell. Also, over-analysing is a bad thing we all do. I got an Olympic goal medal for that, but recently threw it in the bin as it didn't suit my clothing wearin it!!!
Stop having a public self. People love people who need them for support. You will have more true friends if you open yourself up to them. Volunteering results in meeting new great , kind and caring people you can be YOURSELF around. Find a QUIET place and think about this and think about all the great things about yourself and your place in life tight now. I’m always trying to please everyone and fix everything in an attempt to be more liked and accepted, but deep down I know that is wrong and I work on changing that. Maybe a few visits to a counselor would be helpful to get a diff perspective, or find books addressing self esteem and personal acceptance. It helps me, but not as much as the quiet place/time.Thinking of you.
I’m happy my hubby is my best friend too but not my only true friend. It would be nice to have someone else to trash talk him when he is on my last nerve🤣 Or just a girlfriend that would share an interest with me and could do an art class. I’m sick of existing in my fake bubble. I will look at our church’s women’s groups though I think they are all on hold currently. Thanks much!
My son (carer) and I trash talk each other all the time. It gets us through! For instance, we were with a group in a pub one night and something happened, he called me 'Bitch', so I turned around and said 'Yes, Son?' and everyone fell about laughing!
Cheers, Midori
It can be very hard to make new friends but first you need to accept yourself. You are a person worthy of having friends and love. Try a new hobby, open yourself up to being vulnerable and I know you will make friends. I make friends by doing volunteer work. I moved to a new city and didn't know anyone, but through volunteering I have made a network of people!
That is amazing! I would be happy with one or two. A network sounds like a dream! I’m afraid my real self is a bit awkward. Have you ever watched “Big Bang Theory”? That’s how I feel in my own skin, more like Amy😀
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