Self Inflicted Crisis is Causing Severe Anxiety and Possible Depression

[MoldyPenny]

Hello, I'm new here. This is my first experience with using an online support group, or a support group at all really.

To preface this, I have seen a therapist and it has been determined that I suffer from anxiety & catastrophic thoughts.

The last year and a half have been a whirlwind for me. I was laid off due to COVID at the beginning of 2020, my boyfriend lost his job that June & was unemployed for the better part of the year, I lost my job in May of this year & have been unemployed since then. It's been crazy, stressful, and the reason I sought out therapy in the first place. I did recently accept a job offer at a really good job in a different field, so I'm hoping that financial stress and anxiety is mostly behind me.

The last month has been the worst. I've been dealing with my anxiety mostly caused by the unemployment & uncertainty of the future, I think I may also be depressed however I haven't been told that by my therapist so I'm not entirely sure. We've also had his birthday, and two weddings in the last 3 weeks, and have been travelling as well. Needless to say, it's been hectic and not at all conducive to my healing.

It reached a climax last night at the end of the last wedding of the year, coincidentally also the wedding that my boyfriend was standing up in. I have mild social anxiety, I can function normally in social settings most of the time however I will not initiate conversation, and I didn't know anyone that was going to be there. I've been anxious about this day for several months, the thought of walking into the ceremony on my own & sitting at the dinner table on my own because my boyfriend was in the wedding party was too much for me to process. The day came, and I went through the motions & got through it mostly. Not well, but I didn't have an attack & I think I managed it as well as I could. We got to the dance, I had several drinks & finally let loose & had a good time, mainly because I had him with me again & I was progressively getting more drunk.

All was fine, until after the reception. We went to walk back to our hotel room & I realized I had lost my phone. In the moment I was mad at him because I had thought I had asked him to hold it, however I've since realized that I never asked him to keep my phone & I just left it in the bathroom at the venue. He tried to help me, offer suggestions that we would get up in the morning & call the venue to see if it's there, overall trying to calm me down, but due to the alcohol I was not using my rational brain & the anxiety took over. I started spiraling, I thought it was gone forever, I didn't know how I was going to start this job if they don't have a way to contact me, I was angry because I thought he had lost it, and I felt like he didn't care. I know now that he did care, he just wasn't getting animated with me because there was nothing to get so upset over.

We walked back to the hotel, and it only got worse from there. He changed and went to bed, and I perceived that to be him not acknowledging that I was going through a crisis. We got into a huge argument, I don't wanna share all of the details, and I ended up leaving. This morning, he broke up with me and I completely understand why. I'm devastated.

We've since spoken, and the future is very uncertain. He's staying in our apartment tonight, I wanted to give him some space to heal from everything, and I'm going back tomorrow. At the moment, we're both going to continue living there because it's mutually beneficial. I'm seeking help in about 500 places, I have emails out to my therapist to schedule an appointment, as well as a group therapy to help manage my anger issues. I also plan to discuss with my therapist whether AA might be beneficial for me, while I don't think I have a problem with drinking, I do definitely have a problem controlling myself when I drink. I will also be scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as I start my job & will be discussing possible medications to help with my treatment. He's understandably very hesitant to give me another chance, because we've gone through this before where we fight & I promise to seek help, and I do for a couple weeks & then for whatever reason I stop. This time feels different for me, I left a city in the middle of the night because I just wanted to be home, I voluntarily left our apartment where normally he's the one to leave, and I truly feel like I've hit rock bottom.

I'm doing a little better than I was earlier, it feels like there might be a possibility of mending this relationship & moving forward so I have a little bit of hope. However, I cannot stop over thinking everything, and orchestrating different scenarios in my head that are all very negative. I'm worried that he's going to leave of course, because of that I'm worried that my social anxiety will prevent me from forming relationships past this, so I'm worried that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't have siblings, I don't have any meaningful friendships because I over think myself right out of making good friends, so I don't really have anyone to go to & talk to other than my mom. I'm also worried about seeing a psychiatrist & getting an official diagnoses & starting medications. I know I have anxiety, but I've never been officially diagnosed with anything. What if this is more than anxiety? How will I react to starting mood stabilizing medications? Will I lose everything about my personality that makes me who I am? What if it doesn't work? What if I'm just destined to be anxious and angry for the rest of my life? I literally can't make it stop.

Thank you for letting me vent, I needed a safe place to let this all out and organize my thoughts a little bit.

[notanotter]

Hi MP,I’m sorry you’re going through all this stress and fear and now having painful relationship problems.

You acknowledge that you tend towards catastrophic thinking, but do you have techniques to stop your thoughts spiraling out of control? This is a skill you can learn! I found CBT techniques helpful. It worked best for me to use the Feeling Good workbook/handbook and actually use the worksheets Dr David Burns provides. He teaches you how to challenge your own distorted thoughts, because a therapist isn’t always there.

What’s great is that you sound willing to examine yourself and take responsibility. Also I hear that you can see your BFs perspective, which will help with any relationship.

I think you know you really don’t have the option to drink until you reach a better place with your anxiety. It can help to think of it as something you’re allergic to.

But you said something interesting: “I promise to seek help, and I do for a couple weeks & then for whatever reason I stop.” Why do you stop?

PS please make your appointment with the psychiatrist now, before you have to deal with a new job. Plus they are all so busy nowadays it might take months to schedule the first appointment.

It sounds as if you’re on the right path overall and I know you can do it. Sometimes it takes a few practice tries or a different doctor.

[MoldyPenny in reply to notanotter]

Hi there, thank you so much for your response.

I don't really have any tools in my arsenal yet, I'm very newly into discovering I have mental health issues so I haven't had the chance to learn coping mechanisms. I will definitely take a look at your suggestions.

I agree about not drinking completely. When we first realized that alcohol is a problem, I thought I could keep drinking if I could control myself and only have a couple. Turns out that I have an impulse control problem as well, and once I start it's very hard for me to stop. Idk that I'll ever drink again.

I don't know why I stop seeing my therapist, honestly. This last time was due to financial problems, which is really just an excuse because I could've definitely figured out how to afford to see her. I think I might still be in denial that I even need help, prior to this incident I was anyway. I definitely learned a lot from this experience, mainly that I am sick and I do need professional help.

I'm not able to make an appointment at the moment due to not having a job, therefore not having insurance. My new employer offers health insurance, but they don't help to pay the monthly premium so I'm unsure whether there is a period after I start where I will continue to be uninsured. The literal second I get health insurance back I will be making that appointment for myself.

Thank you so much for your advice and kindness. I'm glad I found this forum, it's nice to know I found a safe place to organize my thoughts and have other people with a similar mindset offer their advice.

[MoldyPenny]

My new job will be an administrative assistant at a financial advisors office. I'm very hopeful that it will be good for me, the pay and the benefits alone are more than I've ever had previously and it sounds like a fast paced environment where there's not much idle time for me to think. I need that in a job, while I don't need stress necessarily, I can't be bored at work.

The drinking is a problem, and I had noticed it starting earlier this year but didn't take it seriously until now because it wasn't always a problem. I feel like a fool for that, I should've seen it coming as alcoholism runs on both sides of my family. It's not that I have a problem with not drinking, I don't ever "need" alcohol to cope or have fun, I just enjoy doing it in social settings. I don't even drink if we're not out or with other people. I don't even always get angry when I drink, in fact 99% of the time I just have a ton of fun since it allows me to let loose and just enjoy the moment which is something I struggle with. But it happens so fast and with no warning. I'll go from having a great time to being filled with rage in seconds, and it's always over something so minor that when I sober up and reflect on the situation I'm so embarrassed about what I said and did. I'm actually also looking into anger management since this experience, I realize that the alcohol may not necessarily be the problem but it did exacerbate the situation.

I also hope we're able to mend things and move forward from this. I did speak with him tonight and he's understandably very leery of giving me another chance, but he's going to stick around for a while and we're going to try to just be friends while I go through some treatment and get help. He is going to remain in our apartment for the time being because it's mutually beneficial for both of us and his dog, but I'm not sure what the arrangement is going to look like. I'm going back home tomorrow, I offered to stay with my mom for a few nights but he's fine with me coming home tomorrow, and I'm sure we'll figure everything out then. He doesn't owe me anything at all, so I am very grateful that he hasn't written me off entirely and has agreed not to make a permanent decision yet. I assume we're not going to act like a couple for a while, or even really tell people that we're dating, but I'm hopeful that with time and dedication we can work past this.

Thank you so much for your response and kindness, it really means a lot during such a dark time for me.

[notanotter in reply to MoldyPenny]

Congratulations on the new job by the way! Being an administrative assistant in an FA’s office is very interesting work. I have family who are FAs, and a good Admin can be worth their weight in gold. You can help manage the clients and prepare reports, and problem solve. It’s never a dull moment!

[MoldyPenny in reply to notanotter]

Thank you! I've had a series of really bad jobs which is why I took a few months off over the summer to gather myself and try to figure out what I wanted to do. Honestly I didn't ever see myself working in finance, but a fresh start is exactly what I need. In all aspects of my life apparently.

[MoldyPenny]

I’m still undecided about AA, I’m going to talk with my therapist when I see her this week & go from there. I am open to the idea of it, though.