Panic attack.

[Kevin160]

Its been really long since i had a panic attack, but i had one this evening, i just cant seem to get used to the new normal with work, i still feel very anxious and nauseous before every time i go to work, i still have a messy sleep schedule, i still feel like i cant handle the pressure even though my job is a teaching gig at a center which is very flexible, but im not sure why today was very bad for me, its been a few weeks since i got the job, but today i couldnt calm myself down, and after the panic attack i fought with my mom, she was being really irrational regarding choices that concern myself and myself only, i dont mind the advice, but i dont like being controlled, i know what is best for myself.

Im filled with anger because although i have no reason to worry, my heart feels like it is going to explode , the problem is i have what it takes to do this job, its not alot of pressure, it works well with my schedule in university, and i enjoy it. But i still panic before every class, i still get anxious when i need to prepare, i always worry about outcomes that would never happen, I hate myself, i hate my life, and i hate my brain.

Its like whenever i decide to do something good for myself, god punishes me, i know its not true, but its hard not to think the world isnt out to get me when i keep confronting these worries over and over again but i just cant seem to get over these silly fears.

[Agora1]

Hi Kevin :)You know realistically that no one is out to get you. Not even Fate is saying

"Let's get Kevin" lol

It seems like you have the dream job, too bad you can't enjoy the opportunity.

Our way of thinking prompts Anxiety to take over our thoughts which then produce

the physical effects of stress. You need to remind yourself daily, that you've got this.

This irrational and controlling advice that your mother is giving you is taken in by

your subconscious mind. Unless you put a block up to her chosen words, the negativity

stays with you and explodes into a stressful confrontation with your rational mind.

It's not worth your sanity to get into a confrontation with family or friends. It only chooses

to put us into a stressful state and a "what if" mode of "what if they are right". In that

we lose our confidence. Respect your mother's opinion and then find a quiet spot and

meditate and breathe. Use affirmations that will build your self esteem. You are old

enough to make decisions on your own. And just in case it didn't work out, well that is how

we learn. I believe in you Kevin. You've come a long way my friend. Don't allow this

to ruin a perfect fitting job for you. xx

[Kevin160 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you, i had the chance to cool off a bit, i think we all go through that phase after an argument or a bad day where we feel that things are nit as crazy as we thought when we were angry or anxiousI just want to clarify that i did not attack or try to start an argyment, i have always been someone who appreciated the opinion of others, but i must say i have a very dysfunctional family and im at although i love my family, im usually at a real disadvantage with alot of things family wise.

I know they may think something is for my best interest, but i always believeno one can know you more than yourself, thats why that argument added more to an already bad day, i just do not want to disappoint anyone, i keep creating so much pressure for myself because i keep feeling i have to exceed people’s expectations, maybe thats the perfectionist part of me, or maybe because i know i can be better, but every now and then i struggle with finding the ability to handle the stress even when i dont really have that much to be anxious about. And im just not used to having people rely on me, and really treat me as a person of authority, so i guess i have some getting used to.

Thanks for your motivation, its an unhealthy habit but a little reassurance and boost from other people is definitely a bonus, i dont rely on it as much, but it helps.

[TyrSwimmer_Sac]

You know as you described your issue it was like my days in college all over again. With me it was an immense surge of adrenaline that fed my anxiety to the point of imploding all input from everything straight inside my head. It caused me to doubt myself, increase fear, and turn every task into an overwhelming obstacle. All this sensory overload drove my panic attacks. You have an advantage I didn't have back then. You're more aware of what is happening than I did back then.

So I wonder if you have support where you work or a mentor to turn to that can help break the self negativity? Speaking from personal experience I know trying to get that kind of help on the job is near impossible but there are a few minutes a day where you can switch gears to take the time to work on settling your nerves/calm the mind. When you've had this trouble before have you ever done anything that has worked for you before? If not then can you turn to mindfulness exercises to counter the stress/tension/negative thinking bringing about the panic attacks?

I am saying this because I had a multiple panic attacks at work recently and I was forced to put my past training skills to work to manage my episodes. I broke away from my work group to do several thing this past week to break my cycle event. One one occasion I turned to a co-worker to talk to and on another I took a break to listen to melody that I listen to that puts me to sleep every night to settle my mind. On yet another occasion I didn't drink coffee that day and I took a super fast walk about the building all the while using breathing exercises. I could go on but I think you get that the distraction can calm down the anxiety temporarily if not break it. I'd even be happy to say use my phone number on speed dial to chat with me though that may or may not help. Just know as your friend I'm around to support ya buddy even if I'm not there personally. I hope you can take some comfort knowing you aren't the only one with these issues and remember you're not alone. Maybe something I've said may help but if not we can always brainstorm stuff that can help you in a pinch when you're having an episode.

Also I feel your pain and frustration brother. Cheers you're a great guy that I'm happy to know.

And Peace which I know you need right now.

[Kevin160 in reply to TyrSwimmer_Sac]

It does help knowing im not the only one, and i do think that maybe having a bad day caused me to overreact, and when everything piles up we all just snap and breakdown. I know my mother means well, i have never been someone who really disrespected their family, i hate for it to seem that im spoiled or just acting out, my mom never had an easy life so i was always sensitive about that and we have a great relationship, but i probably know whats best for me more than her, especially in terms of my future as i know my capabilities more than her and new adults like me tend to be underestimated by parents, which kind of rubs me the wrong way because i like to think that i have done enough to proof myself in this dysfunctional family, i overcome alot of things that this family put me through that no one should go through, whether it was domestic violence, drinking problem, verbal and emotional abuse etc..

With that said, i have always been aware of what i said and did, but occasionally sometimes i can get angry.

I really hope i manage to handle myself more in this new job, to answer your question, its a oart time teaching gig so i dont have alot of mentors, im running a department by myself and i feel alot of pressure eventhough its really enjoyable and doable for me, i have what it takes and i feel confident most of the time, but for some reason i really get anxious before every time i go to work, its like i feel i have a duty and responsibility where people rely on me and im taken seriously for once, and this makes me feel uneasy.

I guess it all happened so fast and thats why im having trouble getting used to it, my sleep and eating have taken a hit, but i feel much better in comparison to a week or 2 ago, it takes some adjustmenti guess and jts gradual i hope.

Thanks for your feedback my friend, it does help, and as i said i love hearing about other people’s experiences, its good to see im not alone and that i can get through this.

Wish you peace as well, everyone needs it to be honest, its the best feeling,

[Kevin160]

Yea, the argument wasnt that bad, as i said in other replies, i have always been sensitive about communicating with my mom because shes been through alot, family troubles with her sisters and parents, then her relationship with my dad sucked and was filled with domestic abuse and right when they got divorced she got cancer. Alot of unlucky things happened so i always felt guilty adding to that. But i did feel angry at times because although i knew she had my best interest at heart, she didnt really listen to me or took me seriously, eventhough im 20, i did close the topic and didnt really try and start any arguments after.

About the job thing, i totally relate, i feel capable and the job is based on materials and experience i gained through highschool and university, so i dont find alot of difficulty during the job and my worry goes away, but in between gigs where im preparing or i feel i have a few things on my plate, i worry about burnout, too much pressure, stress and depression, i keeo getting these negative and intrusive thoughts and worry about the slightest, and get triggered or provoked quite easily.

Not sure of its a confidence thing because as i said i feel pretty capable, but i still havent gotten rid of the “new job jitters” even though its not exactly new anymore, it has gotten a bit better, and im more calm heading into new things in my life, but im also worried about juggling this job and university. Its flexible yet my brain is worried it would be too much, i feel like i must have constant reassurance and support even when i can handle whats going on, hopefully its gradual and will it easier over time, as you said, it takes time, to me its probably a bit longer because its my first job and it feels weird to be taken seriously.

Sorry for the long speech and thank you for your feedback,

[Kevin160]

Thank you so much, i am doing better at the time being, im accepting that anxiety is never linear, it comes and goes, im just focusing on learning how to handle it as best as possible.