Depressed, confused and don’t know what I’m doing

[LucozadeOrange]

To anyone who can even bother themselves to read this….. here’s my little rant.

I’m the type of person who likes to have my ducks in a row and at the minute I feel like all my ducks are in a wood chipper.

And I feel selfish for feeling sad, I have so much to be happy about, I have an amazing boyfriend, I have a house, I have a career direction…. And I appreciate these things so much. I think it’s frustrating for my boyfriend who thinks the world of me but I can’t see that myself.

I just look at all the negatives, I feel like people would be happier if I wasn’t around, like I’m a nuisance. I find the worst in everything, I assume the worst and I never used to be like that. Then it’s like I’m grieving over an older version of me.

I think that my boyfriend originally got with a different me so why would he want me like this as if I don’t deserve him.

I have no family, I moved abroad with my mum to be with my new step family, who have been in my life for 12 years but when they divorced a couple of years ago, they all dropped me as if they don’t know me. Now my step dad who can’t even spell my name right on a birthday card has another step daughter. My mum had a set of twins with him so they’ve turned into a painful reminder of what I don’t have anymore.

I have no family, my brothers, aunts, uncles, nana, poppy… everyone is half way round the other side of the world and I have no support system.

My relationship with my mum is rocky but I feel like we are both struggling and we are trying to help eachother and failing because we can’t even help ourselves.

We’ve been through a lot together including the move to England and her abusive ex. I feel as though we are both trying to sort ourselves out so when we lean on eachother we just crumble.

Ooooh I also have my biological dad who has come into the mix who I have never met in my life who is deciding to say hello just as if I wasn’t confused enough.

Been through some traumatic experiences this year medically and got suddenly taken off the medication I was on which has also NOT helped my head.

And now I’m depressed, I feel lonely and scared and there are days I just don’t want to exist. And I don’t mean die! - I haven’t got those thoughts. I just mean I want the world to swallow me somewhere that no one else exists.

Also don’t like admitting I’m depressed because having an abusive ex who tells you you’re weak if you shout depression is fantastic. Plus he put me on weight watchers because “no one wants a fat girlfriend” when I was a size UK10 might be the reason I struggle with eating too.

Woowwwwwwww writing this I didn’t realise how much I’m affected and this is just the tip of the iceberg haha.

Go me.

[jedimasterlincoln]

Sometimes it helps to right it down, if nothing else it makes you realise ow far you've come as much as how messed up things seem too.

I can't relate personally to much you said except the bit about having no support network.

We live 1-2 hours from nearest family. Both work shifts. Have 2 young kids and have to do it all ourselves. Sometimes you feel so alone and you'd love to just have a mum/dad to nip round to for a meal or a cup of tea. That's going to be even harder for us since my dad died and mum can't get here herself too.

I'm sorry I can't offer more solidarity than that but I did read and think of you.

[Midori]

Go see your doctor, urgently. There must be something else they can put you on to help with this low mood and your ruminating on all the things going around in your head.

I know that feeling of having dropped right through depression and into apathy. That feeling of wanting the earth to swallow you, been there , and currently fighting against returning to it right now.

It isn't good, feeling you have nothing and nobody you can turn to; but you have us now; this is why we are here, to help and be helped in turn.

Covid and the lockdowns and general disruption of late have added uncertainty to the mix, unfortunately.

Are you still in the UK? If so there are agencies you can go to for help, some of which your doctor can refer you to, others you can self- refer to.

Hope this helps, Cheers, Midori

[designguy]

Sounds like you would benefit from an antidepressant, at least temporarily. You might also have your hormones, thyroid and adrenal glans checked to see if they are functioning properly. If not, they can cause or contribute to anxiety/depression.

Also it sounds like you are dealing with low-self-esteem/self-worth issues and would benefit from reading about it and how to change/improve it and applying it to your self.

[pink318]

Hi- Thank you for sharing with us honestly about how you feel at the moment. In my experience, it brings me comfort after I write down my emotions. I hope you are comforted as well. I also hope that this group will help you to feel less lonely and not alone, so feel free to come anytime and share with us.

Talking with a professional counselor would be great as well. I hope you can get the help you need to stay strong. God bless you.