It always comes back

[fanglorious]

I have hilariously thought that a beat depression several times, but it always comes back. I had a brief break from it when I got my low testosterone treated, I started exercising regularly and then it came back. I got my ADHD treated, started a Masters degree to be a nurse practitioner and I only have one class left, but depression is just coming back to eat me again. I don't have time for the self-loathing, the self sabotage, hopelessness and loss of interest. I started Wellbutrin XL 150 just over 3 weeks ago and for about 2 weeks life got better, but then the past 5 days have just gone back to emptiness. I tried to contact my doctors office and they haven't responded, and I'm just feeling overwhelmed. My classes start again on Monday and I can't be like this when they do. I also can't burden anyone in my family with this because they're depending on me to keep going to work and succeed in college, and they don't do well with feelings anyway. I'll probably just switch to the mode where I feel dead inside but I keep working and just laugh at everything because it feels like it doesn't matter.

[samack]

Keep going! The wellbutrin may just be adjusting as you had such an early response. You think about what's best for you now. One class left, how great! Can you take it next semester if you had to? Its just an option. Yes, we have to fake it till we make it, and just be grateful for making it through until we feel better. It does feel empty, I agree.

[fanglorious in reply to samack]

Thanks for responding. It almost makes me feel better just that someone answered.

[repeatOffender]

I feel for youMine came back yet again after a 6 month break

I have 2 kids and I don’t want to go through life like a zombie like I did before

Let’s encourage each other

Stay in the present

You can make it and things will get better

It’s a sickness but it seems you are doing the things you should do

I’ll pray for you

[fanglorious in reply to repeatOffender]

I woke up on a better foot and I've been reframing the hell out of everything, so it's been a better day so far. Maybe your prayers worked in advance, and thank you for them.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to fanglorious]

I like that turn of phrase: "reframing the hell out of everything".

[repeatOffender]

GoodNow please say a few for me

[Lefty_Epee]

First of all, you're so strong for doing everything you can think of to fight your depression. That takes a lot, and I mean a lot of guts. As far as depression returning, I get that. I don't experience it in the same way as you and will never understand your struggle, but know that you're not alone. You have physically felt yourself getting better. So do not under any circumstances give up. I'm not trying to be poetic or preachy but think of it as the tide. Your high tide is the ferocious powerful feeling of happiness, excitement, and all the good things in life. Then the undertow hits and drags you down. Then your left with the dark lulling waves of sadness and grief in the low tide. As much as it sucks, know that high tide will return. It is as sure as the arrival of the sun and moon. When that undertow hits you, try and remember the good. Try to envision the warmth, and the calm. Let it be a daily affirmation that today may suck. Tomorrow may suck. The next week might suck. But you know in your head, in your soul, and in your heart, that you will rise again. That your depression will not, cannot define you. But your strength, your resilience, and your victory will define you as what you are, what you are meant to be, and what you will become. Seize the day, for all its joys, for all its horrors, it is the present. And it is a present, for the gift of life is so sacred, so pure, that it will never be tainted by the darkness. Let its light guide you every day, and every night. You are worth it. You are special. You are important. You define yourself. You define what does matter. As far as anyone of us thinks, you matter. Stay strong, I pray for your happiness, and your success.