Into the void

[JessieV]

This is a shout into the void because tonight I am hurting, a shout into the faceless abyss that somehow understands me better than many of the living, breathing beings I encounter each day. I try time and again to compensate for who I am. I try to be the person people need me to be until I forget the real me. I try to do things right so hard that I do them wrong. I wish there was a way to tell people I’m not lazy or incompetent. I wish they knew when they saw stupidity they were really seeing anxiety. I wish they could see that the person they think is an idiot is actually a genius. I wish they would realize how exhausting this parade is and how hard I work to just come close to resembling normal - whatever that means. I wish they could walk in my shoes just so they could know I tried.

And as I sit down to rest my weary feet, my neighbor slumps down next to me. And I see that he is worn and weary too.

[mshauser]

Hi this is Shnookie. This was a very powerful post and one that I can relate to. U R a strong person. I’m jeered 4 U. Hugs 🤗 S 😎😊

[JessieV in reply to mshauser]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am cheering for you too! You are not alone.

[mshauser in reply to JessieV]

Thank U 🙏 4 your support. It means the world 🌍 to me. I’m ending my current job on Wednesday and starting a new job in a few week. The support I get from this group will help me get thru this transition

[JessieV in reply to mshauser]

You’ve got this! Hang in there. Transitions are tough but so are we. I hope this turns out to be a wonderfully great fit and positive next step on your journey! Im excited for you.

[mshauser in reply to JessieV]

Your post put a smile 😃 on my face. This new job is a positive step on my journey. Among other things, it’s time to move from a 24 a week part-time job to a 40 hour a week job earning more money

[propjock in reply to mshauser]

Is leaving your choice? I’m thankful you have another job starting!

[mshauser in reply to propjock]

Leaving is my choice. This is only a 24 hour a week job and my boss has a mantra of I’m going to work U harder than any other boss U ever had. That kind of mentality and I was having some ADHD issues in the beginning that my boss could not comprehend and I work for a disability resource center ‼️ When I gave her my notice it went OK so that was good 😊

[JessieV in reply to mshauser]

I got put on a performance improvement plan at work today. I feel like my world is ending. I hope I can find a better fit one day too.

[samack]

I am working on being authentic and letting go of people pleasing. Its a shout Info the abyss as we go through these changes alone. You are with people here who support you.

[JessieV in reply to samack]

Thank you! I am such a people pleaser and it is challenging (but necessary) to learn to let that go. I am so grateful for your kind words!

[Beevee]

I read the following quote from someone who went on to fully recover from debilitating anxiety and getting his life back by following this advice from someone who knew how to help. Having followed this same advice, I know how true it is. I mention this because your post is all about trying to be someone else. It's the trying that keep many people trapped in the anxiety cycle.

"You won't get better until you stop trying to get better,"

[JessieV in reply to Beevee]

Thank you!

[Roxylox]

I can totally relate. Lots of people view me wrongly, completely wrongly. In the past I have worked hard to prove them wrong, to prove I'm smart too.It usually got me nowhere.

I am vowing from here on in to just be me. I can't get much worse results than some of the ones I got already.

I feel I can understand your pain to a degree. Into the Void is a great way of expressing it. That void may prove more fruitful than the rigid attitudes of a helluva lotta people in the real world.

When you mention normal, I am glad you follow it with" whatever that means".

It is a ridiculous term as we are all individuals.

Let me tell you that a couple of people who described me as weird and strange( they used a more derogatory term) in my last job had very strange quirks themselves - yet nobody deemed them weird. That puzzles me in the extreme. Perhaps it was 'cos they had high positions and my job was menial

It doesn't seem to have any impact when I tell people I had paid a deposit for college when young but couldn't go 'cos of family circumstances. They still see me as brainless 'cos I've never had a job that was anything close to prestigious.

It is probably fruitless trying to prove our intelligence to these people.I have , I know been over polite, even over complimentary to some employers, It has only earned me scorn.

I did a two week cover work job recently, and was purposely more distant in my interactions with the employers. Maybe I will never know what they thought of me!

For me, people pleasing is definitely being scaled down. Believe me , my nastiest former boss( the one with the quirks) had some stupid ideas and obsessions, was also one of those people who did not listen.

Why should we try to change ouselves for anyone?

Sorry for the length of the post

[JessieV in reply to Roxylox]

Thank you for the reply! I’m so sorry to hear you have experienced this too but It is comforting to know I’m not alone. I tend to struggle a lot at work and come across as an idiot (or I feel like I do) when really I have so much potential. It is frustrating but I think as long as our worth is based on what others think we will always be miserable. They don’t define truth. I wish you the best! Hang in there! You are smart and capable.

[Roxylox in reply to JessieV]

Thank you so much for your kind reply Jessie. I wish you well too.