I'm at my wits end. I can't go through these medical issues again.

[Bebop2071]

This is long so for the sake of brevity I'll put up a

tl:dr Seizures and chronic pain causing me to become suicidal

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It's been a long time since I've been on this forum. I just need... I don't even know anymore.

So I was diagnosed with epilepsy about 25 years ago from an accident I had as a child. I have a part of my brain that is literally dead and filled with fluid. One of my neurologists in the past said they'd never seen anything like it and that I should be a vegetable. I've tried many medications over the years and they finally settled on Lamotrigine ER maybe seven or eight years ago. It works the best out of all I've tried, but still not well. I have chronic pain in my head and neck area due to the brain damage as the damaged area touches the part of the brain that that signals that you "have pain" (if that makes sense?) It feels like someone is reaching into my head and my neck on my left-hand side, grabbing ahold and trying to pull the inside out. I think it's also because the pills only kinda work, so basically I feel like I'm going to have a seizure constantly but the pills hold it back just enough from causing me to drop and flop.

I recently started having actual seizures again. I've had three in less than a week. While they aren't as strong as they could be, it's still increasing in frequency and the head and neck pain is getting worse. The last time the seizures started to get bad I had to leave a very good job because I could rarely drive there, then even if I could I wouldn't be able to be under the lights and start at my computer without going into or nearly going into a seizure. I just started another good (but seasonal) job on Monday and now I feel like I may lose it because it's possible I'll not be able to function tomorrow.

I spent the better part of two and a half years dealing with this daily. Pretty much stuck laying down or sitting in a dark room most of the day so the light didn't hurt my head. Couldn't watch tv, couldn't play games, couldn't read. Only thing I could really do was to listen to a podcast or audiobook on low volume. I had to have people drive me anywhere I needed to go. I couldn't work. I burned through my life savings. I can't go through it again. My personality and behavior gets more erratic and my memory gets worse as time goes on. It's making me super stressed out. Beyond belief. Was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and chronic depression about 10 years ago as well after I ended up in an inpatient/outpatient depression/suicide clinic.

I don't get out much anymore and am isolated. Have barely left the house recently due to the seizures and that I'm getting really paranoid. Odd stuff has been happening outside at night. Can barely sleep, although that is in part due to the meds. Spent eight hours straight for two nights staring out the window at weird cars that parked nearby.

I'm just ready to die. My cats have been the only thing keeping me alive for quite awhile now. If it weren't for them I know without a shadow of a doubt I'd be gone. It's not that I "want" to die, per se. I just want these problems and especially the pain to go away. But as it's not and everything is unraveling again I am finally to my breaking point and I'm seriously thinking about ending it all and have started to make plans.

I know there's nothing that anyone here can really do, but I'm hoping some of you have dealt with a similar situation or similar issues and can just pass on some advice about how you dealt/deal with it.

Sorry for the ramble.

[Mumma_h]

Hi bebop, my heart goes out to you . My daughter has epilepsy so I know how awful seizures can be. I’m there to see the after effects and how long it takes to recover. It’s also affects her mental health and memory, which took me a while to come to terms with because I just want her to be happy and not scared but all she wanted was to express her pain and fear and be listened to . You said the doctors said you should be a vegetable with the brain problems. That is a huge positive! A miracle even!! Try to remember that to give you some peace . I understand depression more than I wish . What I can say about that is that I promise you you can find happiness again! I had really extreme depression for many years and somehow someway I amsoooo much better than I was . I’d lost all hope and had no idea what to do , I wish so much I could give you my secret to healing but I don’t have one . I think it must be a miracle because I didn’t take meds or talk about it much it or have counseling , I was too far gone by that stage I believe, i won’t get into it much because mine was really really full on and don’t like to tell people in case it’s upsetting to them . I’m on meds now, and have had counseling here and there recently ,because I’m not 100% cured , in fact I’ve had some bad days recently, but they do t last long . I’m telling you this because I want anyone who’s struggling and think things won’t change to know that they most definitely 100% without a doubt can be content again, believe me if I can get better anyone can . I am going to pray to god right now to please please help you and take away your pain and seizures. Also try not to stay up all night. I dont know about you but sleep deprivation can be a trigger for seizures. Be kind to yourself , get lots of rest and take oneday at a time . Just know that someone out here understands cares and is praying for you ❤️

[Mumma_h]

Oh and p.s I have 3 cats and they are huge comfort to me when I have bad days , aren’t they just the best😍

[Bebop2071 in reply to Mumma_h]

Thank you very much for your responses. They made me smile and I truly appreciate it

[Livelydively]

I am sorry you are having seziures again. I hope you are able to keep working.

I have chronic lung disease from chemotherapy that causes a lot of overwhelming body sensations. It has caused me to have health anxiety. I started therapy again during the pandemic. I also started using the curable app for my chronic pain. It has been pretty helpful. I hope you find something that brings you comfort.

[Bebop2071 in reply to Livelydively]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I ended up needing to miss work today but I think it won't be an issue, so that takes some stress off. I'm sorry to hear about your chronic lung disease. I can certainly relate to the health anxiety. I'll check out the app you mentioned.

[Tara52]

Wow that's alot of pain for sure. I am sorry you are suffering so much.😘I wish I could give you a hug,! I had been in & out of mental hospitals many times for depression/ anxiety/self harm. There were no treatments that helped me. After my boyfriend committed suicide I finally turned to God (not religion) and He finaaly helped me. Mary Baker Eddys inspired book "Science & Health" enlightened me and I started to heal. I will be praying for you.💗🙏P.S. I discovered suicide is not an "escape hatch" to end the pain. You just wake up on the other side in the same condition.😧

[Thissucks37]

Very sorry bebop. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. 🙏

[JkBauer]

Good morning Beebop,I am sorry for the struggle that you have been going through pretty much your whole life. I am there I get it! I was born with epilepsy 56+ years now. I had parents who were afraid of it and did not want to help me learn how to deal with it so, I did a lot of learning on my own about living with epilepsy. My teenage years through my 40's were probably my worst years of learning and growing with the seizures. - First, I want to say; That is so great what a miracle that you are NOT a vegetable! Praise God! ( When I was a pre-teen/early teenage kid my doctors all told me I was never going to be normal, I was on my way to becoming an imbalance, I would never graduate H.S. I should abort any babies if I ever became pregnant. I would always be in a group home for disabled kids and adults. I could never get married or hold a job. In fact, my doctor at that time had given me a prescription for condoms! Which I had torn up and threw away.) All these things plus more I had dreamed about as a kid. I went home crying and I was bound and determined more than ever I was going to find a way to prove to my parents and doctors I was going to be an overcomer. - My parents sent me to Sunday school and church on a school bus every Sunday. So I met some really great and supportive adults and families there who were very loving and caring towards me. I was a very shy girl, but I grew to trust and care for all of them as my adopted families. They all taught me about the love of Jesus Christ and learn how to pray and read the Word of God. This was a life lesson that has helped me throughout working and learning about my epilepsy and how to best live with it. God blessed me with His saving grace as I asked Him to become my personal Lord and Savior. 2). I told Him I needed his help to teach me how to best live with epilepsy. 3). I learned if I wanted to be an overcomer, I needed to focus on what was truly important. I was always going to have seizures. So, how could I make the seizures the least stressful that I could? A). When I started feeling like I was going to go into a seizure I say a quick prayer "Help Me, Jesus!" Then I take just a couple of seconds to look around at where I am at. Then I start singing a little song that I learned as a child "Jesus Loves Me" in my mind until the seizure hits. After the seizure is over, and I start to come to I am not as afraid. Then once I get my bearings straight and know where I am once again. I say thank you, Lord! Please help once again to find rest and peace. - The Lord has done miraculous work in my life.

" I graduated from high school, I went to college and graduated. I got myself an apartment and held a job for many years. I got married and I bore 3 great children that my husband and I raised together, who are now adults and living lives of their own. I have one grandbaby! I also worked in the schools for many, many years while our kids were growing up. I love being a grandma! Now, my husband and I love traveling." - Don't give up! find a way to strive and move forward. - How are your eating habits? Are you eating nutritiously and drinking or water daily? Are you staying away from caffeine in coffee, candy, sweets...? How about exercise? Are you getting up and at least doing some stretches or walking? Have you ever tried wearing sunglasses for the light problems? I had that problem too, sunglasses helped. Have you ever tried deep slow breathing exercising? Music is very helpful. What kinds of ways do you find helpful to relieve stress? Try to do what you can and get out and get some fresh air and daily sunlight every day. This is extremely important for your health and helping you with your seizures and other health issues. Even if it is only sitting on the porch. I hope that there is something here that might help you. God bless you!