So lately, I've been pretty vocal about my mental health, and have confided in a few people about it. Which is really hard for me to do because my mom always invalidated my feelings when I was growing up, so discussing them has always been a challenge.
I confided in my friends who I know go through it every day because I asked them for resources. My anxiety has been so bad that I can't leave my house and haven't been able to work, so this was a big step for me.
I told my cousin, she said she would help but then ignored me. (Which is a little messed up to me, because her mom committed suicide and mental health is very important to her...and no, I'm not threatening to kill myself or even holding her mom's death over her. That's even more messed up.)
So I vent to someone I thought was a friend. I told her how alone I felt. How I felt like no one cares or understands that I need help. I'm not just exaggerating for attention. (I don't talk to more than five people and I don't use social media, so sympathy isn't my end goal.) How I feel like an absolute burden because of how crippling my anxiety is.
She told me she understood and that she would help me get into a doctor. So I wouldn't allow myself to be disappointed in someone again, I told her it wasn't her task to take on if she didn't want to. (I don't really trust her to follow through, but she did help me see a doctor after I tried killing myself five years ago. The shrink ended up being horrible, but I don't hold it against her.) She insisted.
I thanked her and was overly grateful. But, as the next two weeks pass by, she becomes increasing more silent.
Now, because she was offering to help, I would try to make an effort to talk about other things that were more positive. I understand that when anxiety and depression take over, you can wear others down by constantly bringing it up and putting it on them, which causes people to not want to be around you. (Though, really, someone should intervene.) So I would invite her and her kids to playdates, I would offer to go get our nails done (because I need a buddy and it's relaxing.) I would send her pictures of clothes that I thought she'd like for her birthday.
She always left me on read.
On the few occasions I'd need to confide in her? Left me on read.
I found out while my eldest was visiting that my ex passed away. I messaged her, and she told me, "Yeah, I know. I wasn't going to tell you." I understand not wanting to set someone off, but A. I've lost more people than most people my age, including my mom, sperm donor, grandfather... literally the closest family I have living are my Gran and my Cousin. So I'm not one who is going to completely break down. Especially after you lose your mother, death becomes more normal. B. He and I were no longer speaking, he was abusive, he kept trying to come back, and I told him to leave me alone. So for me, I had no ties to him. I was upset that other people lost someone. His kids lost their father. He drank himself to an early grave, and it's heartbreaking. That being said, I felt insulted that she just insinuated that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle it.
And I know one could argue that she was just keeping my mental health in mind. Then why was her tone like, "I already know, I just didn't think YOU could handle it." The girl has only ever lost her grandparents. Now, loss is incomparable, and I don't diminish how painful death is for the living, but how dare she dictate what I can handle. I'm one of the few people who actually want honesty, so keeping it from me and saying it's because you were protecting me is ... frankly stupid.
And she further proves my thinking with how she acted after. She literally left me feeling like I was talking to a wall. Like I was bothering her about even speaking to her about anything. I was crushed. I confided in my roommate about how silent she was being, and mind you, I don't expect an immediate response. People are busy and have stuff going on. But when your friend has told you they need help and now bad things are, don't make their anxiety worse by ignoring them. It's a really messed up thing I've noticed she has always done. She'll call me up about her issues and I will spend four hours on the phone with her, listening to her and talking it out with her. I never call her because I honestly hate talking on the phone, but I will put aside my preferences for...anyone in need. If I ever start to talk about my issues, she will turn around and tell people I'm just being hysterical. It's disgusting. Like, she's gatekeeping mental health and only she can suffer. Everyone else just wants attention. Well, you know what? MAYBE THEY NEED THE ATTENTION IN ORDER TO RECEIVE HELP
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Anyway, one day, two weeks after I initially confided in her, my roommate and I got into a fight (he snaps on me for no reason, and I've been treated like poop for long enough, so I will go tf off) and he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept coming into my room and I told him he was triggering me and that he needs to give me my space. He refused, so I started having a full blown anxiety attack. I was in the fetal position, rocking back and forth while I'm shrieking through breathless sobs. I can't breathe, my chest hurts, my head hurts, and I start digging into my skin with my nails.
He freaks out and finally leaves the room. I messaged the friend who actually told me about my ex's unfortunate death, and I told her whay was going on, and she offered to come pick me up to get me out of there for the time being. It's not like I didn't feel safe, but I definitely didn't feel comfortable being around someone who won't listen and respect your boundaries when you feel an anxiety attack coming on.
I open my bedroom door to grab my shoes while I'm waiting for her to show up, and who is standing in my hallway? The crappy friend. The one who has seemingly gone out of her way to ignore me. I immediately turn around and go back into my room. I was PISSED. My roommate knew how upset I was about how she was treating me, so he invites her over while I'm having an anxiety attack? Wtf?
I sit on my bed and I hear them talk about me. I flip out and told them if they want to talk about me to go outside. They said no, so I had to storm out of MY home so my two "friends" could discuss my problems without me. They even talked about weaponizing mental health against me by threatening to have me committed. I straight up told them unless I'm proving myself a danger, good luck. They tried telling me I was, and I clapped back with, "The only dangerous thing right now is you guys invading my safe space while I'm having an anxiety attack, instead of helping me look for stuff when I'm not. Does my mental health not matter until I harm myself? How messed up are you people? I ask for help, you ignore me. I ask you to leave me alone, after you upset me, and you want to threaten to commit me? What kind of friends are you?"
This was all over text at this point, and I told him to tell her to leave or I wasn't coming back. She was leaving when we were down the street.
Now, two weeks after this incident, literally a few days ago, she texted me for the first time since BEFORE my roommate invited her over. "You can be mad. Just checking in on you."
I was LIVID. Like, thank you for invalidating everything I confided in you. Way to make it about you. I'm not MAD at you you looney b-word. I'm disappointed and disgusted that people like you exist. With friends like you, who needs enemies.
I haven't even opened the message. I don't want to dignify her with even letting her see I read it. I also found out my roommate invited her over to get her to talk to me. She asked him, "Did she ask for me?" To which he said, "No." And she replied, "Well, unless she asks for me, I'm not going to talk to her."
So, what, my text messages that went unanswered weren't my attempts to get you to talk to me? I'm sorry, I didn't know I had to beg for you to be a friend. Why did you even show up that night then? For drama? For a front row seat to my meltdown?
So for that reason, I've decided to completely ghost her and cut her out of my life. I'm sure I'm overreacting, but right now, I need serious friends who actually care about helping me get better. Not someone who wants to use my mental health has a topic of gossip. Not someone who negates all other mental health because of hers. Not someone who doesn't have an ounce of empathy in their body.
I've found more support from strangers online who literally have nothing to lose or gain from my existence, so it just amazes me that I'm down to maybe two people in my actual life who may care (but I don't confide in them. After this crap, I shut down again.)
Am I wrong?
Am I overreacting 
Losing my best friend
