I'm just curious, does anyone else struggle with anxiety caused by perfectionism?
My trouble is not that I expect everyone else to be perfect. I don't expect anyone to be perfect. But it's a different story for myself. When I make a mistake, whether it's picking up the wrong thing at the grocery store or mixing up a historical fact or being quiet at a social gathering, I will abuse myself. I can't stop thinking that somebody else wouldn't make that mistake. Somebody else wouldn't struggle so hard to do remember this. I'm the only one that takes it so hard when I mess up.
When I was learning how to drive, I struggled with parking. One day I would do very well and feel proud. But the next day I would struggle with it and I couldn't figure out why. That would make my anxiety go through the roof; if I couldn't figure out how to do well on purpose then how did I know I wouldn't fail when I took the test? When I couldn't control my anxiety, I started to cry. I felt so ashamed of being dramatic in front of my parents. I couldn't bear the pain.
I'm in a relationship now which has brought a new kind of anxiety. I try to be a good girlfriend; I try to ask him questions about things that he's passionate about, I try to be attentive to things that make him anxious. And when I feel like I've missed an opportunity because I wasn't paying attention, I feel awful.
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Yep! A lot of people think being a perfectionist is a good thing, but I think it's a curse. It's not a case of striving for perfection, it's a case of never reaching it. Even if I achieve what I set out to, it's never enough because I set the bar even higher. It's a pretty exhausting way to live isn't it? Look after yoursef. X
Yeah, exhausting pretty much sums it up. Because, you're right, I never achieve the version of perfect I imagine but I can't stop trying. I'm still trying to figure out how to live with that, but it helps a little to know that somebody else gets it
Like PennyLane I would have had that more so when younger, a little less now. The driving, I was just like you, proud if I did well in a lesson, beating myself up if I did something wrong. I'm still not brilliant at parking but I get there!
It does get better with age alright, and as as people have pointed out to me, most people are probably more concerned with themselves and the impression they are making on you and everyone else.
My 17 year old daughter can be very wise, she said to me "Everybody is just me, me me". Remember that.
I wouldn't say that there's anything I enjoy despite being bad at; I don't think I'm wired that way. But I do enjoy writing stories; I still find myself wishing that they were better but since I never show them to anyone my anxiety isn't as bad. Maybe because they're just for me
You're right; the thing is, I've been this way for so long that I can't remember what is was/is I'm trying to outrun. Now it just seems to be my constant state; just with varying degrees
I grew up with instructions never to rock the boat. No wants to hear what you have to say. I felt if I was perfect, then people would atleast like me. Like you it was ok when other people weren’t perfect, but not me. As I got older and started figuring out things for myself, I realized what a burden that conception was. I also heard something that sticks with me to this day. Treat yourself like you would treat others. Forgive yourself. Learn to laugh at your mistakes, then move on. Life is so much easier. Sure, changing your thought patterns won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be perfect (there’s that word again) but it can be better, much better. ❤️🏄♀️
I'm sorry you had to grow up with that burden; it sounds terribly suffocating. But I see what you mean; the older I get, the more I seem to understand the ins and outs of my perfectionism and little by little I seem to be changing the way it works. I no longer memorize the things I feel like I've messed up so I can beat myself up for it later on as a way to remember never to mess up like that again. And my perfectionism is staying bearable/manageable for the moment
I think that where my perfectionism started: as a response to my parents fighting. When they would start to fight, even as a kid I felt like I understood what it was that upset them or pissed them off better than each other. For example, I knew how to phrase things the 'right' way so that nobody would be insulted or hurt. So I would look for the 'perfect' thing to say to smooth over the fight and make things easier again. I trained myself to think, everything matters. If you just always say the right thing, nobody will ever be angry. If you always do the right thing, nobody will be hurt. But 15 years of that attitude is downright exhausting. How did you try to keep your family together?By the way, I'm sorry if I seem to be going on and on. I've never opened up about my anxiety, ever, and now that I hear people describe thoughts and experiences so similiar to mine I seem to be venting. I'm not trying to monopolize the whole conversation; I'm grateful that people are willing to talk
You deserve to take up space! This post is about YOU! By definition, you can’t monopolize a post about YOU!
Emotional healing is a social activity. You have to let people see your pain and then receive empathy from those people to heal.
I started out similarly. My dad would yell at my mom and my adult special needs sister for hours and hours.
I thought I understood my dad and how to be perfect to make him happy. I wasn’t sure what my mom and sister were doing so wrong to be in trouble with him so much but I figured it must be bad to make my dad so mad.
This plan fell apart when I was about ten years old and began having independent thoughts. I then found myself on the same side as my mom and sister. I knew I had done nothing wrong! That’s when I realized the problem was my dad.
My dad told us he expected perfection. He said 99% was a failure. Only 100.0% was acceptable to him. We were expected to not only obey and agree but also to anticipate his needs and regurgitate his opinions back to him in our own words.
In adulthood, I thought I could ensure a successful marriage by being perfect. If I was perfect, my husband would never leave me, cheat on me, or yell at me.
I’ve since learned that he’s not going to leave me, cheat on me, or yell at me (abusively…we all get loud sometimes!) BECAUSE HE’S A DECENT GUY!
It’s exhausting trying to be perfect. I may as well be myself. I’m an imperfect person trying to improve my area of the world in my own small way with empathy and hard work.
Next time you make a mistake, throw yourself a mistake party! Get pizza, cake, balloons….
I colored this shamrock with a couple of my students as a model for them to understand the art teacher’s instructions.
If you look at the very bottom of the stem, it should be purple. I colored it orange by mistake. I tried coloring over it with purple…which turned it brown!
I posted this proudly in my classroom behind my desk. We all make mistakes. It doesn’t diminish our value. It adds character…humanity even. We’re not machines.
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