Lost

[Lampshade44]

Whenever my anxiety grabs me it takes hold and does not let go for what feels like hours to days. My chest get tight and whatever I’m anxious about consumes me to the point where I’m stuck and can’t crawl out. It makes everything feel worthless. I really want to find a way to be happy with myself so I can enjoy life and actually feel somewhat okay for more than a day. I’m in a new city, started a job and am living with one of my good friends. Seems like a great and exciting time but here comes my anxiety and self loathing that’s been relatively manageable for the past few months until now. I just messed up a second date with a girl that I knew from college and honestly really liked. 1st date went well and she said she really liked me but the second one I got all in my head and at the end of the night did not let things flow and was way too forward with my feelings. Then got really anxious about it and kept apologizing. Now she won’t speak to me, which is fine and I understand. It hurts but really what I’m learning is that I need to work on me. I wanted someone to help make me happy and escape how much I hate myself. My job really makes my anxiety skyrocket and my chest is tight for around 8-9 hours a day but I can’t change jobs I’ve already asked my boss if there would be a possibility of moving to a new position with no luck. So even if I try again to seek help for my anxiety I don’t really see a situation where I love myself and am truly happy with my life. For some reason I think that I need a girl in my life to help make me feel consistently happy and ground me. All of my relationships have ended poorly because of my anxious overthinking and low self esteem. I take very long breaks between relationships because of how deeply I feel the pain of separation and am scared of it happing again and after losing my shot with this girl I went on two dates with (lol) I’m just baffled to how I will be able to navigate a relationship ever. Feels like a mini version of my past breakups because I was finally ready to try again but here I am again just feeling hopeless. I don’t even know anymore. This cycle of pain is just annoying and I’m tired of it. I guess if anyone has made it this far do you have any advice for building my self esteem and avoiding this cycle of overthinking?

[Angelsings]

I wish I could give you advice that’s helpful but I just wanted to say that I related to a lot of what you said. I personally have felt that my depression (amongst many other mental flaws) has been too much for people to handle. It has resulted in so many breakups where I’ve been left feeling more hopeless and needing time to recover from each one. I feel that my exes have had an easier time moving on but I’ve always been trying to fight off the thoughts that tell me I’m better off disappearing because I don’t want to have to deal with another person leaving me when things get difficult for me mentally. It sucks when you find someone who makes you happy again only for them to be your trigger and pain later on. It’s been a journey trying to really focus in on myself and making sure I’m taking care of myself first. I’ve been using a lot of the time to reflect and push myself to reach out to people again. The thoughts that make me feel worthless still come and they still bother me. I’ve been finding healthy outlets to help me feel less alone in hobbies I stopped (writing, drawing, singing). I hope you don’t give up on yourself. I know it’s easy for us to allow the thoughts to make us feel that way and sometimes it comes out of no where. But if it counts for anything reading your post helped me feel less alone and I hope you find things that will help you too ❤️

[Lampshade44 in reply to Angelsings]

Thank you. I appreate you and am glad I could make you feel less alone too ❤️

[BrainIsFull]

Right off the top of my head I would say that making yourself and learning to love (or at least like🙂) yourself could be your number one project. You can't get people to like you but you can do many things to really get to know yourself. Maybe look into learning something new or really getting into a hobby or just take yourself and do something nice for yourself. If you get to the point where you accept yourself, as you are, and are really comfortable with yourself, having a romantic relationship would just be something extra instead of something that you need to have in order to be okay.

I'm not saying that it will be quick and easy. It's a long term project but you are worth it!💚

[Pugglesworth]

Hi and welcome to the board.

It seems you have a lot going on there. I didn't notice any therapy or doctors in your post. I would suggest you seek out a mental health professional as this board is not a substitute for therapy. While I find it helpful to write about my situation, I still see a therapist and psychiatrist. Both work together to keep my mental health up to par.

A book I suggest you pick up is 'Hope and Help for your Nerves' by Doctor Claire Weekes. It is an older book, but Dr. Weekes talks directly about the symptoms you have written about. She discusses the loop we get caught in and how to break out of it. I have read and reread it so many times I've lost count; however, I still apply her insights everyday.

Best to you.