I'm very close to my final breaking point

[DeerMousePhD]

I'm a year and a half into my PhD, and I've been having an especially hard time with my anxiety and depression this year due to financial reasons, precious time lost to the pandemic (I'm a year behind) and no support.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I was awarded a scholarship which was supposed to help cover my living costs, but haven't seen a cent of that money. I can't buy food, can't afford medical care, or cover the electricity bill.

My roommate also hasn't been contributing to the financial costs of out apartment, and when I talked to them about it they started ignoring me and stopped helping with cleaning. I thought they were my friend but I think they're just using me. I've been doing everything myself while struggling to keep up with my thesis and life in general.

I checked that if I were to pass away, my life insurance would be able to cover my study debts and my parents would have quite a bit to support them afterward. I'll be contributing more with my death; right now I'm just a massive burden.

I don't have anyone to talk to, most friends have moved away and broken contact, and the people who are still nearby started avoiding me when I went through a grieving period after losing my grandmother.

I tried talking to my study mentor about my issues, because I thought that's what a study mentor was there for, but they just told me I can't afford to be depressed and suicidal, the real world doesn't work that way, I should rather leave.

So I'm at the end of my rope, I literally don't know what to do anymore.

[Livelydively]

That sounds very stressful. I want you to know that you are not a burden.

Are you in the US? If so, depending on what state you live in, you may qualify for medical assistance and food stamps. I could help you navigate the process if you would like.

We are here for you and willing to listen.

[DeerMousePhD in reply to Livelydively]

I'm South African. For reasons I don't want to go into I don't qualify for any kind of financial help. The fact that I "got" the scholarship was a miracle, albeit an empty one. But thank you I really appreciate it.

[propjock]

DeerMouse, you have some not-helpful people in your life. Hard times show you who your friends are.

It’s OK to tell the others, “Look, I don’t have the money or emotional reserves to carry you right now. If you really need to be carried, you will have to find someone else. That’s just facts. I got not much left.

“If you are capable of walking, but prefer being carried, that’s just sad, and I won’t participate in your doing that to yourself any more.

“But if you want to walk with me and share our strengths and burdens, let’s talk about what that might look like.”

No one ever thanks you for saying this the day you say it. Fools will never thank you. They will blame you for their troubles. Wise people will thank you later for giving them a kick in the butt, but probably not today. There’s a great book called “Boundaries,” especially great if you feel guilty for not working harder at solving others’ problems than they are.

Advanced degree may have made sense when you started, and may make sense in the future, but it might not make sense fir you right now. I dropped out the second half of fourth year and went home. Debilitating anxiety and panic. I later finished. I am now two careers removed from that degree (but I use the lessons I learned every day).

You are worth way more than your life insurance minus your debts, and worth way more than that degree. There’s nothing wrong with insurance and education, but they sometimes need to be put in their proper place, and especially time.

Have a Bible? Read Ecclesiastes, chapter 3. Or listen to “Turn, Turn, Turn” by The Beatles.