I don’t want to make myself seem like a slut but I love two men and one I have been on and off for three years going on four and the last time we were separated I found this amazing man but I got scared when my grandma died in the beginning of this year I lost it she was the only mom I had left and I lost it and went back to my mentally abusive ex he said he would change and be better but it’s been 6 months since we “got back together” and he is showing traits of how he was in the past and the man I was seeing while we were separated is still waiting for me he believes we can be together and happy that I just need to take that step and apart of me wants to but the other part is so afraid to leave to not only leave him but his siblings who I love and my dog he told me if I leave I won’t be able to see him. What do I do? I want to be happy but I’m so scared to leave I don’t know what to do??
What do I do?: I don’t want to make... - Anxiety and Depre...
What do I do?
Please don't call yourself names. No one on here is going to do it either.
The answer is simple - leave the abusive man and go to the nice one. Unless you want to spend the next few years being subject to his abuse. Do you?
He’s been trying like really trying he’s actually being nice and lovey dovey with me and now he’s been going through my stuff and popping up at my job I can’t even go to my apartment without him freaking out I’m so scared to leave those kids his siblings mean so much to me and I’m scared
He is being nice trying to get you to stay with him. Once he has succeeded he will revert back to his normal nasty self. Don't be fooled. You can still keep in touch with his siblings when you leave him if you want.
Do you have anywhere you can stay when you leave him where he can't trace you? He sounds like a narcissist (look it up) and is being very controlling. Narcs gaslight you, blame you for everything, control every aspect of your life, then when you try to leave lovebomb you which is what he is doing now. It's all a front to get you back.
Don't be like all those women who stay with men like this as your life will be a misery, and he could even harm you or any future kids you might have with him. It will be a nightmare.
Get help from family, friends, police if he tries to harm you but you must get out now. It's imperative. If you are scared now you are going to be much more scared the longer you leave it. When you leave block him on everything - all your social media accounts, your phone and everywhere.
He knows where my apartment is and where I work he knows everything I can’t hide from him I learned that last time I left and honestly I did this to myself I took him back like an idiot sometimes I feel like this is what I deserve
What would he do if he came to your apartment and you refused to let him in?
He has keys and last night he broke down crying and shaking and I don’t know I felt bad and sad so I’m still here he was really broken when I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to stay anymore
Change the lock. Do NOT fall for his crocodile tears. He will not change and you can't make him. Or at least make it a condition he goes for therapy or anger management to show he is serious about winning you back.
He is playing on your sympathies deliberately then when you are back with him he will revert back to his abusive self. You have experienced this once and it will be a rinse and repeat as long as you are with him. Please listen to me.
What if she really means the world to him? What if he just doesn’t know how to react? What if he struggles with talking? What if struggles with being misunderstood when he really means another thing? Sometimes we have to realize or comprehend just like women want equality and want men to treat them differently. There must be an understanding that all men are different just like all women are different Lex512 I really do think you should hear him out. Communicate with each other. Set something up? Come to a mutual agreement? Work on this together! Guide him! If you really care or love him build him sculpt him into something thy works for the both of you!
I see you are a male observer. Im with Hypercat. That guy needs therapy before he does any harm to anyone. The less contact is made is the way to go. The guy has erratic, yet predictable behavior. What would you do if it was your mother or daughter? Giving the benefit of the doubt could be fatal.IMHO
Female or male I’m not trying to bring genders or sexist cards here and I’m not disagreeing with anyone but the moves being suggested are way too much and don’t need to be like that I’m not defending the guys here honest that’s not what I’m here for but in the end the suggestions being made are asking for the couple to go through immense pain. I think out of experience we should encourage things to help the couple and not bring them down. Why is it always leave and not let’s work on it? C’mon people the woman is here asking for help guidance and from what we can see she obviously loves the guy enough to stay so why not give her encouragement and advice to help her make this work instead of trying to break them apart. I agree of there is violence then that is an automatic out the door for me as well but work things out!!! If there is anything you can get from me I just ask you try to figure something out before making any decisions that could end things that maybe weren’t fought for…
🙏
Yes I am with you here entirely. Men who are mentally abusive and controlling often turn to physical abuse and there are large numbers of women who are beaten and even murdered by men. Not saying it's never the other way round but men are physically stronger than women and consequently are more at risk.
Sorry but there are huge red flags here and I disagree entirely. No decent man who doesn't know how to react is mentally abusive. He is not shy or unsure of himself - he is making threats. He is controlling and clearly abusive. I am not saying he doesn't love her in his own way but this behaviour isn't the result of true love.
I find it concerning that any man would think this behaviour is a result of anything other than what it is. If a man posted about his partner displaying the same characteristics I would come to the same conclusions and give the same advice.
It's nothing to do with male/female but but personality types and this guy comes over as having narc traits. Women do too sometimes, but from what I have read the majority of narcs are male,
I was married to a mentally abusive man off and on for 16 years. I married him 3 times because I was stupid and had to keep going back because he would get our daughter. Him and his attorney wouldn't tell me when the court hearings were so he'd always get custody. I showed up one time and his attorney had court postponed. Also, I was afraid to leave because he hadn't let me work because of his jealousy. I didn't know how I'd live. I was raised in an alcoholic and very dysfunctional home so I guess I figured I couldn't do better. I'd been married 3 times before him and I threw the good ones away after 2 years and stuck with the mentally abusive one. He really did a number on me and my daughter. The mental abuse hurts worse than physical abuse.
You're the only one that can decide what to do and what is best for you. The abuse doesn't stop no matter how many times they say they'll change. I don't tell someone what to do because in the past I have and it just caused problems for me. Good luck to you.
I’m sorry I have been MIA thank you to everyone for the advice he was monitoring my phone so I couldn’t reply back I had to shut off the notifications for this app I agree with everyone and their opinions I love him and I’m trying his family means the world to me I don’t really have a family of my own I come from an abusive home with both my parents and a step parent I don’t have people who have my back and honestly I know his family does I’m afraid to walk away from that I came in here asking because I really don’t know what to do the guy I’m with is over bearing and controlling and the guy who is in love with me I’m afraid to give him the chance to show me he’s like everyone else and I know that’s wrong of me to assume every men I’m with will be like that but I’m scared so I stay with the abuse I’ve already come accustom too. I don’t know how to build myself back up to leave I really don’t I’m so scared to walk away everytime I think I will I think of how I’m gonna miss him
I'm not sure what you love about him? Is it is mental abuse, his controlling behaviour, his threats? Perhaps you could clarify it for me please.
It wasn’t always like this he was sweet in the beginning and every now and again we have a good times we laugh and just have fun we sing and joke with one another
It depends if the good times make up for the bad ones. Do you think they do?
Some days I do and others I blame myself for being so dumb and trusting that he would change I feel like an idiot but leaving gives me so much anxiety so the good days have to be worth all of this
Well I think anxiety now is much better than having several children by this man and being abused for the next how many years.
I have said what I think so it's up to you to choose your own course. Good luck.
You need to focus on what you want out of a relationship. If you're looking for friends with benefits great you're already there. If you want a long term commitment thing then you've got some work ahead. Approach this like a job interview. What is the type of job you want to hire this guy for? What qualifications does the applicant need? Like does he work or have his own income? Does he have a car, can he drive? If not why? If he's not driving because of his bad driving record -- ditch him at once! If he's not driving because he can't afford a car? Well, that will take some thinking. If he has a job but is not making much, is there opportunity for him to get a better job by promotion etc. We can be flexible on the driving thing. If he lives in the city maybe a car is an unnecessary expense. Does he like children? Pets? What kind? Can you live with the answers to these questions? Maybe you dont like children but he does. Will this be a problem down the road? Does he like cats? Dogs? Big or tiny dogs? Will your family like him? They don't have to but it is an issue that needs to addressed. You need your family to at least be nice to him. You need to make clear to all parties involved that this is your guy & you would love their support but don't need it. If they insist on being "unfriendly" they need to know how much this will hurt you. Remind them that if they are correct that this guy is bad news you're going to need them if things fall apart. But sabotages will not be tolerated.
What about his family? Will they respect you even maybe like you?
If this job interview is too much, you need to consider how ready are you for a committed relationship.
1. drink water, sit in a couch, breath in and out for a few 56 minutes2. listen to some music you know when your not happy but your trying to be happy music will help you with that.
3. write in a notebook with a pen
4. go walking , ' like i am a teenager girl and i know everything. you know boys are like that, as we girls have been not happy and has been worried we have to do the things we are happy about and just leave the boys, try to get your own bedroom and try to say you know what i really tried with this men , now i am gonna move on with my life and brake up with him, but i would not go that far i would just do the things i am happy about and tell that men my feelings and then move on, and see what he says,
as us girls, we are better then boys, we are smart, brave, always telling the truth, and always try hard, if i learned one thing from this, is tell the men that your afraid of what he is gonna do brake up with him, and then before all of that do number 1 and all of those stuff i said when you really go to that bedroom, or hotel,, you want to go far away from him, so he does not see you right? also love yourself and the sliblings , take them with you , take the dog too, i tried too i drinked water, and did everything cause my boyfriend broke up with me, his family hates me , you pretty much make him say sorry! but i know that there is lots of stuff messed up with boys, and us girls are brave and everything to just stand up and say some stuff , and then like do the stuff we can do happy with our lifes
At the end of the day you choose what you choose to do we are here to encourage you and give some type advice maybe some with experience maybe some without but could have a type of outward perspective. Consider it don’t make any hasty decisions without thinking everything through. Please reach out if you choose to seek other thoughts and perspectives
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