New Here - Fearful

[MayBallet]

Hi all. I’m relieved to have found this community. You seem warm and compassionate and I hope I can be a source of comfort to others.

I’ve had a very difficult time recently and my anxiety has manifested itself in ways I didn’t see coming.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after having been my mom’s sole caregiver for the last 2 years of her life. Now my nightmares have come back, not just about my mom’s end of life health but also my own assault. And I don’t know how much worse it’s going to get. I’m struggling to do some basic self care (breathing, stretching with some music), but since my heart isn’t in it, I can’t imagine it’s effective. I’m not sleeping or eating well and I desperately need to be able to concentrate…

My car was stolen, putting me in serious financial distress. I reached out to my only remaining immediate family member and they refused, saying that they were “not interested” in a relationship anymore. Now, this person has been slowly distancing themself from the family for years. I’ve worried that this very thing may happen someday, so I can’t say I’m surprised. The timing and situation make it especially painful though. There is more, but those are the big ones.

I’m doing my best to suppress the nightmares and memories during the day so I can just function and deal with insurance, legal decisions… but it takes such a monumental effort. I knew this would be stressful, but I didn't see this coming. I’m so worried I’m going to make a mistake because I’m distracted, exhausted, overwhelmed, alone.

[Fearoffear]

I understand where you are coming from I lost my mom 10 years ago. I am a caregiver for both of my son's and it is very trying on your anxieties. When my mom went I had to move, my daughter was acting out, my money source was gone and I sat and cried most days. When we became homeless I thought that would be my switch on to start taking responsibility that I needed to but instead I couldn't in my mind care less and started having panic attacks that would last hours. I got into grief counciling and family based therapy to get the family sorted. All I have left is me, my husband and kids as my sister decided she did not want to deal with me and my problems. I never told her I was anxious or about my panic attacks she just thought I always wanted money as I never asked for it not even when I was homeless. You sound burnt out and you never got to relax from the trauma. You sound like I did when I was diagnosed with PTSD from my mother's death and my sons' needs. If you need to talk I am here along with a lot of other good people here. Gentle hugs 🤗🤗

[MayBallet in reply to Fearoffear]

Hi. I’m so sorry to hear of everything you’ve gone through and still going through. I cannot imagine the stress you must have been under caring for your mom and children at the same time. Your family is very lucky to have you. I hope they take as good care of you as you do of them.

Like you, I never confided in my sister. She doesn’t know any of this and as I look back on everything, I’m glad she doesn’t know. She’s never been very supportive. I remember speaking with the hospice chaplain about my sister and I’ll never forget what she said. She told me seek out and cultivate friendships because they would be my family now. Even the chaplain saw it.

I can only speak for myself, but I think that caregiving is the most difficult thing I will ever do. You have given me something to think about. Was I burned out? Absolutely. How does it still impact me? Can unrelated events trigger PTSD? I don’t know yet.

Thank you for your kind words. The reassurance that I’m not alone means so much. Take care. 😘

[leaningonjesus]

i totally can relate with such huge things in life that happen one after the next, never letting up. and the empty alone feeling and as if it will never end. i found this community/ forum a few days ago too and so far seems like i great place- great people. if u ever need an ear or shoulder to lean on pls reach out~one thing thats so hard, almost impossible, is to realize the truth that you are not alone even though it feels that way, and the feelings are so so real. wishing you peace and blessings today.

[MayBallet in reply to leaningonjesus]

Hi. I'm so glad you found your way here too. Thanks, I will try to remember your advice. Hope you have a nice weekend. 😘