So I'm just babbling, I don't know that I expect anyone to read all of my ramblings or reply, but I do think it'd help to write out what's in my head. There's always the chance someone will find some part of it useful.
I was having a difficult time yesterday and I've come to the conclusion that I repress things far too much to the point that I'll end up having a panic attack.
One of the things I'll do when I feel anxious is tweezing out facial hair, I know it may sound odd but it's not harmful, it gives me a distraction to focus on and it reminds me of how people might snap a rubber band on their wrist as a distraction. I couldn't help but notice that my pupils would dilate and contract, not super rapidly but often enough that it was really freaking me out. I have been taking Lexapro (5mg ) for about a month now and I think it's probably just a side effect of that, but not knowing what's causing it and then worrying led me into having a bad panic attack. I tried to call the one person I knew who'd be around but didn't get in touch with them, all the other friends I could contact were probably at work at the time and I really didn't know what to do. I ended up calling 911 and had a paramedic and police officer come out, I guess the police officer is just a standard thing to make sure everything's okay first. One of the paramedics was taking my blood pressure and mentioned that it was pretty high and that I needed to get it down or it might lead to a stroke... this is not a great thing to tell someone who is prone to panic attacks and is in the midst of one. My temperature was elevated but they said my house was kinda stuffy and I'd been pacing around getting worked up so it was all normal. I refused to go to the hospital, I hardly ever leave my house and in the midst of having a panic attack, the idea of being in the back of an ambulance to a hospital far away (I live in the country) scared the hell out of me.
Eventually, I calmed down somewhat and the paramedic took my blood pressure again. At first, he said "I'll tell you what, I'm not even going to tell you the numbers"... he took a reading then said "okay I'm less worried now" and ended up telling me the numbers, which were much lower.
Everyone was so kind but I felt so awkward about the whole situation and couldn't stop apologizing. I'm kind of stuck in a difficult situation for someone with my issues, I'm not close to any resources that would be helpful and I've had such a hard time getting out lately. I can't stop feeling bad about "bugging" these kind folk, even though they kept saying don't apologize, it's okay that's what we're here for, we're being paid by the hour, etc... super cool guys.
I was writing down my thoughts today, basically talking to myself and I came to the conclusion that I tend to repress my concerns rather than working through them. So often I'll have a panic attack and tell myself to just ignore the bothersome little things I encounter and I've read a number of times about people saying "just accept it"... I'm not sure how to do that. Okay I'm freaking out, I'm afraid, I have a lot of concerns, valid or not... how the heck can I acknowledge that and just allow it to happen when it's not a choice?
I'm doing my best today to get acknowledge some negative influences and thoughts as well as get rid of them, somehow. I made a Dr's appointment to get my blood pressure checked, I know I should be on medication for it. I feel a little lost at the moment, despite knowing what I need to do. I guess I know where I'm supposed to be heading, I'm just feeling too overwhelmed and unsure how I'll get there.
Bad Panic Attack (ongoing)
Panic attack?
Panic attack 
Had another panic attack
