Am I being attacked?

What's wrong with me. I can't tell thou if hou don't say what's going on! What's going on? I don't know. You're hopeless. Talking to myself. Not to anyone else. Please just don't misunderstand me. Everyone misunderstands me when I try to talk. No one understands me. So don't talk. No I have to. Well be ready to be disappointed. Gosh dang it I hate myself.

[venusofthenorth]

I'd love to help if I could know more about the problem, but unless you'd like to it's possible you should see a professional first.

[Hidden in reply to venusofthenorth]

I would love to be able to say so I could get help but I can't. What is wrong with me? No one can know. Because I don't know.

[Hidden in reply to venusofthenorth]

There are no professionals that I know of. I don't believe in people. Im sorry im rude. Im sorry for replying to you about myself. I shouldn't say anything.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No im not rude. Yes you are

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You're stupid. The now everyone can see how stupid hou are and all they'll do is tell you you aren't stupid be nicer to yourself but really you can't and you're worthless.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Please stop me from thinking anymore

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

How about just stop replying to yourself

[Hb2003]

Hello i am here for you ☺️❤️🙏

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

Hi

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

I have been seeing that you type your inner dialogue and I sometimes feel that way too your not alone 🙏

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

I feel like I'm exploding out

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

you need to redirect those negative thoughts ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

Toward what?

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

You need to say no i am not stupid Write down the negative thought for example if you think that your not worthy write i am worthy it helps a lot when i have those negative thoughts

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

Ok

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

Hopefully it will work for you ☺️🙏

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I am not sure what you are looking for. If you are really having these conversations with yourself, that may be a sign of something bigger than an online support group should tackle. The phrases need to be replaced with alternative, positive messages. If your brain is racing, you need to slow it down. Look up breathwork. I don’t know what it means not to believe in people. You posted into a group of people. Make the call and get to a therapist.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Yeah. I'm really sorry, I feel a little bad for writing all of these past posts. Honestly, part of it was I was hoping for people to understand me for me to not feel so alone. Another part was because my mind was going crazy and I didn't know what to do and doing nothing but lying down with just my thoughts in my head was overwhelming so I couldn't keep to myself. I agree that I have problems that are too big for a sport group like this to help me with. But it's just hard because I trust people in this setting a lot more than doctors to be able to help me and I was just hoping for miracle people to help me because they love me and are good people. I am grateful for everyone who replies to me no matter what it is because it is a kind thing to help someone feel heard, in this case me. I just feel bad like I'm wasting nice people's time. I don't like focusing on myself especially asking for people's attention. I just feel a strong desire to have attention like it's a need that's not being met. I don't know though. I just don't like asking for help. Oh a therapist. I don't have one. I don't know how to find one that wouldn't make me feel really uncomfortable. I also don't, well I don't have any income and my insurance is going to be run out this month. I haven't taken action on any of those things. There's a strong part of me that is resisting searching for a job. There's a strong part resisting doctors. Ok well im going to drive myself crazy again if i don't stop trying to figure things out again.

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for explaining.These nice people would not be here reading and responding if they did not want to, so never think of it as a waste of anyone’s time.

Some people say, “ I am just venting” and some are seeking responses. Getting out of your head always helps. I think we were unclear what you were looking for.

If you are in the US - you would qualify for Medicaid.

If you are in the UK - just put the word out saying you are losing insurance and ask for resources. Admin also has resources for the UK.

If you are somewhere else, put it in the title

So many therapists now have online or phone service, that may be a place to start. I had trouble starting, but ever since then, I have tried to get good fits, asked them to focus on certain things, gave them my journal to read, etc. It is a safe place.

At least getting a diagnosis would help, because you could then self research. What kind of work would you do? Is your disability preventing work? Getting a diagnosis may open financial resources, too.

Good luck. Check in once in a while.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Thanks. I'm feeling pretty defeated right now. I've tried to get started with the better help resource. The only one I was willing to spend my time and money on, but because of my recent thoughts of suicide, it told me that it didn't think this resource was the best thing I could do. So either I have to lie about the past two weeks or else I have to wait until it's been two weeks between suicidal thinking before I try it again but by that time I feel like why should I? Until I'm feeling like it again. I've done that a few times... I think it has been two weeks now before I've had suicidal thinking so maybe I should try again but I honestly don't believe this is what they intended. I know they intended for me to be safe and everything but really they just pushed me to get over it on my own. And that's what I've been doing to myself... they do say call crisis line, which I do but really that makes me quite more depressed that I'll never talk to the same person again. I really don't think they want me on better help... I would be way too difficult I'm sure... I don't know what to do with myself.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

And I text crisis line way too much. It's like the only thing I can actually force myself to do. I guess besides texting here. The only times I try to talk to people about my mental health.

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to Hidden]

My sister was a counselor on a crisis line and she had people call and ask specifically for her. She definitely had regulars.

I have also been in a lot of self-help closed groups on FB. They do free 2-7 day webinars you can watch live or on replay. Are you in the UK time zone? I get a ton of ads on them because I attended some. I can alert you when I see a good one.

Did you say if you tried to contact the Health Unlocked admin for suggestions? The US is so different in the process and language of getting help for mental health.

Do you journal? You said you can text. Can you keep a list of three things in a journal (digital is fine)? Try it for 1 week. (1) Date: Today I am grateful for ... name 1 or 2 things you are grateful for (big or small, action by a person or something that coincidentally happened, etc) (2) Today I was able to .... list 1 thing you intended to do and actually did, and (3) A win I had today was .... list anything positive that happened. (made the bed, made the bus on time, I recognized when I was starting to get grouchy, etc. (these are pretty general.)

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

That is a wonderful idea. I'm in Eastern US time zone. I did contact the Admin, yes. I don't think the US knows what's its doing about mental health. Everyone's just scrambling around... Or they think they know everything. But most people are like me, not knowing really what to do.

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to Hidden]

I am CST. The US is totally overwhelmed with COVID anxiety overload. There should be more programs for you to access, now.

You said you were losing insurance? Are you working? I have Marketplace. I get a subsidy and pay about $120 instead of the $700. I also qualify for Medicaid because I am not working due to COVID and injuries from a car accident.

County hospitals and county Department of Health should be your first stop w/o insurance. They have a ton of resources. I was connected up with an employment group that specializes in helping people with a disability.

I have spent the last year researching how to get myself out of my funk...to reinvent myself.

Do you like podcasts and YouTubes for self help? I have a whole list of cool ones.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

I'm not working anymore because I didn't have the energy so I quit. Quietly, right after I got over having covid at the beginning of the year. I'd been thinking of quiting for quite a long time and I just decided I'd held on long enough with it to know I shouldn't be working there anymore. I'm losing insurance because I'm turning 26 and will be automatically kicked off my dad's policy. I really have no idea about insurance other than you have to have it and you have to pay it every month and it sometimes pays part of the medical expenses if you have any, but you can't see any doctor without it. It just seems not quite right. So I never was interested in learning about insurance. And somehow I could get insurance through a job and they'll take money out of my paychecks to pay the insurance that might not benefit me. I don't really believe in those insurances. It makes me feel uneasy and I don't trust them. I'd have to know everything about how it works so I don't get caught in some sort of trap that I didn't know about. I don't want to be disappointed.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

I like YouTube. I haven't really listened to podcasts. Are there free ones?