I was watching “Life of Marwen” last night, i had been waiting to watch it for a while so when I finally saw it on Netflix I was over the moon.
I admittedly did cry quite a bit, it’s not a total downer movie but it is pretty constant.
At one point near the end of the movie (I’m not going to saw what scene because I don’t wanna spoil it for those who do want to watch it) I had something of an epiphany.
Anyone on here who has been following me long enough or who I’ve talked to knows that my ex royally screwed me up in a plethora of ways to the point where I was scared of leaving my house unless I had a posse.
In this moment, I realized that everything he had put me through had nothing to do with me but rather, had to do with him.
Every memory of him being teased about his appearance or how much he bullied his brother for “being gay” (his brother wasn’t at the time but he did just come out but I’m not sure what his orientation is as I don’t talk to anyone in that family anymore) and how his family, his ENTIRE family all teased his brother because they all believed he was gay even though my ex apparently has come out as bisexual, something again he bullied others for (isn’t that always the way?) everything started to make sense.
I’m not saying that these are the only reasons why he did what he did, I’m not that naïve and I’m not excusing the abuse he puts all of his gf’s through either because god knows he does that and is sadly a master of the craft but it does shed some light on why he does some things.
He is a bad person but at the same time I do feel sorry for him, knowing that he doesn’t think he can be himself or be who he wants to be in fear of more ridicule from those around him.
I had next to no self-esteem when we started dating so I was an easy target but looking back, I had the things he didn’t; friends who didn’t treat me (entirely) like shit, a loving and supportive family, a “take no shit” attitude and despite the low self-esteem, I was still pretty content.
Maybe I’m way off base but to me and the fact that I had known him for half of my life, 12 years to be exact, it seemed to make sense.
I feel like I finally got the closure I wanted even though it’s not exactly what I thought it would be.
It may only be a day so far but I find myself not feeling bitter or blaming him or myself for what had transpired between us and that’s pretty major for me.
I hope that someday he can finally be whoever he wants to be, or who he truly is without feeling insecure or fearful of whatever may be thrown his way but he also has to learn and own up to his own mistakes. I’m not perfect and the word perfect is stupid because it doesn’t exist but I’m slowly getting to the point where I’m learning to be okay with myself, again, something pretty major for me.
Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass and this is just another false moment of clarity and that I’ll fall back down the proverbial rabbit hole of regret and whatever else but this time; I feel lighter and surprisingly more hopeful.
Sorry this is so long and for the language, I actually swear a LOT in real life, enough to make a sailor and a truck driver blush 😅
I think I’m finally letting go and moving on.
Have I got a right to be angry?
Stress In relationship: Are my boyfriend’s issues normal/ healthy or no?
Feeling a bit anxious and conflicted. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Jerk speaks...again
Sharing my Story to get it off my chest tonight 
