Is it time for me to go home?

[CountZero]

So this is a personal question for sure, but I need an unbiased opinion, so I thought that I would pose it to y'all. Here's the situation: I've been staying at my sister's place for the past three weeks. The reason that I began staying here was because my depression had gotten so bad that I was staying in bed pretty much all day and I was barely feeding myself. I hadn't talked to my family, other than my sister, in about a year. I had basically stopped talking to my friends too. I had no job, and given this, I had to drop out of school. In short, I let my life completely fall apart and was doing nothing to put it back together. I felt extremely guilty about all of this, and I had backed myself into a dangerous corner. I was thinking about suicide everyday. I couldn't escape from the thought. Then my grandpa died... Except for my sister, my family lives halfway across the country from me. Needless to say, I wasn't going to make it back for the funeral. I received the news of my grandpa's death via text message. I still couldn't bring myself to call because of the extreme guilt that I was feeling. I pretty much broke down at this point. My sister had been trying to get a hold of me because she worries about me incessantly. I finally responded to her and filled her in on my situation. We both decided that it would be best if I stayed at her place for a while. In my stay here I've reconnected with my family. I now speak with them once a week and, as a failsafe, I told them to call me if I don't reach out to them on a specified day. I've contacted a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with depression. I'm in the process of trying to get on antidepressants. I'm still trying to arrange for a therapist to meet with regularly. My sister took it upon herself to make sure that I began eating enough to start putting weight back on. I've recently come into some money due to my tax return, and so I'm no longer broke for the first time in months. I've also managed to maintain sobriety for this entire three week period. What I'm leading to here is that I feel like it's time for me to stand on my own once more. I feel this way because I believe that the best way for me to learn to take care of myself once more is through practice. I recognize that the support of my sister and her husband has been invaluable during this period, but I can't just let them take care of me forever. They also have a tendency to stress me out, and give me the impression that my spending time alone is somehow detrimental to my recovery. I don't feel like they appreciate the fact that I'm an extreme introvert, and I need a fair amount of me-time in order to recharge from being around them so much. Sorry, I realize that this is a lot to absorb... Anyway, I had the idea that I should pick a day soon for me to return home. I mean, the return is just as important a step in the journey as the departure, right? How do y'all feel about this decision? I would really appreciate any input. It's hard for me to approach this kind of thing with my family, as I don't want to seem unappreciative or rude, you know? In my opinion, they basically saved my life. I owe them more than I could ever repay.. If y'all would be so kind, I would greatly appreciate any comments or concerns. I can't stress how much it would mean to me. Thank you for hearing me out.

[hypercat54]

There is an old saying 'There is only 1 thing better than guests - and that is when they go home. I have found this to be very true.

It's clear that your sister and brother in law think the world of you but if you are feeling well enough then go home. They will be sorry to see you go and obviously will worry about you, but on the other hand I should imagine they will be pleased to have their privacy back too.

It's not like you will be on the other side of the world from them as you will still be able to visit. And don't forget you can zoom with them too. Think about these and tell them you will be fine coz they are bound to be worried about you and tell them this.

That's my advice for what it's worth anyway. I hope it's helpful.

[CountZero in reply to hypercat54]

I'm inclined to agree with you. As much as I'm sure that they enjoy my company, I believe they want me to get back to a normal life; as do I. I'll discuss this with them first before I just tell them my decision. Of course I want to know their own feelings on the matter. I know that they want what is best for me just the same as I do. Thank you for replying to me. I truly appreciate your advice. 🙂

[Hidden]

Want to talk?

[CountZero in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Lolo. Yeah, honestly it would be nice to talk with someone outside of my friend/family circle. I really appreciate you offering your support. 🙂

[Hidden in reply to CountZero]

Hello?

[Hidden]

You have made huge progress in getting help and looking after yourself too. Well done, it takes a strong person to do that.

I understand that you want to move out of your sisters because you need space, that’s normal and as an introvert myself, I relate. Have you spoken to your sister about moving back? It sounds like living with her is good for you just now. Where will you move too, will you live with others or on your own? If you are going to live on your own, do you think it might help to get a pet so it gives you company without feeling the burden of people?

[CountZero in reply to Hidden]

I've always thought of myself as a weak person to be honest. I felt like it was my own weakness that resulted in my being in this position to begin with. I'm starting to understand that my weakness is actually an illness though. I don't think that I was recognizing it for what it was, and that made it difficult for me to admit that I had a real problem and ask for help. I didn't want to be a burden, you know? I'm determined to not suffer silently anymore though.

I actually have a place to go back to. I have two roommates who have a dog. I explained to them, when I left, my reason for going. They've been supportive of my decision. I'm lucky to count them among my friends. I was glad to finally be upfront with them about what I was struggling with. They must've known that I was having a very hard time of things, as I hardly ever came out of my room. I fully intend to talk about this with my sister before making a decision. They've been so helpful to me. They have a right to know my feelings.

I would very much like to have a cat once more. It's been years since I had one. My last cat got leukemia with no hope of recovery. I made the decision to have her euthanized. I haven't been able to forgive myself for allowing the circumstances that led to this. I hated myself for it. I haven't been able to convince myself that I deserve to take care of another animal. It's funny, I actually had a dream the other night that my sister got me a cat. Like she was trying to tell me that I need to learn to accept the love and responsibility of an animal once more. I'm just not sure if I'm ready.

I really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much for your kindness. ❤️

[Hidden]

It's great that you feel ready to be back on your own again, but try to do that in stages. It's important to have some kind of support.💖

[CountZero in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for replying. I'm very grateful for your advice. I think I appreciate where you're coming from. I do feel as though I'm putting pressure on myself to get my shit together for fear of being a burden on them. They've been pushing me to continue making progress, as I struggle to motivate myself. It's like, I get periods of motivation every so often where I make good progress. Then there are times when I just really struggle with it. Like, when I encounter difficulty or am faced with a complex task, I get discouraged and have a hard time moving forward. When they ask how things are progressing with me, I take it like they're disappointed in how I'm doing. Like, instead of recognizing that they're trying to be helpful, I take it as if they're nagging me for being lazy or something. I don't truly believe that to be the case though. I think that's just me being to hard on myself. In the moment it's difficult for me to view things objectively, and so I take it personally since I'm already frustrated with having hit a wall or whatever.

[Hidden]

Are you ready to make that step towards moving out? Will you be able to continue to support yourself afterwards. Is your health going to continue to get better? If you feel positive about all these questions then I think you're ready. Maybe have a fallback plan if something doesn't pan out.

[CountZero in reply to Hidden]

I do worry about the fact that I have no guarantee that things will continue improving for me. I think that might be part of the reason why I thought to make this post. I don't want to slip back into the state I was in before my stay here. I will definitely talk this out with my sister before I make a decision. I appreciate your advice. Thank you. 🙂

[Hidden in reply to CountZero]

No problem I'm glad you will talk before all this happens. Have to have a plan "just in case"it happens. Good luck to you.

[Hidden]

From what you told us, I would agree that it's probably time for you to go back out on your own. But only do it if you're fairly certain you can succeed. Ending up in bed a second time could be worse than the first.

[froggymom88]

I'm so glad you are doing better but remember that you are not 100% yet. If you decide to leave please be sure you have a plan in place for success. Stay in daily contact with your sister and please consider therapy if you are not already seeing a therapist. It would also be good to come here and let us know how you are doing.

[CountZero in reply to froggymom88]

You're right. I know that I have a long ways to go still. I feel awkward about staying here so long though. I don't know where I should be at progress wise. I guess that's really up to me to decide. I was told by the psychiatrist I spoke with that I am the one who understands my condition the best, as I have the most insight into my own feelings and emotions. I'm just feeling torn right now about what I should be doing. I feel like my sister and her husband have their own expectations about what I should be doing, and then I have my own. I don't want to disappoint them, but I also feel that I need to move at the pace that is best for me. This puts pressure on me that makes it hard to feel good about myself. I recognize that I've made good progress these past three weeks, but at the same time I can't seem to feel good about myself. Like, there's always something that I'm not doing, or something that I'm doing wrong, and so I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere even though I have. It's been frustrating; like I've hit a wall or something. It makes me feel unsure of myself, you know? Thanks for hearing me out. I'm very grateful for your advice.

[Choctawgirl]

I wish you the best, however, please, please make sure you have some kind of therapy in place for your depression before you leave. The suicide thing really stuck to me! U have got to take care of yourself before you go back? Is it possible to see your therapist a few times before going back on your own? Please keep in touch with your family! I hope you can reconnect with your friends. I hope they can be helpful. If not, we are always here!! Please make sure you are ok with yourself before you try to handle the bigger things. The introvert thing, I get it to a point, although I'm an extrovert. The only way I can relate is when I leave work. I just want peace and quiet until I get home and take a nap. Then after, I'm a born again extrovert haha!

Please reach out to us!!!

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[CountZero in reply to Choctawgirl]

Hey, thanks for replying to me. I've actually decided to stick it out at my sister's for a little while longer. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really wasn't ready to be alone. I think I was just stressed from everything that was going on with me, and I was having a hard time handling it all. I really just wanted to have a normal life again. I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that my recovery is going to take a long time. I guess I also felt that people had their own ideas about what I should be doing and where I should be in my recovery. I feel like my desire to return home was more just me wanting to escape from the stress I was feeling. I was just looking to isolate myself again. Thank you for sharing your concerns with me. I appreciate your kindness.

[Choctawgirl in reply to CountZero]

I'm so glad for you! Don't let anyone tell you when your recovery should be done! It's your time to do what's best for you, but you have to WANT to get better. Noone can do it for you. Please keep us posted! Hugs!