Hurting Update/Asking For Help

[Dragon3695]

Last night after I posted my entry Hurting things got a lot worse. I ended up sitting and talking with my roommate a second time about my emotions and everything I was feeling at that time. That conversation took a bit of a break while we put little man to bed. When it started back up she asked how I was doing and if I thought I would call apart again if she opened up and talked to me about something she had to get off her chest. I answered honestly at the time saying I might cry but I should be okay and then she proceeded to tell me she no longer trusted me with her personal life/affairs because of a seriously stupid decision I had made involving her and her privacy. She told then went on to explain that she got even more upset afterward when she asked me to do something to help her feel like I actually cared about her feelings and I blindly refused even after she straight up told me to get out when she needed I refused and thought of myself more and tried to find a compromise which works. I didn't realize how this effected her sense of privacy and her trust that I cared about her feelings wants needs at all. When she explained it last night and it sank in I felt like dog shit. I apologized and vowed to fix things and of course as hurt as she is she doesn't know how I can. I then started spiralling worse which led to the topic of mental wards because of how bad I have been lately. I hate mental hospitals because I feel they have never helped and we started arguing and it continued until she told me she didn't believe I wouldn't hurt myself if i got that bad again and she didn't trust me not to try committing suicide. She then proceeded after I stupidly kept refusing to see her side to walk to the bathroom and dump everything that I could use to hurt myself pull or liquid wise down the drain. After that and an ultimatum from her I just cracked and balled me eyes out asking for help and promising to do whatever it takes to get better. So now I'm looking into nearby mental wards hospitals however you wanna say it. My asking for help from anyone who reads this is basically for support and any additional treatments or options you might know of so I can do some research to see what I think would help me on top of going to a hospital. When I promise something someone I care for as much as my roommate I will do whatever it takes within my power to keep that promise and.this is no exception. She deserves to not feel like me hurting myself is a knife dangling over her head just ready to fall. Whatever it takes!

[bonkers65]

Your room mate sounds like a good friend. You're lucky. If you go into the hospital I hope it helps you.

[Survivor4Ever]

First I commend you for opening up here and being so vulnerable because it’s hard to open up to people and trust anyone. Secondly, I would say it starts with you when your ready to go and really try this time and participate in the programs. I feel for you.. Sorry your going through this. Thirdly, try to imagine/put yourself in her shoes and see this from her side. However, I’m not saying she’s innocent. But the more we let people treat us bad the more we become victims and get that mentality that we are helpless, feel worthless, like no one cares for us. However, we are valuable!! But you must remember it’s not your fault you deal with mental issues but you can get help but you have to want to go talk to someone or a doctor. Are you seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, on medication, it sounds like you are in a tough spot but don’t feel bad hang in there . It will and can get better. It’s up to you to accept it. Suicide is serious, please know you can not be replaced by anyone . Not sure if any of my words helped. Just my thoughts

[Survivor4Ever]

There are therapist, doctors or call of you feel suicidal 1-800-273-8255

[Dragon3695]

First when it comes to my roommate, she is hands down my best friend and one amazing young lady. Hence why I've fallen in love with her. Second she isn't causing me this pain intentionally. She goes above and beyond to help me and try not to make things worse for me even to her own detriment at times. Last yes I'm currently on meds, seeing a shrink, and seeing a therapist. They help but it isn't currently enough. I'm looking for other options for treatments that might work better for me

[Survivor4Ever in reply to Dragon3695]

You can do this!

[ThePurpleTulip]

Hello Dragon3695 ! You probably tried every strategy to feel better because you are currently seeing a shrink and a therapist, but how much success have you had in disengaging from your thoughts and accepting your emotions ? Your therapist probably already helped you with this, the greatest breakthrough for me was learning to focus on my emotions and not my thoughts. The thoughts that pop into our mind are uncontrollable, that is the nature of the human mind (example, if we try not to think of a white bear, all we will think about is a white bear) - however, we have immense control over how much we engage with the thoughts. What I noticed in my case was that I was too focused on my thoughts and not enough on my emotions. Focusing on emotions is actually easy with practice, because emotions are bodily sensations. Feelings then arise in the mind depending not how we think about the emotions. Therefore, thoughts and emotions contribute to how you're feeling in any given moment. So finally when we break it down, we just have to disengage from the thoughts that don't serve us, and accept our emotions. I am sorry if it sounded a little cold, but it really really helped me, and my therapist was amazing in guiding me through the journey which was admittedly long and hard. Blessings to you.

[Hidden]

How are you there? I really like that you are doing something about your tough situation. You seem to be in bad spot right now. I see you have tried many things as others have mentioned but I also think your friend is helping you, she is a good person for doing that. What I feel though is that since you have feelings for her, that might be tough to heal until the heart get what it wants. However a mental hospital is recommended. Someone here also raised the subject of dealing with thoughts and emotions. While you are at the hospital, please also try to deal with your thoughts and emotions. We are here for you when you come back incase you can't talk while there.