I lowkey feel like my 2021 is already worse than my 2020

[teen_anxiety]

I have things I am doing rn that are making me happy but also a lot of things that are making me sad. I will explain but first some background info. I have never been very lucky in the friendship category I've always had a lot of friends and associates but never really any close friends like the ones that everyone is always talking about. I have also had some fake friends or friendships end badly and a few enemies. It did not help that in 2020 my phone broke and I was not able to contact very many of them. I became scared of what it would be like between me and my friends that I hang out with in school after not being able to talk to them in about a year knowing that they may have been chatting often over text that whole time. I was still able to talk to a few friends in other ways that did not require my phone and thru that, I grew closer to 2 of my friends last year they became my best friends (even if we could not hang out all the time). They were both guys and I realized that I prefer guy friends over girls because they are less drama. They were the kind of friends I mentioned above the ones everyone is talking about, the ones you see on Insta or Pinterest. They would listen to my drama and not judge. they would take time to help and support me. So 2020 turned out good for me b/c I grew closer to 2 people and found the friends that I know will last and the kind of people I needed in my life. Well come 2021 and I got in trouble for being on here and for the post I posted asking what's wrong with me b/c I was depressed when there was nothing to be depressed about. I was told that she was gonna take me to the doctors (which is not entirely bad but I don't necessarily need medication just therapy I would rather talk about it and work thru it myself than depend on medication.) Then I found out the official date that my friend is gonna move, heard that the other one is going away for the summer (it's for a job so I am proud of him but that means I will have no one for the summer) and this morning I found out that a friend I was close to when I was young (her family moved so if they had not moved we would still probs be close) has passed away. I also had my first real anxiety attack the other day. I have had mini attacks before b/c I was overwhelmed but nothing like this. I started hyperventilating and almost broke down crying and I was shaking just a little. Despite everything, I still have not been able to cry about any of them.

Now to end on a good note I am writing a book about a girl with problems like mine and others on here I decided to title it behind the scenes of my life. I also started a business designing clothes to supporting mental health. Since so many on here say I am good at that I felt I should do something more about it and I am passionate about fashion so I combined my talents to create something amazing. (Although the person I am buying thru (to have the designs I come up with printed on t-shirts and sweatshirts) has not gotten back t me with prices and stuff so it's not going so hot rn.) the name of the business is mentally fashionable and the motto is don't just look pretty feel pretty too.