Chaos.

[Wolfhoundwildling]

I need help.

I’m spiraling and I can feel it getting out of control. I live in a country where mental illness is explained away with “spirituality” by really decent, salt of the earth folks. They say they understand, maybe I should talk about it... but I don’t want to talk about it... because there isn’t anyone who can really REALLY understand. And that is my deepest trigger. That I am around well meaning people who just don’t ... GET IT.

I spoke to my mom about this (really just opened up all the depressive ugliness of my mind without holding anything back) for the first time and I saw how overwhelming it was for her, it triggered her own deep seated traumas and I just ended up making the poor woman weep when that wasn’t my intention. I understand her feeling this way; I am her only child, she has had great hopes for me but one of them certainly wasn’t for me to have chemical imbalances in my brain which basically rob me of feeling normal.

So I cannot really talk to her and explain the extent of the pain I’m in more than I already have because I only end up causing her more pain. Yet I NEED HELP!

I can’t talk to my boss - who’s also a good friend - about it because I’m worried he might decide I’m not fit enough to work on the many projects we’ve planned out. I need the distraction of work so at least I can look forward to making money to care for myself.

I really don’t even have friends I can turn to and truly pour this out. I’ve always felt left out and misunderstood - and now I realize it’s because I’m a miserable sack of a black hole which literally sucks the joy from every room when I decide to be myself because I’m tired of putting on the socially acceptable mask of ‘normalcy’ just to fit in - or turned into the one who gets the group’s good natured teasing; which for a chronically depressed person doesn’t feel good natured at all... so I decided to remove myself from these situations, accept that it is my fault that I cannot fit in and I cannot blame others for not getting me; and finally be alone.

Sadly, ‘Alone’ seems to be backfiring these days cos it doesn’t seem to be working anymore, I feel like maybe I’m losing touch with just how to relate with regular people.... normal people... sane people. That’s just the issue. It makes me feel like giving up, I think about it a lot, but I know I will never let that darkness swallow me, because I KNOW what my problem is. I’m sick. It’s not because I’m a failure even though I feel that way all the time, it’s not because I’m unloved, that would be untrue, it’s not because I’m worthless regardless of all the hormones swirling around in my brain basically making me FEEL that way... I KNOW what the problem is and I need help, professional help. Therapy. But, in this country? I don’t know... I don’t know if I can get THE RIGHT therapy here. I don’t know if there are therapists that can handle the muddle that my brain currently is.

I’m so tired of this constant psychological pain which translates very easily into emotional, physical and spiritual pain. I’m tired. Beyond belief. This tiredness is the kind I feel inside of my bones, I feel it when I close my eyes for a brief moment. These suicidal thoughts I have, worry the very few people who know because they assume I’ll snap and do it.

I won’t. I know why I’m feeling like this. I know that this is as a result of the illness afflicting me. My brain does nothing but flood my whole body with all kinds of negative hormones because the controls are faulty. The regulators in my brain have short circuited, so when I should just be in a mood to relax and admire a flower garden, I feel like I’m stuck alone in the desert, about to die of thirst.

I’m tired. Of feeling one way and having to put on a different face to keep those around me comfortable.

I’m tired of waking up in the morning feeling like my life has come to an end and I’m a complete failure and my mother has just died and no one will ever love me because I’m crazy ... I’m tired of the burden of the emotions of these thoughts.

Tired of having to remind myself that me feeling like I’ve done something to deserve this sort of torture is just my mind playing tricks on me because of the illness.

I’m tired of waking up tired. I’m tired of constantly fighting tears over little things, I’m tired of feeling like I’m worthless because I cannot find gratitude for what I have when there are those who have less than me, living their lives happy. I’m tired of feeling like an ingrate. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay just because I don’t want to come off weak or seeking attention when “everyone is suffering too.” I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I’m tired of a broken mind which only thinks about things others give fleeting thought to; When will this planet die? Why don’t we see that we are killing ourselves? Why did we ever create the concept of ‘Money’? How can people who are so rich, sleep at night knowing that there are people who are so poor they sleep seated on the floor because there’s no space to stretch out...why should I worry about Antarctica melting and African Metropolises getting so hot, skin peels! when it isn’t even something people talk about with any sense of urgency... why should I have a mind that thinks we really are nothing but biological pieces of the same organism and we are no different from one another, and feel crazy for believing that all of humanity holds the same validity of existence...

I’m tired of things that don’t even make sense to me yet they make sense. I just want to have some peace. I just want to live; somehow, without all of this pain, without this tiredness... I’m so incredibly tired.

I may be weak for “letting myself feel that way” if that’s how it is viewed by those who say they do not understand or care to understand, well... it’s alright. I accept it. I’m weak. It’s okay then.

I’m tired and that’s just the end of it.

🖤

Ps: I’m sorry if this triggers. I just want somewhere to be truly honest and not hide words or be diplomatic. If you’re feeling these things, I pray we get through it. One step at a time I guess....

[Hidden]

Hi, I see you are new here. Welcome, this is a great place to find support and sympathy! Your post is spot on and I love how well you express yourself. I relate to so much of what you’re saying. Realizing that the problem is real and that you need help is a struggle in itself, so congratulations on making it this far! You expressed some interest in therapy. If you don’t trust the therapists in your country, maybe online therapy would be an option...? I totally understand feeling like talking to your mom isn’t the best option. And I also feel alone, but we can be alone... together.

Anyway, best wishes and remember, you can get through this! It’s ok to feel like this, it’s temporary, you can heal. This too shall pass.

[Wolfhoundwildling in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for even reading all that... tbh I was in tears writing it but it felt like a cement block lifted off my chest just to be able to get it out. I appreciate you so much for your kind words. Feels somewhat better to find such empathy.🙏🏾

[Hidden in reply to Wolfhoundwildling]

I’m glad expressing yourself here helped somewhat. Writing is a great way to express yourself/relieve your feelings and this is a good place to vent! I’m happy to lend a listening ear, if it helps even a little bit. I know sometimes we just need someone to talk to. All the best. 🙂

[Hidden]

Wow! is what I will say first. I am so sorry all that is in your head. You are most definitely not weak and I'm sorry if you've been told that. It would be remiss of us to say that we fully understand your situation, but we do understand. Welcome to a supportive community!😊

[Wolfhoundwildling in reply to Hidden]

Thank you very much. I feel calmer to have found this site. I’m grateful for your empathy.🙏🏾

[Hidden in reply to Wolfhoundwildling]

That is great news!! It is nice to find others who are as close to understanding as can be!🙂

[Marysblue]

I'm so glad you're in this group. The only place I've ever found where people truly understand what depression is like. What you wrote from your heart is the absolute definition of depression. I have felt the same way so many times. Thankfully it has gotten better for now. Don't lose hope you can get better. We're all doing the best we can. Life is difficult even if you don't have depression so I feel like we are absolute Warriors to make it through. Our struggles can teach us how to help others. Keep on searching for the right therapist , treatment.

[Wolfhoundwildling in reply to Marysblue]

Thank you. I’m trying. I really am. It’s not easy to not give in to feeling useless sometimes because of circumstances and certain situations, but I’ve held on to a personal mantra which has helped me a lot, it’s a giant dose of positivity that on most days isn’t necessarily felt but I don’t stop reaffirming it to myself. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

[Hidden]

Wow, you really said a lot there!!!! You're tired of fighting it, I get it. I will tell you as someone who has bipolar disorder that it isn't easy either to constantly see psychiatrists and get put on all these weird medications that don't always help, I get tired of all of that too. And therapy can be helpful but a lot of that depends on your relationship with the therapist. Just don't give up. And give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself, try not to let things overwhelm you. Think about what you're grateful for.

[Sugold]

you have some very interesting journey behind your back, it seems. I do think you are already on the right path to find a way how to get better, since you already analyzed what the problems firstly are, secondly what it might need to take you on that road. You show more endurance and willpower than many friends out there who can also relate well. As arts therapist, I know in everyone of us lies the essential strength to re-balance, regenerate or mend what was lost, shattered or disrupted within our soul. Stay hopeful, maybe it's gonna take longer for some people who try to find their own pace and timing, but who won't give up will eventually get there!

[Nothing_but_books]

I read your recent post and followed it here. I am moved by how clearly you've articulated the confused mess of feelings I struggle with every day. You are by no means alone in feeling these terrible things. I am so sorry you are hurting, all the more sorry, because I hurt too.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I have struggled too long with how to even think clearly enough to voice the hurt. It's like finding a song, a poem, that tells your truth.