Help with ending a fight

[Caseofthemondays]

I have come to realize that no mater what I cannot “win” a fight with my mom. (There is a lot to our background including she’s a covert narcissist that I’m leaving out for now). I don’t want to “win” I just want it to be over.

In person I set a boundary, unfortunately with negative emotion attached to it. This set off a tirade of how I am a horrible daughter for a laundry list of other, unrelated to the boundary reasons. I shut down and would not continue the fight. I calmed down and let her yell. She left, the next day (Christmas) she was back over for Christmas dinner and was so cold and stand-off ish, before leaving corned me again that it was all my fault. Then she left. Since I have received text after text that “we need to talk” “respect me” and a long text laying out all my wrongs and how I’m so ungrateful. I’ve barely responded. Now I just want it to be over. I’m willing to “talk” which means I’m willing to submit and get yelled at. I just want it to stop. I need to just recognize the abuse for what it is, stay calm and ride out the storm. Does anyone have any suggestions? Unfortunately I know this won’t be the last storm but I’m ready to start to change my safety techniques.

[BluePeppermint]

My mom is literally my best friend, so I don't have any valid advice. However, I can tell you, if she made me feel like shit on a regular basis, I'd cut her out of my life. As a youth, my mom and I fought like crazy. Pretty much the same personality. But now I try to see my mom every couple of weeks, and we talk often. Let me just say, it gets better.

PS, I'm 44 and sometimes I still get annoyed for no reason at all.

[FearIsALiar]

Read some of my posts! I’m sure you can relate to a lot of them talking about my mom.

[Hidden in reply to FearIsALiar]

yes me and FearIsALiar have been dealing with something very similar. I also consider my mom narcissitic. You can't win a fight if they can't understand where you are coming from... I personally do not feel like it's realistic and i have cried and fought with my mom so much to the point where I knew theres no fight that could ever make her a healthy loving mother.. its so sad to say you should continue setting boundaries and leave when you know she needs to cool down. Her texting angry stuff and "respect me" sounds pretty ego centric if you haven't done anything to disrespect her and sometimes narcisstic people need to feel superior and needed. I just hate how its our moms...

[FearIsALiar in reply to Hidden]

Yeah I agree. I’ll never be the one to change her especially if she doesn’t realize the way she’s treating me and acting is wrong! It’s so difficult to deal with.

[Hidden]

Someone has to give in. The fight could simply end with ‘agree to disagree’, but both parties need to be willing to leave it at that. Very hard and maybe impossible.

Background on myself, I dealt with a very difficult mom, she’s probably a narcissist. I have never won but one battle where she was clearly in the wrong. I had a witness that day without it I would have failed. Her methods were typical gas lighting, controlling.

I stuck with her till I was 44 years old, I’m 53. I abandoned the idea of us ever getting along. Not recommended advice, but there is only so much of this a person can take.

I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship, how things came to be, but I hope you get it worked out. I still need my mom, but I had to completely change my reaction, as in not to engage her which left me leaving altogether, not recommended advice of course. It’s just how it has to be for me and my sanity, cause she really tried to tilt my sanity by being so hardheaded and difficult. 🌺💜

[Hidden]

just a thought.........blow it off it it doesnt work..........going to make myself a minon cubical..........place sourrounded by funny mion pirctres when life gogin bad.......ethc............might just to the trick..............just a thought.....ya music......right arms

[Blueruth]

You win by living your best life. you cannot control your mom. Wanting it to be over may well mean moving on. “Letting her yell “ is a 👌 response.