Journals(diarys) do they help?

[CJ2016]

A few weeks after my mother passed away in October I started for the first time ever to write my thoughts down in a journal, more or less it feels like a journal/ me conversing with my mother because the way I have been writing things it's as if, I was talking to her in the room with me.

I am still not sure if it helps with the emotions I feel, and the guilt, add to the fact that my dog/my mother's dog had to be put down 10 days ago it just adds to the confusion of if writing a journal actually helps.

I know for sure the guilt never really goes away, the guilt of feeling like, I failed with my CPR attempts on my mother(even though there was nothing that could have changed the outcome) the guilt of my dog having to be put to sleep, and the guilt of also a year earlier not being able to save my elderly neighbor again having to do CPR on him also.

People have said I tried my best, there was nothing you could have done, but I have always been self critical and the way I feel is that it's 2 - 0 well 3 - 0 with the pooch, I could not save any of them(yes I know I do not have any ability to heal, if only) but I just keep thinking of all the things that happened on those occasions.

The thoughts are not as strong, but the guilt is, I just keep thinking to myself I failed, and I cannot shake that thought that I failed, life has changed forever there is no doubt in that, I lived with my parents because their health was declining but I never thought my mother would go so soon she was only 56 but then her dad was 49, her mother was 58.

I guess I now know how my mother felt to some degree, when she lost her mother and father , that hurt never goes away, a void is left for sure, come the start of the new year I aim to start exercising again just to keep my mind occupied otherwise that void is going to eat me up.

There has been a few days when I have really just felt like ending it all, but I could never put my father through that now he depends on me more than ever, but yeah I more or less write all this down in my journal, but feel like I am just repeating myself when i write stuff because honestly my emotions more or less have stayed the same.

How can you find positivity in tragedy? Time will tell I guess.

[CJ2016]

Thanks for the reply, and yeah I will keep doing it, it's become a bit of a night time ritual now.

[FearIsALiar in reply to CJ2016]

I love journaling! It helps me remember a lot