Should I stay or should I go?

[Wife_divided]

Anyone out there considering leaving a spouse who suffers with anxiety? It’s not an easy decision, is it? He is a loving, attentive husband but the anxiety (which leads to constant fighting) is draining me. I have become afraid of receiving any invitation for us to interact with the outside world because I know it will lead to a fight (I want him there as my partner and I end up going alone). A simple suggestion to grab coffee with another couple raises anxiety in me because I know he will never join me. We both come from large families so there is never a shortage of celebrations to attend. Even zoom calls are problematic for him. I attend everything alone. I feel lonely and stuck. Am I better off being alone? By the way, he is in counselling but seems to have taken the approach of “this is who I am, deal with it”. Anyone else in a similar situation?

[Tillymay]

So sorry I can’t help you.I suffer with anxiety and it’s really hard for your other half to understand,unless they have been through it.Belive me I really wish I didn’t feel like this but it’s something that can’t be just mended with meds it take time as well.I do feel sorry for you.But I also feel very sorry for your other half going through this.Maybe you could get him to join the site it might help him talking to people that are going through the same illness.I know it’s hard for you as it’s hard for any family to have someone to suffering anxiety.Take care and try to get him to join xx

[SeeingTomorrow]

I went though this but he also had ptsd and anger issues. The final straw was when he made a huge scene because I was not sitting next to him while watching our fav tv program. I told him that night he needed to leave and not to come back unless he is willing to admit he had a problem. He came back the next day willing to see a therapist and get on meds. Best thing I ever did for my family. He is a whole new person. I still find myself stressing at the idea of having to talk to him about things that would have caused a fight. It has made our relationship stronger and for a bit I felt like we were newly weds again. Unforgettably now that he is doing great I have seemed to take a turn for the worse with my mental health.

[Wife_divided in reply to SeeingTomorrow]

Thank you for your reply. My husband also has PTSD and a chronic pain disorder. He is on meds and in therapy. His anger is under control, but everything seems to be a bigger deal than it needs to be. Every conversation ends in a fight. Every question is an accusation. Over the years we have both become overly sensitive to each other’s words, out of hurt. He is a wonderful father and a loving husband and in his eyes, the universe revolves around me and the kids. But that’s just it, if we were alone in the universe it wouldn’t be a problem. I just can’t seem to answer the question: accept or leave? With young kids, the decision is not easy and living in limbo is making things a lot harder. How does one just accept?

[SeeingTomorrow in reply to Wife_divided]

I wish there was a clear cut answer for you. If we could see what the future holds. Real talk with him and soul searching may be the only thing that leads you to the right answer.

[Tillymay in reply to Wife_divided]

I do really feel for you.It must be putting you on tender hooks all the time.You have to make sure you don’t end up with depression or anxiety,yourself.do you think he could have a personality disorder as well? Because I know even tho I have anxiety and am very needy.I try my hardest to make life less stressful for my family.I don’t want people around me to suffer.If I’m being sick with anxiety I will go to the downstairs toilet so they don’t hear me.and little things like that.It does sound like he also as a personality disorder.This really needs to be addressed.Take great care and do what’s best for you and your children.Otherwise you will end up I’ll and your children will need at least one of you to be well.xx

[Wife_divided]

No no. The pandemic has been an additional layer of anxiety but also a bit of a blessing. Since there is no where to go and nothing to do, fighting has been about other things. Although even zoom gatherings have posed a problem, since he won’t even show his face for a quick hello. I am sure things will become very bad post pandemic when gatherings resume. We have not seen anyone socially since March. I do all the outside shopping and work outside of the home. He has not left the house since March, only to pick up kids or drop them off. His present counsellor is new. Not sure if he is good.

[Wife_divided]

Thank you Fauxartist. I appreciate the response. You are right. We can not fix, change or plead for someone to change. I realize that this is a take it or leave it situation. A hard reality to swallow!

[Wife_divided]

wbiC, I really appreciate your response. Yes, I think I am sociable, approachable, smart, friendly, funny, and independent. I can thrive in most social situations so you are right, I don’t need him there. But I want him there. I know it sounds weird but I watch couples. I see how a man rubs his girls back when she talks. Or hold hands. Or how they glance at each other. Or casually make plans. Or bump into people they know and laugh and catch up. Or stroll through a mall. Every time I see this it hurts. Every time someone asks “where’s your husband?” it is like a knife stab. That is why I feel lonely. Loneliness is a horrible feeling. I have a partner but he’s not with me. I am the only married person at a gathering without her spouse. Every time I want to go anywhere, do anything, I have to do it alone. It really takes the motivation out of everything. I know that most people who suffer from depression and anxiety won’t understand. Those of us who don’t suffer are expected to support, acknowledge and accommodate the illness. But who is supporting, acknowledging and accommodating our needs? If I have to do it alone, then I might be better off alone then lonely.

On a side note, I am so grateful for everyone’s responses. I never realized how helpful putting thoughts into text can be. I appreciate your feedback. In my culture, depression and anxiety is not well understood. My husband is the “weirdo” and I am “strong” for staying with him. I have re-read every message several times and appreciate the various perspectives. Thank you.