Rant

[SleepySnow]

I figured I come here to unload a bit. I struggled a lot with my anxiety and PTSD symptoms these passed few days when my brother (one of my abusers and triggers) came home for the holidays to surprise us. I am simultaneously happy and sad, but mostly just overwhelmed and anxious. My fight or flight has been kicked on to a pretty intensive state and it’s really interfering with getting anything done. I had panic attacks every morning since he got here and in the middle of the day when I feel like time isn’t going by fast enough so I can go to sleep and try to forget. My vision gets blurry all day from the anxiety and panicking, most of my senses get dulled, my blood feels like it’s boiling in my skin, and I can’t relax. This happened all day long for about 3 days straight.

I then had a doctors appointment this morning. Because of my history with eating disorder I typically don’t look at the scale when I get weighed but I accidentally did and had another panic attack in the room before my doctor came in. I think that was my boiling over point. For the longest time I felt like I had control over my eating disorder but it looks like I have more work to do and I’m tired. I did end up seeing my significant other though, and he literally turned my whole day around. I came to him shaking, crying, twitching, and stressed and he just gave me the most genuine affirmations and helped me to counter the horrible things in my head that were overwhelming me. I’m so grateful that I have someone like him around. Part of me feels weird about feeling almost instantly better when around him because I don’t want myself to become codependent on his love (or any love as a matter of fact) and although I don’t see this as codependency, I don’t want to make room for it in my head. Being able to have emotions naturally in front of anyone is something that is difficult for me because I have set so many barriers up for myself but the fact that I can be so genuinely and vulnerable and receive only love in return is still kind of baffling to me. I never thought I would have this for myself. With all the anxiety from the passed few days, I rest tonight happily. I hope you can do the same.

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer]

Hi there. It’s ok to rant sometimes and you have lots of reasons to do it. Clearly, your brother is a toxic element in your life, and to the extent possible avoid him. It doesn’t seem like he is going to change and you certainly don’t need the suffering he brings. But I want to focus on your significant other. He is with you and loves you for a reason. You give him something wonderful or he wouldn’t be with you. And he does the same for you. That isn’t codependency. It sounds like you two have a really good relationship. Despite your struggles. I have the same kind of thing with my partner. Our relationship reminds me that there are many good qualities that I have when I’ve forgotten that I have any. Your significant other can’t “fix” you. But his presence in your life means there’s a lot about you that doesn’t need to be fixed. In the midst of everything else try to remember that.

[SleepySnow in reply to Catsamaze]

I really appreciate this. Thank you.

[Kangaroo_Alice]

I am so glad that you have such a safe place with your partner. Humans need that; a place we can feel we can truly be ourselves. Overcoming an eating disorder takes such strength and courage. Give yourself a little pat on the back because you’ve taken on such a challenge. Did you mention blurry vision and severe anxiety to your doctor? Because you deserve to be free of those issues. You deserve to be content and not live life in fear and constantly on edge. I get it. I get severe PTSD when I was still communicating with my former family. Just seeing their names on my cell when they called would set my heart racing. So I finally had to back away, for my own sanity.

You can message me if you need to reach out and unburden yourself. 🙂

[SleepySnow in reply to Kangaroo_Alice]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have spoken to my doctor about it. I am on two different medications for my anxiety issues and they help a lot. In major stress, I still get the blurry vision and a few other anxiety related troubles just significantly less so because of the medication which I am happy about. It still happens here and there though. Thank you again for reaching out! Same goes for you, if you need a place to speak freely, I’ll happy to listen.

[Kangaroo_Alice in reply to SleepySnow]

Aw thank you SleepySnow! Relieved to hear you have some good medical help. Do you celebrate Christmas? If so, is the stress of the season hard for you?